New West Network

Virginia City Montana

By Clarence Worly, New West Unfiltered 8-14-10

Often times I get back from one of our summertime Worly weekend adventures and I'm a bit disappointed with the attitude and quality of people we meet in so called resort towns. Last year we trekked to Red Lodge, and although I had a good time ( Worly motto #11: If you’re not having a good time, it’s your own damned fault), I was beginning to worry that all of Montana had fallen victim to what those of us who don’t have a trust fund or a sugar daddy call “Jackson Hole Syndrome.”

Before I go on, I should note the Red Lodge trip was a blast in spite of the pompous folk in RL proper. We stayed in the tiny farming community of Roberts about ten miles north of town which consisted of a half-dozen houses, a gas station, and a bar; a bar that was full of wonderful friendly folk who gave us free homemade tequila shots from a jar that had a whole bat (yes, a friggin’ bat) on a stick, which was preserved in the tequila and gave this delicious local elixir a very unique flavor.

Note to self: If someone offers you a jar of tequila with a bat in it, do not drink it.

Yeah that was a rough night, turns out homemade bat tequila makes you puke. But none of the patrons at “The Bar” in Roberts Montana seemed to mind the mess, they told us near everybody dumb enough to drink that shit blew chunks. Great folks up there in Roberts, they got my sense of humor. Try puking all over some fancy Kobe Beef restaurant in Red Lodge, they’ll kick you out and call the Sheriff. Trust me, I know.

This weekend was Alabama’s 40th and I did something I usually can’t pull off. I booked a secret get away and somehow managed to keep my mouth shut so she was completely surprised when we rolled up to a roadside marker in the middle of nowhere and I presented her with a birthday card and an overly-dramatic “Honey, we’re spending the weekend in Virginia City Montana -Happy Birthday!”

She looked me square in the eye and replied "Really? You sure know how to please a lady."

VC is a somewhat restored mining town that hasn’t really changed in 140 years. Wood sidewalks, saloons, live music, cabarets, and a train that runs between VC and Nevada City. I say somewhat because many of the buildings haven’t been touched since the 1870’s and look like they could collapse at any moment, but the State of Montana is restoring them as money permits.

After checking into our cutsie little cabin, we walked down and had a birthday drink at the Bale of Hay Saloon. Within 5 minutes we were invited by Dennis the bartender to come see his band that night at the Elks, and we were given the first of what would prove to be many free birthday drinks.

Diner was at Banditos on the recommendation of everyone we talked to and it did not disappoint. It wasn’t over priced fancy foo-foo crap, I had a butter-flied pork chop with cheese grits and Alabama had a pulled-pork (makes me giggle every time I say pulled-pork) chimi. With all trimmings, several drinks, and a birthday flan presented with song, we got outta there for $67 including tip. Hell, I spent $67 at Edwards Theater for a bag of popcorn, a Coke and a box of Sugar Babies. The whole town is like that, bargain after bargain.

We hit the Brewery Follies where the cast took the tickets, seated us, served the drinks, and then performed. And man did they perform; sweet little ditties about diarrhea, masturbation, Satanism, you name it, they covered all the bases. Plus, the cast somehow knew it was Alabama’s birthday (Dennis the bartender from down the street?) and one of the 300 lb cast members sang a sappy Wayne Newton lounge tune just to Alabama which defined the word uncomfortable. Oh, and I had a guy in drag give me a grinding lap dance. Yeah, that cost $13 a ticket, bargain after bargain.

After the Follies it was dancing to The Staxx Brothers out of Seattle. We walked in and the bouncer called me by my first name and we got more free drinks for the birthday girl. I guess in a town of 60 year round residents, word gets around about birthdays. Can you imagine if you lived there and had an affair? Yikes!

Staxx Bros was a cool band but a bit young for me & Alabama. No one wants to see a 50 year-old fat man shake it to funk, so we hung back and just enjoyed the music. Except for a George Clinton cover, I do love me some GC… I cleared the dance floor with my moves, or maybe it was my foul gas from that spicy pork chop.

We eventually made it down to see Dennis’ band, “Well Hung Jury” and thoroughly enjoyed their garage-style unrehearsed Americana. Of course everybody at the Elks knew it was Alabama’s birthday so there were more free drinks. I volunteered to sit in with the band but they wisely decided it was probably best I just cheered from the barstool that kept slipping out from under me. Luckily we only had to stumble 50 yards up the hill to the cabin.

The rest of the weekend was spent recovering and doing normal tourist stuff; Lewis & Clark caverns tour, train ride to Nevada City, museums galore, and panning for garnets at the local mine. Everything about this weekend was a blast, the folks in Virginia City are polar opposites from what you would get in a Jackson Hole type resort town; genuine, accommodating, and friendly. The prices are as cheap as Mexico and you can drink the water!

Virginia City Montana gets the Clarence Worly Seal of Approval and we’re already planning our next trip back to this little slice of true western hospitality.

Full versions of Clarence Worly articles can be found at www.clarenceworly.com