COLUMN: Making It in Missoula

Are My Married Missoula Boyfriends Cramping My Dating Style?

By Big Sis, 6-20-07

Okay.  I admit it--I’ve been single for two and a half years now, give or take the occasional month spent “dating” someone (insert your own definition of “dating” here: social beer-drinking, awkward phone tag, sex, trail-riding, text-messaging, special meals and flowers…they all apply at some point).  Most of the reasons why I’ve been single so long were successfully identified years ago:

1) I’m selfish with my time.

2) I can’t seem to become a lesbian (though I’ve tried to talk myself into it).

3) It’s hard to meet new single men who are between the ages of 27 and 35 (which is why I seem to only date men under 25 and over 37).

4) The sporadic guy I really like “just isn’t that into me,” as one friend concisely explains it.  These guys would rather be flossing repetitively than calling me.

Luckily, I recently pinpointed a potential cause of my perpetual-singledom that I can be proactive about (other than switching teams, of course): I’ve had trouble finding a man of my own because I’m always out with someone else’s man.  Yup--I seem to have a large supply of happily married boyfriends. 

Now, that might sound suspiciously like I should be wearing a scarlet “A” on my chest. But all the dates with my married boyfriends are completely platonic.  They usually involve beer and sometimes sports, chatting about mutual friends (including their wives), a bit of bitching about work, and a lot of bullshitting about life.  And absolutely no sparks. 

Take, for instance, this harmless yet telling conversation with one of my married boyfriends at a recent barbeque.  The Hubby says:

“When Artesania and I were at birth class the other night, no one wanted to start on their workbooks right away.  So the teacher told us this story about seeing a deer give birth in her yard.  Then I mentioned how we ran over a dead elk on Highway 93 last weekend.  The teacher said she bet no one could top that…but then S-dog said said how he made a citizen arrest last Monday at Big Dipper when some drunk dude crashed his car and tried to run away. 

Anyway, do you think the baby’s room is the right shade of lavender?”

See?  It’s just like when I hang out with my girlfriends, except we ladies substitute “gossiping” for “bullshitting.”

This revelation that my married boyfriends might be cramping my dating style has slowly been starting to dawn on me…even before lavender paint questions and birth class discussions became the highlight of our conversations.  But the full impact of my choosing to hang out with committed men didn’t hit home until Beefcake Wellington asked me this question a couple days ago:

“Hey—were you on a date last Friday when I saw you out?  Dude was cute.” (BW used the term “cute” in a very manly manner, of course.)

I immediately scratched my head in confusion—did I have a date I’d already forgotten about?  No, wait…that was Roomie’s honey, the All-Star.  But if BW assumed I was on a date, did others at the crowded bar also assume that?  Most importantly, did I miss out on meeting attractive single men because said single men didn’t know that All-Star and Roomie have been a unit for going on ten years?  Uh oh. 

This got me thinking.  Perhaps my reputation as a single lady isn’t as ubiquitous as I’d thought.  Perhaps I rarely appear single, much less approachable, as I’m often out and about with my married boyfriends. 

This led me to ponder why, exactly, I hang out with married men.  Several answers to this question popped up.  Let’s start with the obvious ones and work toward the more Freudian answers:

1) Because they are my friends.

2) Because they are married to my best girlfriends (many of whom are currently pregnant, which has decreased their ability to hang out and drink beer).

3) Because I enjoy balancing my time between both male and female company.

4) Because it’s more convenient to bullshit with a male who knows me well, rather than trying to feel out someone new.

5) Because I don’t have to worry about whether they’ll call me, or I should call them and who’s gonna pick up the dinner tab.

6) Because it’s simpler to surround myself with committed men rather than single men, as I don’t have to question their motives, my next move, or our potential child’s room color.

7) Because I deep-down expect that one day, one of my married boyfriends is gonna introduce me to Mr. Right-On…a single man who’ll automatically have a fabulous reference.

Now that I’ve pinpointed this potential barrier to finding dates, should I stop hanging out with my married boyfriends?  Or perhaps just avoid meeting them in public places where other single men might be watching?

Nah.  Then I’d really be depressed, as I’d have nothing to do but watch paint dry.  Plus, the upside to living in a small town is that most folks who see me out know the man I’m with is taken, and that I’m perpetually single.  Likely, they also know the paint colors in my married boyfriends’ houses, and the scoop on my last failed dating attempt. 

On that note, it’d be nearly impossible to have an affair in our tight-knit community.  I mean, you might as well wear that scarlet letter “A” stamped on your chest.  This reassures me, as I’ll be proud when someday (hopefully before 2025) my single girlfriends will be bullshitting and drinking beer with my future Mr. Right-On…the Mr. Right-On that one of my married boyfriends is going to introduce me to any day now.

To read more about life and love in the Garden City, check out www.newwest.net/makingit

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