Bend News

Notes From The Road

Is it Drive-Like-A-Goon Day in Boise?

By Joseph Friedrichs, 1-26-10

There are a few rational explanations for why some human beings have difficulties operating a motorized vehicle, and we at NewWest.Net think they’re all bunk.

According to three people with whom we’ve been in constant contact, today seemed to be a monumental day for lousy navigating. Drivers zoomed in and out of lanes for apparently no reason. Men with white beards smoking cigarettes cut off controlled drivers. Semis bore down on cars in the slow lane doing 55. Twits speeding in school zones. Egomaniacs indulged in pure aggression behind the wheel.

Is it seasonal affective disorder? Could it be a traffic accident on a nearby major highway? Maybe it’s National Drive Like a Goon Day?

We decided to dig a bit a deeper into the problem of morons on the road.

To begin with, seasonal affective disorder, also known as winter depression or winter blues, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter or, less frequently, in the summer spring or autumn, repeatedly, year after year. Depression sometimes shows itself as anger.

Nope. That’s a stupid excuse.

A horrible car accident took place today in Boise today near the Connector and Front Street. It plugged traffic for miles in several directions. Understandably, it angered a number of motorists. Does it rationalize why people were driving like lunatics throughout the entire city?

Naw.

Maybe it’s historical karma. Let’s see:

On this date in history:

- In 1808, a Rum Rebellion, the only successful armed takeover of the government in Australia went down.

- In 1838 – Tennessee enacted the first prohibition law in the United States.

- In 2004 - A whale exploded in the town of Tainan, Taiwan. A build-up of gas in the decomposing sperm whale was suspected of causing the explosion.

We don’t see a connection, but then today we seem to be living in an alternate reality, so who knows. 

After spending many hours of research, we have decided the reason people aren’t driving well today is actually quite simple: They weren’t.

To paraphrase George Carlin… People will admit to almost anything; adultery, drug abuse, being dirty. Yet there are two things people will never admit to: Having no sense of humor and being bad drivers.

All the same, in the United States a person dies in a car accident every 12 minutes and each year car crashes kill 40,000 people, according to National Car Accident Statistics.

Perhaps we here at NewWest.Net were too critical of the crazed motorists out there today. All the same, learn how to use a turn signal, would ya? Jeez.

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