COLUMN: Making It In Missoula
Fancy Footwork: Insights from Bozeman’s Dancing Guy
By Big Sis, 8-21-07
Let’s face it: teenagers no longer flock to weekly Cotillion classes. The old-fashioned “dinner and dancing” date is now only a romantic myth heard around campfires. In fact, many folks run rapidly for the bathroom when they hear mention of taking a spin on the dance floor. In this day and age, dating involves juggling text-messages, emails, and special ring-tones instead of meeting for a night filled with the subtle flirtations of partners dancing cheek to cheek.
But I’d like to argue that we should bring back the romance. Dancing is one of my top three favorite activities (right up there with eating and beer-drinking). I’ve found over the years that partner dancing--swing, salsa, two-step, and (everyone’s favorite) polka--is even more exhilarating than just gettin’ down w’ my bad self by my own self. Plus, it’s a good way to meet guys and do a quick check on whether there’s any of that lovely chemistry.
My most recent dancing partner, who I’ll creatively call Dancing Guy, lives in Bozeman. Turns out that he’s not only insightful about swing flips and tango ochos, he’s also got some interesting perspectives on how dancing relates to male-female interactions off the dance floor. Check out this email exchange a few weeks ago between myself (BS, of course) and DG.
BS to DG: July 24, 10:11 a.m.
As you (perhaps) have more experience in the partner dancing realm, here’s a question for ya: how long does it take to get comfortable with a dance partner if you’re not sleeping with him/her? Or do you always sleep with your dance partners?
It’s one thing at a club, when you’re drinking, flirting, and it’s dark, but boundaries seem to pop-up uncomfortably in well-lit, slowed-down, instruction-type circumstances.
DG to BS: July 24, 11:07 a.m.
Now that’s an interesting question. You’re not comfortable with your new dance lesson partner? I make it a point to sleep with every dance partner. Just kidding, of course, but I have slept with a few and yes, the dancing tends to get better afterward. But it’s certainly not necessary.
What really helps is an attraction, a male-female dynamic with some level of sexual tension. It doesn’t have to go any further than that, though. I have great dances with lots of women, but the best ones are usually when there’s some tangible attraction and flirtation going on. I dance well with a handful of older chicks in whom I have no interest, but whose femininity (and, often, feminine desire for me) I can appreciate; and I make it clear that I appreciate it so that they feel comfortable and sexy while dancing.
I guess the thing to do is just relax and maybe pretend that you’re sleeping with your dance partner, or at least that you’re thinking about it, so the dance becomes almost a kind of foreplay… And while the nightclub setting enhances all this, a classroom setting doesn’t necessarily prohibit it. The other thing is familiarity.
Does that help at all?
BS to DG: July 24, 12:03 p.m.
It helps, and explains things from a completely male perspective.
I do, though, agree with all of it. BUT...the difference is (maybe just for me, not all females) that when the dancing partners are both single I feel a certain amount of pressure/expectation that it should be more than dancing. I find it easier for myself to dance with someone if I don’t have to worry about whether he’s gonna corner me for a dinner date or whatever. If he’s off-limits, in other words.
The big grey area that lies between “we’re just having fun flirting while dancing” and the “can I follow you home, dive in for a kiss, or call you tomorrow for more than a spin” always presents itself, in my experience. This is a problem when I don’t really want to get involved romantically.
For instance, a dance partner I had at the salsa nights when I first moved to Missoula eventually got too pushy. When I went out to San Fransisco in May, my favorite dance partner of the evening (who was a super hot dancer, and we had lots of chemistry) consistently attempted to make out on the dance floor after our first few dances, then followed me out, and pushed his way into the cab with me. I kicked him out. That’s not okay.
DG to BS: July 24, 2:59 p.m.
Okay, now I understand what’s going on. If you feel pressure to sleep with your dance partner, something needs to change. Maybe that pressure is irrational and unwarranted, something you’re unnecessarily bringing to the table, in which case you simply need to make a mental shift. If, however, that pressure is being applied by your dance partner, well then you need a new dance partner.
It’s a very delicate matter, this flirting-without-follow-through thing, but if the partner is an intelligent, mature adult he’ll be able to tell the difference between fun and desire. If not, get rid of him. It’ll cause you way more trouble than it’s worth, and him way more frustration than he deserves, even if he is a dolt and can’t read a woman properly to discern her intentions.
Basically, like any interpersonal exchange, both parties need to be aware of what messages they’re sending, and strive to make them clear. If you know that your dancing partner wants to get romantic with you, then you need to let him know right away that that’s not what this dancing is all about, flirting or no. If he wants to keep dancing and will behave himself, great. If not, sayonara.
That said, don’t put all the responsibility on yourself—I never had any doubts about your feelings toward me, so I don’t think you’re necessarily ambiguous or otherwise difficult to read. You know perfectly well how to let a man know what you want.
I’m not sure that dancing is any different than any other area of life. Men tend to presume too much. We’re also very sex-driven, so when there’s chemistry we always want to act on it, and immediately. The key is maturity. An immature man is impulsive and aggressively chases every potential romantic partner, while a mature man sits back and lets things unfold on their own. He’s in no hurry.
Prick teases are tough all around, and vex even the most seasoned Casanova; but the mature man tends to back off more easily and so doesn’t get as frustrated. He approaches every situation with a bit of cynicism (due to his experience with women, inconstant as they are) and is wholly prepared for things to fall apart at any moment. He’s generally not even all that disappointed when they do. And he usually takes great pleasure in watching all the boys around him in their whirlwind of impetuosity and frustration, mainly because he’s been there and is so very glad that he’s not there anymore.
So, it seems the solution lies in communication. We always try to use body language first, but sometimes we have to move to the next step and actually articulate what we’re feeling. It’s awkward, yes, but sometimes there’s no way around it.
* * * * *
The conversation continued, degenerating rapidly into sarcastic one-liners. The above sections seemed to be the most relevant tidbits from DG about relationships. What do you think, Missoula? Should we bring back the romance and add dancing to the dinner date? Is dancing a way to jump-start a budding relationship, or just more trouble than it’s worth?
I, for one, won’t be abandoning either the dance floor or the pursuit of a fabulous relationship anytime soon…even though I hate “articulating what I’m feeling” with about as much passion as I love dancing. I guess I’ll just have to learn some fancy footwork to navigate through the tight spots.
To read more about life and love in the Garden City, check out NewWest.Net/MakingIt.
Email if you’d like to share a story about Making It In Missoula
Like this story? Get more! Sign up for our free newsletters.
Comments
"The big grey area that lies between “we’re just having fun flirting while dancing” and the “can I follow you home, dive in for a kiss, or call you tomorrow for more than a spin” always presents itself, in my experience."
Its my opinion that most men and women don't quite see it as a big grey area. Especially at the bar scene where most seem to see the acceptance of a dance let alone multiple dances as as much of a signal as saying "follow me home". I for one know I've seen both men and women turn down a dance partner they aren't interested in only to accept minutes later for someone that are or think they may be interested in. It may have something to do with how well you know the person before you dance with them as well.
I also think that how you dance with someone has a huge effect as well. At least it should as sometimes it seems the best way to communicate your intentions to someone in a noisy bar or dancing event.
I for one don't take dancing with someone I don't really know in a bar as a sign that they want me to take them home or smother them with my tongue them in a lonely corner booth. Its more in how they dance and what led up to dancing with them.
Just 2c from someone who doesn't even dance much.
At first glance I thought this Dancing Guy was just a jerk, blowing his horn about how many "dancing partners" he'd bedded (I wonder how many of them know each other), but in his second answer he redeems himself a bit. He's probably right that you, whether as a dance class participant or as a person who shows up to salsa night to see what's goin' on, need to know what messages you're likely sending and how the recipient(s) might take them. He's also right that a single-minded male dance partner might spoil your good time if he can't clue in to your boundaries. (Seems like maybe Zane knows what time it is; whyn'tcha ask him to tango?)
I haven't been to a dance class myself, but it does seem like a potentially promising way to meet women who might be looking to meet men, and I would bet that most men who join a dance class *without* a significant other in tow (or to whom the men are in tow) will be hoping to land a girlfriend that way. Same probably goes for many other activities an individual *can* do solo but can learn in groups: rock climbing, flycasting, kayaking, yoga, cooking, you name it. (You can't really fault the guys for this, in my opinion.)
Probably all you need do, BS, is employ what i'm sure is a finely honed arsenal of deflections for the over-eager partners you may find on the hardwood. Good luck!