Bozeman News

Looking to Wal-Mart for Workplace Success

I Am a Corporate Failure

By Alison Grey, 10-29-07

It was a brief affair, tumultuous, confusing and doomed from the start. After plenty of heartache, I left the relationship feeling used and abused. I had failed miserably at abiding to the corporate culture. Frankly, all of those rules confused me, especially the ones that go unsaid. Young and idealistic, I quit, and found myself an aspiring young professional with plenty of passion and desire, unemployed and destitute.

What had my life come to? What employer would take me, one workplace’s sloppy seconds? But mostly, I was confused. I worked hard, pumped out quality projects, met all my goals and had positive feedback from our audience. I was baffled by the corporate culture and its micro-managerial rules confused me.

I learned that I was completely dispensable, a booger they could easily flick onto the street, to be washed away, lost and forgotten. I knew that I needed to learn from my mistakes, to acclimate to corporate America and blossom into a model employee.

In search of these answers, I sought out help from one of the most internationally successful corporate entities I knew: Wal-Mart. If any business had the answers to the rules required to succeed as a peon on the ladder, this was the one.

With more than 4,000 stores nationally and another 2,900 around the world, and plans of further global domination, no one could argue that Sam Walton was an idiot. The man knew something about corporate success.

The Web site directed me to an e-mail that would be sent to the corporate affairs office. Judging from the pictures, it was a happy place, with smiling associates of all ethnicities, backgrounds and ages ready to respond to my questions with efficiency and excellent customer service. Building upon the work ethic of Mr. Walton, they promised to respond to my query by the end of the business day, something they call the Sundown Rule.

After compiling a list of questions, I sent an e-mail asking what they look for in an associate and how I could succeed in their company. One week, two weeks later, I had nothing more than I had started with, prompting me to navigate the site solo. Here’s what I discovered:

Be a Leader; Not a Follower

Good employees will empower themselves to create positive changes, give helpful feedback and take the initiative to exceed expectations and commit to the job like it’s their life force. Apparently, bosses respect the individual, and when you exceed expectations, they will take note and you will be awarded in some way, usually with positive praise. Fascinating!

There I was being a cynic again. Apparently, corporate bosses don’t create an environment based upon a latent state of fear among their employees that their bonus or future could be in jeopardy if they don’t comply with company procedure, thus promoting performance and efficiency!

According to Mr. Walton, it’s not just about the bottom line and making a buck: it’s about the individual and creating a positive environment that promotes diversity and thought! Shows you how clueless I am. I always figured I should make more of an attempt to shut my mouth, blindly follow instruction, kiss ass like it was my life force, and accept that all decisions are based on numbers devoid of any human spirit or emotion.

It’s all about team spirit and the customer!

If you are ever walking through Wal-Mart and hear the ecstatic chants of happy employees emanating throughout the building, don’t be alarmed. It’s the Wal-Mart cheer, something Sam created for Saturday morning meetings. It’s a time that instills team spirit, fun at the workplace and an all-abiding and consuming love for the customer, even the assholes.

The cheer is a classic model for pep rallies nationwide. Give me a W! Give me an A! And so on and so forth. Heck, they even throw in give me a squiggly! It’s a lovely team spirit builder that ends asking; who is number one? The answer, of course, is the customer! Always! And yes, that includes the obstinate ones, the high maintenance ones and everything in-between.

It’s sorta creepy in a brainwashing kinda way, and considering I already have anxiety attacks when I enter a Super Center, I’m terrified of what I might do if I actually heard it.

Ultimately Sam decided that workers should have fun at work, participate in team building activities that promote positive attitudes and be a cheerleader for the company’s success, even if higher profits don’t translate into higher wages and more benefits! It’s a whistle while you work philosophy, and I’m following his genius. I’m going to start applying some positivity into my work days. Maybe some Saturday morning company Jazzercise at the office anyone?

But what about the little things?

As inspiring as being a leader and striving for team spirit are, I’m mostly confused about the importance placed upon the little things, the micro-managerial rules that seem to truly define the corporate culture.

If I finish my task and excel, does it really matter if I’m wearing my makeup from last night, can’t get a comb through my hair and smell like cheap booze and cigarettes? Ok, so that was a bit of an exaggerration, but seriously, if all my goals are still being met, does it really matter if I’m a little smelly and disheveled? In the grand scheme of things, what matters more: punching in early or succeeding with the overall goal by deadline?

In a completely informal and highly unscientific polling process, I asked the general public at the Bozeman Community Food Coop for some much needed advice, and discovered these rules apply to any job, not just the man.

Sue: “Of course grooming is important; people WILL judge you based on your appearance. Shower, brush your hair, don’t wear hoodies to work, and definitely don’t show up drunk from the night before.”

Thomas: “Always be on time. Its shows commitment and reliability, and says something about your work ethic. It’s a little detail, but that’s just obvious. Seriously, how old are you again?”

Jen: “Stay out of the e-mailing gossip network. They’re evil and traceable. You’ll always end up getting bit in the butt.”

Jess: “Don’t bitch. Everybody hates a complainer.”

Joe: “Fuck corporate America.”

All right, sans Joe’s advice, I think I’m ready for workplace success! Now I just need to buy some deodorant and invest in pants without elastic or draw strings!

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