Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)
Live Commentary On State of the Union Address
[This column is a recording from an earlier live broadcast.]By Bob Wire, 1-26-11
"Look, I know you're missing 'Big Bang Theory,' but this is important!"
Watching on ABC. George Will is such a constipated tool. Sitting there scowling, all conservative, got his negative crap loaded up.
Here comes the introduction: “Mr. Speaker, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Is it in the Constitution that all female Congress members have to wear a scarlet dress?
Obama shook hands with Boehner, Boehner broke down crying. Not really.
Democrats and Republicans mixing it up, sitting on both sides of the aisle. Sheep, running with the wolves! Cats and dogs, living together! It’s madness!
Obama introduces Boehner. Boehner gets standing ovation, is required to act surprised.
We’re barely ninety seconds in, on our third standing O.
Wow, Boehner just picked his nose and wiped it on Obama’s jacket.
Hey, there’s Al Franken! Leading standing O #4, and looking annoyed about it.
I love watching Biden. He’s smiling at all the right times. He’s a good Ed McMahon. Hell, he kind of looks like him.
Obama: “In a single generation, revolutions in technology have transformed the way we live, work and do business.”
Biden: “You are correct, sir!”
“India and China are educating their children earlier and longer, with emphasis on math and science.” In the U.S. the emphasis is on X-box and World of Warcraft.
Obama: “As Robert Kennedy told us, the future is not a gift, it is an achievement.”
Biden: “Hi-yo!”
Obama: “We need to take responsibility for our deficit and reform our government.” Good idea, but didn’t you just recently make that a whole lot harder?
Somebody starts applauding when Obama mentions Google and Facebook. Dork.
“This is our generation’s Sputnik moment.” Hey, I’ve seen this Congress in (in)action. This is our generation’s spit-take moment.
“We’ll invest in new technology. Especially clean energy technology.” Big applause.
Biden: “Yessss!”
Boehner: “Psht.”
Obama: “We’re not just handing out money.” Tell me about it. I couldn’t get any.
“I’m asking Congress to eliminate the billions of taxpayer dollars we’re giving to oil companies.”
Boehner, turning to Biden: “Say what now?”
Steven Chu, Secretary of Energy, caught tweeting. “A million electric cars on the road by 2015? We’re going to need more roads!”
Biden: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads. Hah!”
Boehner: “Give it a rest.”
“It’s not just the winner of the Super Bowl that deserves to be celebrated, but the winner of the Science Fair.” We also need a Science Fair Pro Bowl.
“We launched a competition called ‘Race to the Top.’” It’s like ‘Race to Witch Mountain,’ only funnier.
“We are going to replace ‘No Child Left Behind’ with a law that’s more flexible.” And doesn’t actually leave children behind.
Random standing O. Whoa, here’s another one 15 seconds later. Damn, there’s gonna be a lot of sore knees on Capitol Hill tomorrow.
Hey, Arne Duncan, Secretary of Education: stop nodding like a Stepford Congressman.
Another standing O, to the mounting amusement of Joe Biden.
Obama, obviously testing the crowd: “Tax credit, NASA, teachers, China.” Standing O.
Here’s a shot of Kerry and McCain sitting together, and my first thought is, “Jesus Christ, I am so glad one of these guys is not in charge.”
Obama: “I strongly believe that we should take on, once and for all, the issue of illegal immigration.”
McCain: “Hi-yo!”
What’s this? A Congresswoman in a teal dress. Must be a freshman.
“South Korean homes now have great internet access than we do.” Hell, I have Qwest DSL. It sucks so bad, I’m thinking of upgrading to 28k dial-up.
TSA joke goes over pretty well, but he’s no Conan.
Nancy Pelosi sitting next to Rep. Bartlett of Maryland, who, I believe, invented the pear.
“In five years 98% of America will have access to high speed wireless.” That means instant downloads of HD porn even in the most remote substation of Antarctica.
Obama mentions lowering the corporate tax rate for the first time in 25 years. Look at those Republicans leap to their feet!
Henry Waxman (D-California) looks like he has his face pressed up against a window.
“I’ve heard rumors that a few of you still have concerns about our new health care law.” Much laughter. Almost as much as when he said that the new law will prevent the health insurance industry from exploiting patients.
He mentions James Howard, a brain cancer patient from Texas, and Jim Houser, a small businessman from Oregon. Kind of amazing those two guys happen to be in the audience. I don’t believe they are even members of Congress. Must have scalped tickets from Martha Coakley.
“Let’s fix what needs fixing, and let’s move forward.” Huge applause, but Boehner looks like he’s smelling a fart.
Kathleen Sebelius looks like she’s trying to hypnotize Obama.
Talking about government bloat, and his favorite example of a bureaucratic clusterfuck. “The Interior Dept. is in charge of salmon when they’re in fresh water, and the Commerce Dept. handles them when they’re in saltwater. I hear it gets even more complicated once they’re smoked.” Badda-bing!
They show Secretary of Commerce Gary Locke, former Governor of Washington, during the salmon bit. The camera holds on him. He’s obviously uncomfortable. It’s looking eerily like a Gary Locke roast. He’s like, “Yeah, I’m from Seattle. We make salmon. What’s your point?”
Doesn’t Boehner realize that he’s on camera? He’s got to stop rolling his eyes.
“Our success in this new and changing world will require reform, responsibility and innovation.” That, and a fuck-ton of Red Bull.
“American Muslims are a part of our American family.” Right on. Suck it, Michael Savage. See you at Thanksgiving dinner. Should be interesting.
There are far too many geriatric white men in Congress. The Chambers of Congress looks like a gay retirement village.
“...a working class kid from Scranton can sit behind me.” Biden. Formerly of Dunder-Mifflin.
“...a kid who started out by sweeping the floors of his father’s Cincinnati bar can preside as the Speaker of the House in the greatest nation on earth.” Boehner. Choked up, but didn’t lose it. Thinking of all those broken-hearted Bengals fans passed out on floor.
One hour and one minute. Forty-five breaks for applause. No commercials. Now that’s entertainment.
Bob’s Maximum Honky Tonk Website
Join the Bob Wire Appreciation Society
Stumble It!
Like this story? Get more! Sign up for our free newsletters.
Comments
Add your comment below
Other than that, your view of the comedy of the evening I share. A ritual dance of words and displays of power by 535 elected dorks. The Orange Man, Mr. "PotemkinHair" Biden (man..smoother and balder than a baby butt on the backside of that false front doo!!), the relief of not having, this year, Pelosi jumping up and down like a B league Dominican short stop. No directed insults aimed at the Supremes, and Justice Alito left town just to not be insulted again (does that work for you, AG Holder?--having to take a case before a justice your boss purposefully insulted), and all that comity of D's sitting with R's and vice versa. Would it be fun or what, to have Waxman sitting on your knee, and you with your hand up his suit coat, working him like a puppet?? He could debate Achmed. Actually, I think Waxman got those nostrils from having a Nanny who would change his di-di by putting a finger in each nostril, holding him at arm's length, and dropping his nappy with the other hand. Either that or he was the dork whose parents wouldn't let him put the plugs in his ear lobes so he put them in his nostrils. No matter, Stumpy Waxman is a homely guy. No worry of having some Beverly Hills matron running off with her congressman.
It was hard for President Obama to top his Tucson speech. And he didn't. He wasn't as long winded as a Clinton. He speaks a lot better than poor George the Latter. Now if he can really rein in trial lawyers and get a handle on medical liability law and judgements, we really could have some savings in health care. Fat chance.