Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)
One Hundred (Okay, 50) Things I Hate About Missoula
By Bob Wire, 3-20-08
This list is going to be a whole lot tougher, and a whole lot riskier, for a whole lot of reasons.
First, for every single thing I hate about Missoula, there are ten that I love. In fact, I’ve already begun a supplementary list to this week’s earlier post.
Second, as an independent businessman, freelancer and musician, I want to be careful not to bite the hand that could potentially feed me. But I need to be honest, so I’ll just have to run that risk.
Lastly, I have been sicker than a dog since last weekend. Turns out Saturday’s laryngitis was just the warm up act for the veritable Sick du Soleil I’ve been suffering through here at the Wire compound all week. Besides feeling like I was ate by a bear and shit off a cliff (as my dad used to say), I’m frustrated, irritable, and absolutely no fun to be around. Which brings me to…
1. When one person gets the Taiwan Whooping Flu, we ALL get the Taiwan Whooping Flu within two weeks. This whole valley is like a goddamn day care center and I’m wearing a Kleenex jacket.
2. No grits served in any restaurant that I’m aware of (please correct me if I’m wrong).
3. No matter how cold it is, no matter how much snow is blasting through town in whiteout conditions, there’s always one moron in a pair of shorts.
4. Inversions. They were having inversions here 500 years ago, when the Indians were all burning fires in their tipis and idling their buffalo. It’s a problem of man vs. topography; what are you gonna do?
5. Mick Holien and that other clown who call the Griz home games on the radio. I hope to god they’re wearing pants, because it sounds like they’re not.
6. People whose consumption and lifestyle choices are blatantly Republican, but they tell everyone who’ll listen that they vote Democrat.
7. Elitist fly fishermen.
8. Taco Tuesday special at Taco John’s has skyrocketed from two for a buck to two for $1.19. Those three hot dogs at Ole’s are starting to look pretty good.
9. College kids in the bars who can’t hold their liquor. That would be…yep, all of them.
10. Payday loan shacks.
11. Garage sales where the out-of-whack pricing indicates that they think the crap piled in their driveway is some really valuable shit.
12. Losers who throw their empty 12-pack containers onto the road. Why is it always Bud Light or Busch Ice containers? Where are the Beck’s or Heineken boxes? Oh yeah, people who drink those beers graduated high school.
13. Organic food fascists.
14. Griz fans who piss and moan when the team, even though undefeated, is not beating their opponents BADLY enough. You spoiled pricks. Try rooting for the friggin’ Dolphins.
15. Instant Grits available only at Safeway. I brought this up to the manager at Albertson’s, and he took me down the cereal aisle and pointed out the Quick Grits. “Quick Grits?” I asked. “I don’t have that kind of time, man. I need instant.”
16. White people with dreadlocks.
17. Backyard fireworks. It’s not the fact that they’re illegal (many of my favorite pasttimes are), but it terrifies the dogs and litters the neighborhood yards and streets with junk, all so a couple of Busch Ice swilling hillbillies can fire a Roman candle into the window of their cousin’s mobile home.
18. Local TV morning shows. Go ahead, order up a new set every two years. You’re still a bunch of dorks.
19. KBGA talk programs. They rarely have anything to talk about.
20. Kum & Go. For god’s sake, change the name. It sounds like a place where you rub one out, then take a dump.
21. Four-cylinder cars with Thrush mufflers. It sounds like a chainsaw going down the street. Fast and the Furious? How about the Outclassed and the Spurious.
22. Lowe’s.
23. Furniture stores perpetually and frantically going out of business.
24. Finn & Porter makes me wear a shirt.
25. February.
26. The midway at the fair.
27. Gift-wrap sales fund-raisers in the elementary schools: “Hi, kids! Welcome back! I hope you had a great summer. Here’s your inventory and your sales kit. Now get out there and meet that quota!”
28. Crows. I don’t hate them, really, but they’re just plain rude.
29. No one sells Mac computers. (Oh, I know, Vann’s will order one online for you. That makes them as much a Mac dealer as I am.)
30. White rappers. Unless you’re really, really good, you just look silly. James Two is really, really good.
31. Beer league softball players who wear metal cleats.
32. No real barbecue.
33. The City Council attracts more nuts than a tea-bagging convention.
34. The murmuring voice-overs for the Montana Homefitters commercials. Creepy.
35. Zimorino’s is long gone, and with them, the Jalapeño Joliday.
36. Hummer limo driving people through the South Hills to gape at the holiday lights.
37. Hearing-damaged sound guys who run rock shows loud enough to ruin the experience. Dude, BR549 doesn’t need the same bottom end as Metallica.
38. Downtown ambassadors.
39. No Del Taco.
40. Enough already with the cilantro.
41. Not enough tennis courts.
42. Cyclists who ride three abreast.
43. It’s legal at times to burn stuff.
44. No neighborhood taverns.
45. Way too many guns.
46. Not enough rain.
47. Live music typically doesn’t start ‘til 9:30 or 10:00. These Missoula clubs should take a hint from the Bitterroot Brewery.
48. The parking lot at Pattee Creek Market. Who striped this thing, Jackson Pollock?
49. The whole Malfunction Junction solution. Like everyone else, I’ve carved out my little route and gotten used to it, but it’s complicated, byzantine, and damn if I can figure out how to plug into it from a side street.
50. Casinos. I have my reasons.
Well, by god, Doug was right. I’m having a hard time finding things I hate that are endemically Missoulian. I mean, I hate when a bartender pours a spoonful of olive juice into my martini when I didn’t order it dirty, but that happens everywhere, right? Missoula has just as many assholes, loudmouths, miscreants, zipperheads and shit heels as the next town, but you can’t blame that on our gem of a city. No, you’d have to blame it on reality TV and pregnant women who smoke.
I gotta go puke.
[Send this column to your smug Missoula-lovin’ friends and see what they think.]
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It’s good to be number one! There are so many people to thank…
I accept this award on behalf of every kid who ever got busted for stealing Bob’s Big Boy in high school. And this is for the guy who showed me how to scratch dandruff on top of my friend’s food. This award is also dedicated to a dear friend of mine for teaching me how to preserve a fart in a mason jar. And last but not least, this award is dedicated to that guy in Mexico who taught my how to chase tequila shots with champagne - if it wasn’t for his caring enough to burry me in the sand up to my neck and surrounding my head with a protective mote full my own vomit I might have really hurt myself that night(s).
And lastly, in the true spirit of this prestigious award, I typed all of this using only my middle fingers.
Best wishes,
Beer "King" Tabby
But I still miss it.
and the Jalepeno Joliday! O i miss you too.
tennis courts? really? you play a lot of tennis, do ya Bob? or you just like to watch...i get it...
Of course, this could all be b.s.
But--one of my current coworkers stopped at the one on Toole Avenue on the way to work one morning and bought gas and a 20 oz soda there. I saw the soda cup on her desk later in the day; it had "Kum Kup!" in thick, wavy white goopy-looking letters. Now if that ain't the product of a perverted mind, then I don't know what is.
No, I'm not in favor of more roads or more cars, quite the opposite. But the ones we have aren't going away, so let's at least make them greener and more efficient. One way to do this is to use more round-abouts at intersections. Go to any country that uses them and you will never sit idling your car through two light cycles with a hundred other cars just to get through an intersection. Go to any major New Zealand city and you can get from one end to the other without every stopping your car. Sure, you slow down, you yield, you merge, but you rarely ever stop and just sit there. New Zealanders make this work even though they are self described as the worst, most inconsiderate drivers on the planet.
Every time Missoula hires someone to help them with their traffic problems the consultants recommed round-abouts at major intersections, and the whole community goes ballistic on the idea. Traffic experts know round-abouts work. They're not just making it up; they have the data. They save gas, cut down on pollution, make for a healthier environment and less-stressed out people. I don't understand the US prejudice against them.
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;
Brown paper packages tied up with strings;
Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels;
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles;
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings;
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes;
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes;
Silver-white winters that melt into springs;
But Beer Tabby's my most favorite thing
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? Maybe this is best answered in song.
If you like...
Sarcastic comments and senseless admissions
Provoking strangers with stupid additions
Smart assed satire that everyone sings
Beer Tabby’s your new favorite thing
Fritos and salsa and football on Sundays
Big margaritas and drier warmed undies
Chuck Berry singing my ding-a-ling
Beer Tabby ‘s your new favorite thing
Merry Blog Pirates and anything stupid
Catching and letting my dog hump cupid
Tinea Corporis is a fungus caused ring
Beer Tabby ‘s your new favorite thing
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
Bike riding is as fun as it is good for you. But I recommend that you save your drier warmed undies for after you’ve finished exercising.
That reminds me, when I was a kid my Dad took my Schwinn Sting-Ray away from me because he thought that the sissy bar and banana seat were promoting homosexual tendencies (not that there is anything wrong with that). And even though I’m a great cook and a pretty decent interior designer, Dad was wrong.
I’ll leave you with one final thought…
"I go by instinct - I don't worry about experience" - Barbra Streisand
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
Yep, Kum and Gos are from Iowa - I grew up with 'em. I think they're pretty new in Missoula. Maybe that explains the high teen pregnancy rate in my hometown...subliminal messaging.
My intention was not to rant. I don't really think ranting does anything but upset folks and makes them fight against you. I was just simply trying to plant a seed. I am glad you are so conscious about the way you get around in Missoula. Like I said, I am not anti-car, just anti-only-car and it sounds like you are too. I also agree that designing an efficient trans system that gives all the different modes more equal footing makes sense; and allows these options to work for more Missoulians. Thanks for your comments and actions.
I see your Schwartz is as big as mine...
Perhaps it would be better if you were to describe for me the type of space that you need filled. If this is in regards to Aristotle’s philosophical notion that empty space sucks, then all you got to do is tell me what your interesting in sucking.
If you’re writing this in response to my last post, sorry to disappoint but that was only a joke as you’ll never find me at a Broadway show.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
It’s very common for a man to name his manhood. Popular names included Jimmy, Hammer and Fireman. And yes, even Schwartz.
Not to be left out, I’ve named mine Mr. Roarke. The chicks dig it because when Mr Roark is released I yell, “Welcome to Fantasy Island.” I think that it makes them feel special.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
My glass is a little empty. Put it on my tab, Beet Rabby.
Naturam expellas furca, tamen usque recurret. Mea mihi conscientia pluris est quam omnium sermo.
Corripe Cervisiam!
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
Suus nomen est non Toby , is est Kunta Kintay!
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
Your poem was beautiful! It’s gunna be weeks before my nipples retract to their normal posture.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby