Column: Making it in Missoula
Online Dating in Missoula: Better than Watching Paint Dry?
By Big Sis, 1-22-07
So, as Little Sis continues her exploration of alternative fun in Missoula (and tenaciously clings to the celibacy wagon), I’ve decided to explore my own alternative route to spicing up Missoula life: online dating.
Here’s why: I ain’t gettin’ no action from the traditional routes. When the only offer I get on a Saturday night involves peeling wallpaper from the walls of my ex-boyfriend’s house (and this is not a euphemism), it’s time to take drastic action.
I’m not talking about “action” in the “cornucopia of venereal disease” sense, either—though I’m not necessarily on the celibacy wagon. I just mean “action” in the sense of pursuing something more exciting than sitting alone and watching paint dry while waiting for Mr. Perfect.
I seem to have exhausted the supply of single “friends of friends.” I can no longer find a crush at the bar, as the hot men occupying the bars are either: a.) 21 years-old, b.) expecting children with their hot wives, or c.) have already been on a date with me, my friend, or my sister.
Last weekend, I came to some conclusions while ripping up carpet and pulling staples at the ex-boyfriend’s house. My lack of a romantic life is not only depressing for me, personally, it also leads to super-boring columns, which might be depressing for you readers (all 12 of you). That was the final straw—I decided to start exploring the world outside of my bubble.
Don’t get me wrong—I like my Missoula bubble. I like my friends, my co-workers, my favorite spots. I even like ripping up carpet while Suave and Hubby bicker and chug Tecate beer. But I don’t really want to do it more than once a year or so.
After seeing the same faces at the Old Post three nights in a row last week, I was almost embarrassed by my predictable routine. It’s hypocritical of me to complain about my lack of dating prospects, and yet do nothing to encourage changing the situation.
It’s doubtful (although I remain hopeful) that Mr. Perfect is going to materialize out of the steam from my daily Le Petit americano, or spring fully-formed from the Double Haul tap handle at the Kettlehouse (though if I drink enough Double Haul IPA, I can at least hallucinate myself a date). It’s simple—if I continue doing the same things with the same friends day after day, I’m not going to meet an eligible bachelor.
It’s time to step out of the comfort zone.
And here’s my motivation for change: you readers. I’m going to throw myself into the world of cyber-dating, and then tell you all about it. Somehow, it seems more fun (and less painful) to try online dating if I have an online support group at New West. I’ll let you in on the failures and successes, and all the nitty-gritty details of strange virtual and personal interactions that ensue.
Now, those of you who might not appreciate what this means for me should check out my column, “Cursor-Controlled Winks.” If my short-lived attempt at using MySpace made me uncomfortable, actively participating in something like Match.com ought to be really interesting.
But here’s my basic plan: once I’ve set up a profile, I’ll try to get a date. If I get a date, I plan to be open-minded about the other person. This is not as easy as it sounds. But I figure a month or so should be enough time to gauge the effectiveness of using the internet to meet single men. If nothing else, it’ll be more entertaining than peeling wallpaper, right? Or at least a character-building experience?
Here’s where I need your help. I have no idea how to start this process of online dating, so I’d love your recommendations on the best site(s) to use. Where can I meet people who aren’t scary, bizarre, or completely awkward? Do I make up a witty profile, or a serious one? Should I use a goofy picture or a fake one? How much information do I reveal before actually meeting someone face-to-face? Is there anyone in Missoula who actually uses online dating sites, or will I have to fly to San Francisco to meet someone?
Let me know your thoughts. In the meantime, I’ll be doing some deep, contemplative research on how to conjure single men from coffee steam and beer foam.
Don’t forget to enter your “Workplace Romance” story in the You Made It contest! Email us a few lines detailing your experience, or nominate a friend’s workplace romance story. We’ll announce the winner on Wednesday, January 31st, and deliver him/her a bottle of wine and bouquet of flowers.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
“How are you feeling about the break-up?” –I asked a girlfriend last weekend.
“I’m okay. It helps, though, that he won’t be dating anyone else soon…I mean, he’s not going to meet another woman unless she appears on the end of his fly line, or rides up on the bull elk he’s aiming at.”
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Good advice, Small World and Chris. I appreciate the words of caution. I think, unfortunately, I'm usually TOO bold while out in Missoula, and the eye contact and smiles send the men running. And I am definitely susceptible to the "screen of well crafted words," so I'll have to look out if I get the online dating attempt off the ground...
Cheers,
BS
Thanks for the words of wisdom/caution, gentleman. Unfortunately, Small World, I think I'm TOO bold while out in Missoula, and my eye contact and smiles send 'em runnin'. And, yes Chris, I'm often deceived by the screen of words, and will have to take care to be realistic if I delve into the online dating pool...
Cheers,
BS
One thing I realised is that my preference is not to email a whole lot with someone before meeting them. You can so easily slip into emailing long stories about yourself and get all excited by the responses and stories they are telling, but then when you meet them there is no chemistry and no way in hell you would ever date them and then you can add yet another category to the list of awkward people to bump into around town.
I tend to look at the whole online dating thing as a way to meet people whose paths I may not otherwise cross. Its a way to cross paths and then meet (if I'm still interested after a preliminary "dipping in a toe" with a few emails, phone calls, etc.) and proceed with a more normal flow of getting to know each other.
Suerte!
I agree with a previous comment that you need to be bold--guys see you in a bar and say to themselves, "They must be taken, I wouldn't stand a chance...hey, this is good beer!".
Myself, I am shy. I have never went up to a girl I didn't know and struck up a conversation. Every girlfriend I ever had came up to me and initiated the relationship. The exeception is my wife...
In order to avoid one of those bold women who were tracking me down, I asked her to pretend to be my girlfriend so the stalker would leave me alone...after 12 years of marriage the charade continues! I know that eventually you will both find your soul mates.
And any potential suitors who are reading this...keep your intentions honorable...their dad is a good shot.
While the excitement of an entirely new style of dating is alluring, as a good friend... don't do it. Or at least don't do it with any real hope of finding Mr. Perfect in your computer. It seems that the small Missoula scene is less of a burden than the endless world of cyberspace. Plus, while those Double Hauls may blind us in some ways, the distance between the stranger next to you at the Khole is nothing compared to the distance between you and Sexy Man (who for all you know might be a 12-year-old) you start corresponding with through the net. My words of warning...
I like all this "Be Bold" talk, but what does that look like? We are bold, right? How can we be bold and not be totally overwhelming? Anyone?
Well, while we're trying to solve these possibly unanswerable questions maybe we should get together at at the Khole?!?! What you think, sistahs?
Another real date turned out to be a small world encounter because the guy had my dad as a professor in his undergrad degree....that killed that!
Good luck and if for no other reason than entertainment value, soldier on!
Uncle Doug: I don't think Dad's that good of a shot, especially if you're a moving target. But thanks for the compliments, and the advice. However, see below.
Samba Sistah: Your question is perfect: "How can we be bold and not be totally overwhelming?" Case in point is a recent weekend night out. I was with several attractive, single women. I approached a nearby table of five single men (though they might have had girlfriends/wives stashed at home). We chatted, laughed, etc. I invited them to accompany us to the next bar, which a few did. I even bought a round of drinks--and nothing. Everyone walked away without exchanging numbers. I can understand if they didn't appreciate my boldness, or me in general, but there were FIVE single women present!!! What's the use in being bold if it leads nowhere?
Event #2 Friend: Squash, huh? I like your entertainment value pitch, too.
Some Guy: The first few sentences were ever so practical--thanks. But the others were slightly off-base: I do genuinely want to meet someone. Hands down. I am not faking that even a little bit, column or no. And as for the "long list of guys" I've dated (let me know where I can find that list, since mine's fairly short), I can only think of one who doesn't call me anymore--is it you?
TO ALL READERS: Keep the advice and stories comin'! Thanks.
-BS
After all, I'm online.
Two more words for you Sister: "Lower standards."
Small World: I actually met my freak-show-reptile-collector the first time I went to Charlie's years ago. Cuz he was "bold"--and it was a great evening, actually. I even got to keep a fossil or two to take home with me. Thanks for pushing us out of the comfort zone.
-BS
In my experience, the people I have met online have been honest about themselves. While I have yet to meet my match, I have met several interesting people and expanded my network of friends.
Yes, there are creeps and wierdos out there but they are at the bars too.
I say go for it - you just need a good sense of humor. Why not!
Cheers!
Girl, if you are overwhelming it's because someone has NO self-esteem. You would spend all of your time trying to make them feel adequate anyway. I KNOW you...you are normal anywhere but Missoula where more then half the male population is "searching for themselves" and the other half suffer form Peter-Pan syndrome.
Good luck
Like I said, both places are near and dear to me, but if you were "some gal" instead of "some guy" and we were having a friendly, ice-breaking chat at the Old Post, I'd almost consider the judgemental nature a deal-breaker.
The other 1% of my DNA is Peter Pan (or is it Peanut Butter?)
Nick--good point on the "younger, often more pretentious" crowd at OPP. In our fair city, it IS, actually, a bit nerve-wracking to decide whether Charlie's will be frowned upon by Some Guy/Gal because of the smoking. I guess that's why "smoker/non-smoker" is right up there with "atheist/fervently religious" with the most important question for online dating profiles...
Pendejo--you should write a guest column. Seriously. It'd be awesome.
Mama--thank you for thinking I'm normal. I'm going to write that down and look at it frequently as a reminder.
-BS
That being said, I'm still in the Don't Try It camp when it comes to online dating ... and so I have to answer that no, if you were to meet me at the OPP, it would not 'count'. It would have to be considered an Appointment, a Meeting, a Discussion, or, in Internet parlance, an F2F, but not a Date. I'm only offering an in-person opinion of why online dating doesn't work. (You'd be free to try to win an actual date after that. One hopes that I would have dissuaded you from ever bothering to craft an online profile at all.)
I think there is some reluctance to speak to someone who you may see across the bar. Its as if its such a small town and everyone knows everyone by at least 2 degrees of seperation, that you (in general, not you specifically) are afraid to take a chance and speak to someone who you don't know but are attracted to for fear that 1) it will become the next day's gossip, 2) that the other cute guy you are eyeing in the bar won't talk to you if you go talk to some other guy first, 3) straight out fear of rejection, and 4) fear of getting out of your comfort zone. OR you are sitting at 2-3 tables pulled together full of friends and what guy (a stranger) wants to risk coming up to you in front of all your friends, including guys he's not sure are friends or more? All those things come into play when you are out and about in a small town such as Missoula. Maybe online dating can eliminate some of those situations and let a guy make his move without such an intimidating audience.
I mentioned that I used to live in Missoula and have since moved to a city. Never thought it would happen after 10 years of mountain towns. But, I digress. Just metioning that since I can compare and contrast my expereinces (Missoula vs. city), and have a different perspective to offer.
Once I moved to the city, I had more men coming up to me in all kinds of situations then I ever expected. At the ATM, in the grocery store, in our cars on the highway, walking into a clothing store, chasing after me across an intersection I as I just crossed the street. As well as in bars and the ususal places. Men here seem bolder. Not afraid to take a chance and meet someone they are attracted to. Maybe its the animinity of it? Maybe its becuase its a bigger city and if you don't take a chance and say soemthing at the moment of opportunity, you may never see that person again. Whereas in Missoula, you can wait to see that person around town 3-4 times before you get the nerve to say something to them. Just some thoughts.
One of the beautiful things about living in Missoula is the opportunities you get to meet men in the outdoors and while doing activities both of you love. For example...lets say you hike/bike/run/ski (whatever your pleasure) on the Rattlesnake Trail. And you go there about 2-3 times a week. Or even once in a while. Maybe there is a guy who lived in the Rattlesnake that runs there too and you cross paths with him quite often and give each other little knowing smiles and sexy glances. Eventually, one of you will say something and you'll meet and the next hike would be together! OK, now you see I am a romantic!
This got long....thanks for letting me ramble, lol.
On the other hand, when I lived in Chicago for awhile, I'd end up in conversations that lasted 15 minutes with the person in the check-out line at the grocery store. Something about being lost in the masses enables people to open up a little more.
Here goes..
Last time I visited Missoula, I made plans to meet up with a friend of mine at the OPP. I got there a bit early and took a seat at the bar while I waited for her. It was not that busy there that night and seated at the bar next to me was an interesting guy about my age and looked like he could have potentially been a friend. Meaning, not completely outside the realm of possibility. I would have talked to him. I wanted to talk to him. Not even with romantic/sexual intentions (ok, maybe ;), but just for the sake of talking and having a good conversation and making the time pass. One of the most pleasurable things in life is making connections with people and you never know when and where that can happen. And, I know what some may be thinking...maybe he was not interested, maybe he had other things on his mind, etc. etc. But that was not the vibe I got. I think he was scared or intinidated, or it just was not the thing to do in the OPP...talk to a stranger, lol. And why didn't I say something? I don't know.
So anyway, Nick, you are not the only one that happens to. Maybe next time take a chance and talk to the hottie sitting next to you at the bar. At the very least, maybe you'll make a new friend.
-Californiamontanacan
Thanks for the OPP stories, Anon and Nick D. It's always reassuring to know that it's not quite THAT inbred at the favorite haunts...you can still see folks you don't know (and might possibly get up the guts to talk to).
-BS
In regards to Californiamontanacan's, I think that what's being lamented here is not so much the availability of attractive, smart, single people -- but the added social constraints of dating in Missoula. For some reason, the same few venues keep popping up, but that's not to say that the commenters aren't out and about elsewhere.
A few random thoughts:
First Friday - the place where you see amazingly attractive people that you never see anywhere else.
Good Food Store - ditto (unless they're working there, and then they're usually a friend or an ex).
Farmer's Market - Having a great conversation and then their husband/wife rolls up with the stroller.
Carmike 10 - After they puke on the floor next to you or verbally harrass your date, you're glad you don't see them anywhere else.
Western Montana Fair - Have a great time sharing beers with them at the Demo Derby and lament that they live in Mineral Co. and tell you, "I hate coming to Missoula."
Southgate Mall - Do people my age really drive cars with bolt-on spoilers?
I could go on and on, but I feel like I might start letting too many of my own personal biases sound like insults. So I'll pose a question to other commenters: I know it's like asking about your secret fishing spot, but what's the best-kept, secret meeting place for other singles or just generally interesting potential friends in Missoula?
Oh yeah, I'll throw you a bone..... USPS! Priority.
-Californiamontanacan