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Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

Ralph Nader: Turd in the Campaign Punch Bowl

By Bob Wire, 2-26-08

In only 36 short weeks (longer than it takes some folks to gestate a whole baby), we’ll be electing a new president. Or, perhaps the Supreme Court will. Depends on what kind of mood Dick Cheney is in that day. I’m guessing grumpy.

When you stop to think about it, we’ve had some asshole from only two families in the White House for the last 20 years. And there’s a good chance that streak could stretch to 24. Personally, I think either Hillary or Obama would do a much better job at running the country than the current Corrupter-In-Chief, who has all the political acumen and presidential respectability of Barney Fife with a snootful of meth. As we all know, this election is the Democrats’ to lose. Which they, as a party, are plenty capable of doing.

But just to make sure it’s going to be a nail-biter, along comes Ralph Nader, like a herpes outbreak on prom night, to stick his dick in the mashed potatoes.

In 2000, I cut my very own smoky back-room deal with my brother-in-law Manny. He lives in Florida, and at the time was a staunch Naderite. Since Gore had about as much chance of carrying Montana as the Unabomber, I proposed a vote swap. I’d vote for Nader if Manny voted for Gore. A vote for Gore in Florida would carry much more weight (I naïvely thought at the time) than a Nader vote here, so it was a good deal. Well, I later found out that Manny voted for Nader anyway, violating the sacred trust required of a smoky back-room deal. I would have been supremely pissed, if I hadn’t gone ahead and voted for Gore.

But no one, even Ralph Nader, thought that Nader had a snowball’s chance in Vegas of winning that election. Would you want your cranky-ass grandmother in the Oval Office, constantly lecturing you about wearing your seatbelt and telling you to pull your pants up? Hell no. And neither did the rest of America. However, as we all know, this bad penny of a presidential candidate (who is less qualified than Pat Paulsen, who was once asked if he thought the voters were uninformed, or simply apathetic. His excellent response: “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”) swayed enough progressives and dreamers to shift their votes from Gore, allowing the election to be close enough for Bush’s army of deceitful neo-con vermin to call in enough markers to actually strongarm the highest court in the land.

Thank you, Ralph Nader. We all figured that you’d wait at least a couple of election cycles to emerge from beneath your rock of consumer advocacy before you pulled this shit again. Ralph, you know as well as I do that people in this country have short memories, and eight years is enough time to be distracted by a dozen Britney career arcs. But you’re getting on in years, and maybe your memory is even shorter than that of the national consciousness. But when the news of your entering the race causes millions of Americans to respond with a collective “oh, NO,” you can be sure you’ve made the wrong decision.

Nader is even older than McCain, who makes Ronald Reagan look like Zac Efron. At 74, Nader’s running out of chances to ruin elections. So I guess he doesn’t want to wait until he’s running his misguided campaign from the Alzheimer’s home. But hopefully, this time around, progressive and liberal voters will still be feeling the sting of 2000, when nearly half the country proved that they were ignorant enough to vote for a guy simply because he was less boring than Al Gore. I had never been more embarrassed by my fellow countrymen than after that election. Thirty million people managed to tune in to American Idol the night before, but they couldn’t be bothered to read a newspaper story or find anything on the internet about Bush/Cheney and their Halliburton/Gas & Awl Bidness motives.

So here we are today, paying three bucks and change for a gallon of gas, watching our debt-laden country slide into a recession while thousands of men and women serving in our military are dying in Iraq and Afghanistan so the Greedhead-In-Chief and his cronies can have a shot at the oil rights to line their already well-lined pockets. Nine-eleven retribution? Give me a lunch break. Most of those hijackers were from Saudi Arabia, a nation the Bush family has been cozy with since the days of Bush 41. Iraq wasn’t involved, no matter how much breast-beating blather emanated from the White House leading up to the invasion.

I like Hillary. But I’ve decided to vote for Barack. Of course, my vote will be canceled out thousands of times over just by the redneck idiots who choke on their Skoal because “Obama” rhymes with “Osama.” And I’m not voting for him simply because he’s black. He’s not black. Samuel L. Jackson is black. Barack is off-black, like Tiger Woods. But he’s smart, he’s cagey, and so far he’s shown that he’s tough enough to withstand the scrutiny, the petty meanness, and the sheer absurdity of a national presidential campaign.

Hillary is a tough broad, and a single withering look from her can do more damage than a chokehold from John McCain. But it’s time for some REAL change, not just a different Clinton or Bush. Jesus, I guess we should all be thankful that Jeb didn’t get his shit together in time for this one. I would bet that the Bush clan (led by Barbara, who’s even more fearsome than Hillary. Hell, she got herself on the dollar bill, didn’t she?) would find a way to sneak that son of a bitch in the back door.

I’ll admit that I don’t even know that much about Obama’s policies. But that’s largely because at this stage, no candidate can afford to be too specific or give any straight answers, lest they risk losing a single potential voter. That’s okay. I’m willing to let him enjoy a long honeymoon, and some on-the-job training.

So hopefully, by election day, Nader will have flamed out and/or faded away, so that we can funnel our faith into one candidate. I’d be happy with either Democrat, but the Demo’s have a history of fracturing under pressure and not being able to deliver the coup de gras. We don’t need Ralph Nader distracting ANY liberal or moderate voters with the shiny objects of outsiderism or unrealistic promises. Yes, our federal government is pretty much owned and run by corporate special interests. We let it happen. But that big ol’ dirty ship is going to take some time to turn around, and nothing short of a full-scale revolution and collapse of democracy will achieve this in the short run. Let’s start by sending the Republicans packing. They had their shot. They failed us spectacularly.

I can only hope that Nader will realize that he is a national joke, not a legitimate contender. The key will be for him to bow out in time for his supporters to grieve, and then come over to the light. Hey, if it will help, I’ll even volunteer to cop his joint in an airport men’s room.

I mean, come on, Ralph! Even Don Quixote wised up eventually.

[For more erudite, insightful political commentary, well, you might want to try the New York Times. Otherwise, check back with NewWest.net/BobWire frequently for more grab-bag writing.]

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