Column: Making it in Missoula
The Sexual Double Standard
By Little Sis, 2-21-07
All right, my friends. I think we know each other well enough to introduce this topic, and I hope we’re mature enough to engage in a dialogue about it. If you question your maturity, please refrain from responding. This is adult material from here on out, and I’m not interested in snide or adolescent comments.
The sexual double standard is a subject that comes up frequently among my girlfriends, and at times among the men as well. But it is rarely talked about with any seriousness when both parties are present. What I hope to do here is provide an open environment for a thought-provoking discussion of the double standard.
We all know the game. It starts with language. A woman that sleeps with several men is a “slut” or a “whore.” A man that gets laid all the time is a “stud” or a “player.” The negative connotation is, without fail, draped on the female. When will men get it through their heads that a woman enjoying sex is a good thing?
It progresses to the attitude. A woman who has sex on the first date is always to blame for the lack of a second date, despite the fact that the male possesses the necessary appendage for sex to occur. I can’t tell you how many times this conversation has taken place among my girlfriends:
“He hasn’t called me back. I thought we had a great time.”
“You shouldn’t have slept with him on the first date. He already got what he wanted.”
Why the hell does this make sense? If both parties discover the other enjoys sex, shouldn’t we be adult enough to handle it? Is the man looking for a perpetual virgin? Wake up. Women are real.
Men, here’s a question: why do you lose interest in a woman who wants you from the get-go? Women, why do you allow and encourage your girlfriends to think their sexual freedom is a fault?
I would like to introduce the concept that a sexually free woman is a strong woman, instead of the self-degrading delinquent that seems to be the predominant image. Yes, sometimes promiscuity (on the part of both sexes) is a side-effect of low confidence or self-esteem. But the reality is that most of the women I know are proud of their bodies, their understanding of them, and their confidence in enjoying them.
These are just a few examples of the double standard. Please offer more, and offer some solutions or thoughts. The sexual equality of women and men may be a long way off, but breaking the taboo against discussing it is an important step.
I realize I’m running the risk of assuming the “slut” label myself for caring enough to introduce the subject. Let it fly. Just be ready from some intelligent and logical rebuttals.
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As for your question to the women, I think a lot of the onus probably comes from what I surmise (in a most un-PC way) is the unspoken notion that when it comes to making that final decision that "yes, we're going to do this," the woman is in the driver's seat. Speaking as a guy that has probably only recently reached a level of maturity to think about these things with any nuance, most young men go into these situations with their vote cast firmly in the "yes" category. We have to rely on our more sensible counterparts to help us avoid bad decisions. Of course I'm making a gross generalization, but I think that there's a subconscious process that many of us go through where we fault the women because we've already decided that most men are sluts. It's the difference between being singled-out or being part of a crowd.
I'm not saying it's right; it's just my impression of where the double standard is born.
Stay tuned, and Rock on Sister.
As for the lack of a call back, maybe the guy thought he was with a woman who was comfortable with ' their sexual freedom'. Maybe she just wanted a one night deal? Maybe he did. The sex could have been bad... there's just as many turn offs for a man as turn ons. Did you try calling him back, or is that the guys job?
I agree with Gary though. This scenario sounds abnormal.... freakishly so. At least you are having sex. Maybe this has more to do with your realtionship issues than with sweeping sexual generalizations. And as for the 'studs and players'? A minority getting the majority of the action (which gets back to women often having misearble tastes in men).
So take all of that along with a patriarchal society, small town, and the fact that men are stronger, and in control of sex as far as arousal, and you have reality.
-Californiamontanacan
When it comes to the attitude that "A woman who has sex on the first date is always to blame for the lack of a second date" I have to say that it goes back to stereotypes again. Ones such as "women who have sex on the first date only wanted sex and shes just a slut". Most men will fall back on a stereotype like that in that situation and assume she doesn't want a second date, especially if she doesn't call.
A bit over simplified and general. But you get the point. Solutions? Until the culture that women are the ones with choices and men have to choice ends there isn't much you can do about being labeled a slut if you enjoy sex and seek it out. Except do your best to ignore it. To fix the "Sex on the first = no second" situation I think its necessary that both parties make it clear on the first that they want a second. And no ladies, having sex on the first date does not make it clear that you want a second date, it just makes it clear you wanted sex at that time. Then its up to both parties to arrange a second date. Leaving it up to the man to call back is just immature, regardless of who initiated the first date.
Thats my 2 cents. Take it, leave it, or ask for more.
Sis, if you shake your dainty plumage and attract an eager young Turk at the bar or party or GFS--whatever your m.o.--and he is a decent guy, you are probably making his year. He'll remember you for a very long time. But anyone with enough maturity to have this discussion knows that it's unlikely that he will hold out much hope for a longer term relationship. What reasonably intelligent guy, after all, wants to invest real effort into a relationship with such an eager beaver? Of course men love to get laid as much as women do. But for love to blossom, young Turks also like to pretend they are being allowed to enter a sacred realm--that the attention they are receiving from a woman, sexual or otherwise, is not of the mass-produced variety. Give it up on that first night and they'll know they've visited the carnal equivalent of Starbucks. It'll do, but it ain't nothing special.
How do you make the jump from first-night sex to "the carnal equivalent of Starbucks"? Just because a woman sleeps with a man on the first date doesn't mean that she sleeps with every man on the first date. It is assumptions and generalizations just like those that are the root of the problem. As well as language like "give it up", as if women have just one night of "special" sex a year. In my opinion, if the man in question is mature enough, he'll damn well invest in a longer-term relationship with a woman who trusted him enough to sleep with him.
Keep trying. I've got more than enough female friends looking for you.
Nick D. and Zane-
Thank you for that honest revelations. I think it's interesting that you put women in the power position, which makes more sense that the consequences fall on our shoulders. I don't think it's right, either.
Californiamontanacan-
This is not an abnormal scenario. Talk to a woman.
Also, the reason that you even have the opportunity to be called a slut or whore (not advocating) is that, as stated earlier, you can be a slut or a whore. It's been my experience that women can have sex at the drop of a hat. Sure there's always the curve breakers.
" When will men get it through their heads that a woman enjoying sex is a good thing?". Wow. I don't know any man who thinks a woman enjoying sex isn't a good thing. Plenty of women enjoy sex with boyfriends, husbands, ect. How you made the jump from this to no call back after one date I don't know.
Sounds like you need to move to a new town.
Californiamontanacan-
The "opportunity" to be called a slut? You make it sound like women are jumping at the prospect to be called a hurtful name. It sounds like you think a woman enjoying sex isn't a good thing, as you said "women can have sex at the drop of a hat". You paint that in a negative light, failing to mention that men can do the same thing and not be looked down upon for it. Once again, this is the language at the root of the problem that needs to undergo a serious shift.
"failing to mention that men can do the same thing and not be looked down upon for it. "
Not true on both counts. Single men generally can't have sex at the drop off a hat. And man whores, male bimbos (mimbos), do get looked down upon for their actions.... depending on the company they keep. I think much of your situation has to actually do with your friends, who you date, and of course yourself.
Seems we've ratcheted up the forum, huh, Little Sis?
The real question is: if anyone (male or female) "drops a hat" somewhere in Missoula, will anyone hear it? And, if they hear it, does a sexual partner appear magically, perhaps to the tune of a few bars of a James Brown song?
Everyone drop a hat in five, four, three...
-BS
Romance and zipless fucks (as Erica Jong described them) are great if they occur. When they don't occur, someone ends up feeling hurt, rejected, labled, gossipped about or otherwise diminished, etc. Good sex and an honest relationship are worth getting past the awkwardness and into clear communication. After all, you can't call someone a slut if you have had an honest communication with her.
It wasn't so long ago that marriage was simply a transfer of rights of ownership of a woman from her father to her husband. Her virginity was the mark of value, along with a dowry, and again, owned by the men in her life.
I realize that men (especially in Missoula) and women for that matter are trying pretty hard to get past this. For perspective, I think marriage is a good idea, love men, and don't spend my free time debating with my friends who has the most beautiful long leg hair. But I do think the long history of ownership and oppression of women has a lasting legacy, which includes general disdain for women who own themselves.
I think we're in an awkward place in history. Women of course, enjoy the right to vote, we work, we participate in government and lead companies. In many senses, we've succeeded in a long struggle to enjoy basic civil and human rights like men. In other ways, sexism pervades quietly.
And, Californiamontanacan, I think your missing the point when you say "work backwards and see where you made bad choices." Its begging the question that Lil Sis, or any of us, made a bad choice, and if it is a bad choice, why isn't it for a man? Why is it a "no you didn't, wink wink, let's go out tonight and do it again you hero" for men, and a "shame on you, don't you have any pride" for women?
So does LS have a list of actual people who have called names, branded, not called back? Or is this more of a general sweeping atmospheric social affair?
It simply doesn't matter that others may not be on the receiving end of such expressions of bad taste. Also, I don't think the person within any of us is easily arrested from expressing harsh judgments or other forms of bad taste. While brushing one's teeth or before slumber interdicts the day, assess the conversations with that voice. If there is alignment of the inner and outer person, there is peace and a strength of spirit to resist the bad taste stemming from others.
If you think I wrote this piece as a personal rant, you are sorely mistaken. I happen to be in a position of capability to lend a voice to a problem that pervades society in every place I've ever lived or visited. I have to admit to my anger that you accuse me of making bad choices based on my writing of a sensitive topic that deserves some serious examination. Roomie was right in her observation that sexism pervades quietly - perhaps it is some people's refusal to view the problem in a broader context. Perhaps that's why you'd rather brand me, the voice, with bad personal choices instead of actually speaking to your female friends about an adult subject.
-BS
Over and out and best of luck.
Grow a thicker skin right now. I'll wait.
Ready? OK, here's some lively discussion coming your way.
I'm surprised you haven't figured this problem out on your own. You get so close sometimes, and then, woosh! Point flies by, unnoticed. Surely you have realized that a small number of men are servicing a large number of women, because they have traits that you cannot resist. You pick them, as others have pointed out here. Those traits? To start with, they don't give a fuck about you (any of "you" wether it's really you or your "friend" who didn't get "called back") and you can't resist guys that don't give a shit. It really helps if they don't give a shit about *anything*. Chicks dig that. You dig that. Look deep inside, and admit it to yourself. It will be your first step in healing. Oh, I mean, have your friend look inside herself. Sorry. I got confused.
Guys that even show a hint that they might possibly consider caring enough about you to want a 2nd date are eliminated from your field of vision so fast it makes you slightly dizzy. You don't give them a chance to blow you off (e.g. fail to call you for a second date) because they don't get a first "date" with you, if that's what you want to call a drunken shag after you hook up in Charlie B's. I mean, your "friend". Sorry. I keep getting confused.
And what kinda line are you feeding poor Gary up there anyway? You got friends looking out for him? Save your pathos, baby, you're not doing him any favors. Chicks do not respond to "Oh, he's such a great guy, you should go out with him!" when it comes from a SINGLE WOMAN. Good grief. Obviously he's not good enough for YOU.
Now, if you shagged him a few times and then decided it wasn't going to work out because you both want to sleep on the starboard side of the bed at least he'd have a shot with your friends who like to sleep on the port side. As it stands, you could help him more by lying about what a great shag he is to all your friends and how you wish you could have him all to yourself but he's looking for someone with a little more common sense than you've got.
And all the while your friends are off doing the one night stand with the alpha males so often that they're worried about being labled sluts? And pity him like he can't get a date. "Keep trying?" WTF? He's obviously been tagged "nice guy" by you and your friends. He may as well move to another city 'cause he ain't gonna get it here, what with you looking out for him and all.
Hell, did you even consider that maybe he's not really all that nice? Maybe if you two got alone he would be perfectly willing and able to tie you down and tickle you until you begged him to give you release. Maybe he's the guy who could rock your world one Friday night, and then go to coffee with you on Sunday and look you in the eye. Maybe all it takes to make him attractive is a little tiny bit of an ego boost that to make up for all the rejection he got from chicks like you who want to talk with him because he's nice but then ditch him and go home with a random jerk who knows how to push your buttons from a few feet down the bar by ignoring you (yeah, it's almost that easy). Give him a shot, Little Sis! Go for it! I mean, your friend. Sorry, I keep getting that mixed up.
If you feel like a party girl on a particular night in a particular situation, go for it love. Be proud of it, show it, work it. No shame if you arent ashamed or conflicted about it.If you feel like a party girl don't hide it, don't act like you're on a find a date to find a husband right then and stay in that tighter role. If you arent interviewing that night, lets party! There is time for interviews, but that can come later. Whatever your style, try to do it the way that is comfortable or works for you.
Little Sis: We're all glad you adore sex. Really, we are. And we're happy you don't see any reason not to go and get yerself some on Date #1. Really! There's not a thing wrong with that. (The world ought to be like that for everyone!)
EXCEPT. You're leaving out one key factor, in your general complaint regarding why-don't-we-'strong-women'-get-a-call-back. See, you're actually wanting *two* things, in your super-liberated world of being young and hotter than anyone else in the room. You want A) good sex from a guy you trust and like and B) for that guy to take you seriously.
Now there's nothing wrong with wanting those things at the same time. You should have them. You deserve them! We *all* (those of us who are decent ... right Gary?) deserve both of those things at the same time.
So you simply need to know one thing before you sleep with the guy, whether it's date #1 or date #10 (or simply I-Ho Flirtation #1) ... does he take you seriously? Does he respect that you don't just want him to bang you, thank the heavens for his amazing luck, and then blissfully forget you by 4pm the next day? And does he understand that *you* don't want that either? Because if you DO just want a quick roll in the hay, THE GUY DESERVES TO KNOW THAT TOO. You have to have that conversation *first*. It's de riguer. Get used to it. If you want to be taken seriously, you may have to press him on this subject. Get him to tip his hand. And if he says he's just in it for the fun, make your informed decision at that time (and no sooner). If he says he wants you to be his everything -- beer-induced haze notwithstanding -- then who knows? the romp might be all the better, and he'll feel gratified that you might just want to keep him. Or you might decide (as Q.Random has decided for you) that a guy who's honestly, genuinely into you, doesn't work for you. Just don't fuck him before you get to know him well enough to consider what's in it for him!
If you were really "... hop(ing) to ... provide an open environment for a thought-provoking discussion of the double standard", Little Sis, then my vote has to go to "roomie" !!! I know I haven't voted "early" ... can I vote OFTEN? If so, consider it done!
"roomie" is RIGHT ON: " ... sexism pervades quietly." Yep ... there IS that "language" and there IS that "attitude" ... and, yep ... it DOES get turned inside out sometimes. So just how many of us are going to live long enough to see a change and just what ARE we going to do to make it "all better"??? ... a puzzlement, to say the least!
I just hope you will all understand why the following quote by Carrie Snow zapped through my mind as I read some of the comments. Carrie expressed the revolutionary idea that "A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car."
Wonder why that silly idea might have come to mind??!!! ;-)
But the only advice I've got to share at this belated hour is that voiced by Eleanor Roosevelt, who said:
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
So hang in there! ... and thanks, Little Sis, for an interesting PEOPLE-probe!
But my main objection to it is that while many parents are concerned about the sexuality of their daughters, they are cavalier about that of their sons. At a time of STD's, some of which are life-threatening, there could not be a worse time for the kind of hypocrisy and self-deception involved in maintaining this sexual standard. Just as women are vulnerable to STD's and unwanted pregnancies, men are vulnerable to unwanted fatherhood, and circumstances of unwed parenthood that favor mothers as well as STD's. I don't know of anyone who has not made an error in judgment about the opposite sex, but that should not be a reason to demonize one sex and shrug it off for the other.