BABY H. MILLER

Baby and His Blankie

By Randy Harward, 1-17-06

Oh, Larry H. Miller, you are a classy one. What a loving, Christ-like example you are for the people of Salt Lake City, nay, the world. You've said all you have to say about pulling Brokeback Mountain from your mighty Megaplex 17 (just off State Street at 9400 South--bring the kids, but leave the gay ones home) just by pulling the film. And you've noted that you're received "a lot more positive" attention (as opposed to, you know, negative attention) for your deed. This, while swatting away inquiring reporters' mics like a too-hot bottle of milk.

Aw, does baby prefer the warm blankie of cheap consensus? That's what you get in Utah, where public opinion is out of skew with that of the nation (and even some of the barrels of crackers down South). But you don't just live in Utah, Larry-warry. You live in a country, on a planet, under (if you're open to such a thing--and, shucks, I know you are) God. A God that pious types like yourself like to remind people is loving and kind and will forgive us for whatever sins you might commit--even the worst ones. This God, pious types like yourself like to remind us, also judges and punishes us for those sins. Among these transgressions is judgement, telling God how to do his job.

That's what you've done by pulling Brokeback Mountain, judging a film merely because it portrays a loving homosexual relationship. That's what I'm doing by thinking you're a pompous, hypocritical jerk. That's okay, though. Not being a believer, I'm only accountable to myself. I can live with judging you because I know it's an honest sentiment that I formulated with my very own brain. You'd likely say the same, except you probably consulted the Good Word, be it the Bible or one of the various LDS-authored Bible-y tomes, thereby backing your shit up. Or if you're slumming, you might've traced a finger back and forth across the works of Dobson. He may not belong to the One True Church, but he at least agrees with you. And as long as you have people purring consensus at you, that's all you need to feel comfortable in your bigotry--even as you hypocritically preach equality to the NAACP and continue to make money from other films that depict gratuitous violence, drug use and heterosexuality, not to mention films and TV shows that show homosexuality.

But hey, I've said all I have to say on this matter--by saying it. Let's tuck you in, big fella. You've had a rough week. Sleep well in your soft blanket. Tomorrow you can go back to swatting at those pesky reporters' microphones (video here) and chasing the moneychangers into Jordan Commons. You cute little Christ-like, loving, classy fella, you. Night-night.

Like this story? Get more! Sign up for our free newsletters.