Missoula News

Column: Making It In Missoula

Befriending the Ex: Sensible or Stupid?

By Big Sis, 9-06-06

Last week, Little Sis delved into the quandary of how best to interact (or not) with someone after a one-night stand. Now I want to discuss how to deal with ex’s of the longer-term variety.

Missoula, in my experience, is simply too small to banish an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend from your life. Short of moving far, far away, you can’t completely avoid the person unless you change your habits, friends, and address.

You’re bound to run into the ex while browsing through granola in the bulk section of the Good Food Store, or maybe snuggling with a new special-someone in the mini-series aisle at Crazy Mike’s Video.

So, the question is: how do you bridge the gap from long-time-lovers to nod-on-the-street acquaintances?

The answer, of course, is one of personal preference. The post-romantic stage of a relationship can take various forms: enemies, drinking buddies, email-only communicators, or best friends forever.

Some of you might be adept at wiping the relationship from your memory and manage—with some sort of superpower—to never see or talk to the ex ever again. Others of you might make the occasional “check-in” call, have coffee twice a year, or at least send a Christmas card.

Then there’s me: the serial ex befriender. For better or for worse, I try to jump directly to “friend” status after any break-up. I want to keep in touch, know their current events, meet the new girlfriend. I just can’t help myself.

This is mostly a character flaw. But befriending the ex is also the nature of living peacefully in Missoula.

For instance, one of my ex-boyfriends, Suave, lives three blocks to the east and another, Daredevil, lives four blocks to the west. I hike with Daredevil's brother, and my best friend is married to Suave’s best friend.

We all frequent the same trails, the same bars, and even the same bank. It’s inevitable that I will run into my ex’s, often simultaneously, whenever I venture out. It’s a web, alright—and I admit that I’m bad at cutting the sticky strands.

I prefer befriending them instead of throwing rocks at them—even when I feel more like chucking boulders. I like not having to run behind the nearest dumpster when I see an ex walking towards me downtown. But my need to “stay in the loop” probably prompts me to take the friendships too far.

Take this scenario: when my friend, Southern Belle, and I visited the Demolition Derby last month I spotted Suave and his new girlfriend in the beer garden. I dated Suave for a couple of years, and we broke up over a year ago. I was well-prepared for the sighting, as within 10 minutes of entering the Fair gates, I’d already run into Suave’s co-workers, a mutual neighbor, and three mutual friends.

And what did I do? Turn the other cheek? Walk away quietly? Whimper and cry to Southern Belle? No. (Well, I might have whined a little.)

I waved over Suave’s new girlfriend with a big smile. We had a lovely chat, only about 80% superficial, and she bought me a beer. Everyone exchanged shoulder pats and jokes. I even gave them our tickets to the Derby.

It wasn’t the most comfortable situation, of course. But I prefer to meet the challenge of awkward situations head-on, just like the cars banging into each other during the Demolition Derby.

Are these head-on collisions healthy? Should I learn to put my friendships with ex’s in reverse? Probably.

It might be time for me to seek help for my ex-befriending habit. I’m beginning to realize (yes, I am a slow learner) how difficult it is to find a new guy or gal when the old ones are still in my peripheral vision—literally.

On the other hand, it’s no fun to have to hide in an alley every time an ex appears in my line of sight. I’m fond of my bank, and I enjoy loitering in the granola aisle. I don’t want to make new friends, or move out to Superior. Yet.

I guess I’ll just keep walking the wobbly line between dumpster-ducking and best friends forever with my ex’s. Let me know if you all have any advice on making it in Missoula with an ex—or three—roaming the streets.

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