Column: Making it in Missoula
The Dating Wish List: Should We Check It Twice?
By Big Sis, 12-20-06
It's that time of year when everyone's making lists -- for gifts, parties, Christmas cards, and New Year's resolutions.
Lately, another type of wish list keeps popping up in my conversations: the "what-I-want-in-a-significant-other" list. The question is: should we really check this list twice?
On Sunday, I took a lovely stroll through frozen Sawmill Gulch with my friends, Hot Mama and Jaguar Gal. Jag updated us on a common acquaintance:
"He told me he'd met an awesome woman, but that she didn't quite meet all the requirements on his list. I didn't even know people made lists!" she said incredulously.
Hot Mama laughed. "The ironic part is that as you get older the list grows and the pool to choose from shrinks." Hhmm. This statement struck me as very depressing. So I've been thinking more about these partner-wish-lists.
I've never actually crafted a hard-copy list of attributes I look for in a potential partner/boyfriend/lover/husband (choose your favorite politically-correct descriptor here). Okay -- maybe in sixth grade I made a list in my diary with one of those really cool ballpoint pens that could switch between four different colors.
But these days, I don't carry around a printed version, colorful or otherwise. One reason for this is that I don't, actually, know what I want (shocking), and the other reason is that there's an off-chance this list would be circulated wildly and my dreams of running for political office would be shot to hell.
However, that doesn't mean I don't have half-formed ideas of what I'd like to find in a significant other:
- Makes me laugh -- check.
- Good cook -- check.
- Enjoys outdoor (and indoor) recreation -- check.
- Has wealthy parents/trust fund for life, several lakefront homes with hot tubs, and a small personal jet to take me to exotic places -- check.
(I said it was a wish list, didn't I?)
After a few dates this past month with a friend of some friends, The Tiger, my checklist suddenly became much more conscious. This gentleman has many characteristics I've labeled as "good" (though he is lacking the trust fund and jet…). But does that mean we should get married next month?
Um, no. Unfortunately, the fact that he "fit the profile" made me behave too hastily in the early stages of dating. I sort of expected we would magically unite without actually having to get to know each other, just because the superficial boxes were checked on my wish list.
Needless to say, my expectations were a bit high -- like somewhere near the moon. Now that I've brought them down to earthly levels, hopefully The Tiger and I will proceed along the "normal" dating paths. But the initial dates made me ponder the role of conscious and unconscious decision-making in the dating realm.
To some extent, we all check the boxes and fill in a template as we get to know someone, romantically or otherwise. As humans, we're like most other animals -- we make constant decisions about who to spend time with, who to learn from, who to procreate with, and who to avoid at all costs. These judgments ensure our survival as individuals, and as a species.
Luckily, we humans have highly-evolved brains, and can make these judgments based on more than a simple sniff test. Hence, the wish list. (Though dating would be less complicated, and politics sure would be tidier, if we just smelled each other's armpits and were done with it.)
But do our wish lists for a partner's attributes really get longer as we get older, as Hot Mama suggested? I tend to think I've gotten less picky over the years:
However, I would propose that as we age our priorities jump around on the list. My friend, L, verified this trend with a recent observation:
"I've omitted the cute factor, and am focusing on finding someone who's employed."
Plus, as we get older and learn more about ourselves, we're usually less inclined to settle for someone who doesn't meet our basic standards. This is why everyone should find their life-partner by the age of 22, so that you never have figure out exactly what your standards are.
Then there's the whole conundrum of attraction. This gets back to the "humans are animals" theme: the wish list, whether it's an unconscious version or printed out in duplicate, fades in comparison to the power of pheromones.
That special, unexplainable spark makes a mockery of many lists. For instance, while I'd enjoy having a boyfriend with culinary skills, if I have to close my eyes and imagine he's Brad Pitt while giving him a smooch, it just ain't gonna work.
All the gourmet desserts in the world can't make up for a lack of chemistry. But chemistry makes up for a lot of missing wish-list-criteria.
In the end (because it's well past time to end this column, I'm sure), I think making a list of what I want in a potential boyfriend serves the same purpose as it did in sixth grade -- it looks pretty on paper, but shouldn't be taken too seriously.
Merry Christmas, Missoula! May all your holiday wishes come true (without having to check the lists twice).
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ends up being what you want"-- lyrics to an old ashley parker song
nobody's 'perfect'. you go with 'best'.