Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)
Bob Wire’s Mail Bag
By Bob Wire, 4-23-08
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We get a lot of emails here at BobWireCo™, and I thought it was high time I share some of them with you.
Q: Are you as angry as you seem in your blogs?
A: Oh, hell yes. I’m angry about many things, and every day more things are added to the pile. Here’s what’s pissing me off this morning: Van Morrison has a hit song about mispronouncing the word “entertainment” when he’s drunk.
Q: Why are your blogs so long?
A: Why is your attention span so short? The administrator of a humor website recently invited me to post some blogs there. “Keep them short enough to read in the time it takes to eat a Pop-Tart,” he instructed.
“Hey, I’ve been checking out your blog,” a friend of mine told me the other day. “But man, it’s like War and Peace.”
For those of you who haven’t figured it out, I’m treating this space as a humor column, not a blog. At this point I’ve written about 150 columns. Sometimes (like today) they’re 700 words. Sometimes they’re 1700. If all this reading is hurting your head, move along. No one’s holding a gun to your head. Although for a couple of you, it’s just a matter of time.
Q: Is everything you write true?
A: If you believe everything you read on the internet, you have bigger issues than worrying about why you can’t find John Colter Elementary on a map of Missoula (hint: if you Google John Colter, you should be able to connect the dots). I don’t usually make things up out of whole cloth, but I will admit to taking liberties here and there to make it more entertaining/cohesive/funny. And of course, anything that would get me fired.
Q: Why don’t you write about the issues?
I know that the blogosphere (a totally made-up word, like airshed) is packed with insightful perspectives on politics, culture, sports, religion, and other societal concerns. But it’s also like the world’s biggest Letters to the Editor, where there’s a shit load of bitching and moaning and very little in the way of facts to back it up.
The whole idea of blogging is narcissistic beyond belief. You don’t need any qualifications or any kind of track record in order to publish your opinions and your musings in front of a public audience. Why in the world does the average blogger think anyone on earth is interested in something cute her cat did this morning?
So you have the blogosphere (jazz hands, eyes rolling), this big ball of white noise, millions of voices shouting into cyber space about how they accidentally poured spoiled milk on their cereal, and it’s the fault of Bill Clinton’s failed global trade policies. Why should I give a rat’s ass about your political opinions, and why should you give two shits about mine? I’m here for the party.
Q: Why is your writing so crude sometimes?
A: Oh, it’s crude all the time. I just have a good editor.
Q: Don’t you hate it when people answer a question with a question?
A: Doesn’t that just drive you crazy?
Q: You’ve been accused of being racist and sexist. Any truth to that?
A: It’s my experience that assholes and morons come in all colors, and all sexes. For example, I might make the observation that a black man with his pants around his knees and his boxers up to his armpits looks dumb as hell. If that makes me a racist, then fit me for a hood, Jasper. Likewise with women. I might say that I nearly wrecked my car when I was run off the road by some cosmetologist who was sucking on a latte and trying to order some hoodia on her cell phone when she changed lanes in front of me without warning. If you make the inference that I think all women are bad drivers, you’re the one making that leap, not me.
Q: Did you even go to high school?
A: Of course I did. In fact, I graduated in the top 98% of my class.
Q: Why don’t you post your column on a regular schedule?
A: I have to wait until I have something to write about. Sometimes I don’t wait. Like today.
[Having trouble sleeping? Bookmark NewWest.net/BobWire. Just make sure you have 8 hours to devote to a full night’s sleep.]
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Comments
A: Yes Beer Tabby
Q: I said hey Beer Tabby
A: I’m right here, what’s up?
Q; I’m I losing it?
A: I hope not, cuz if you’re losing it I am losing it too.
A: Yeah, that means that I’m losing too.
A: Me too.
A: All of us.
Q: Beer Tabbys, we should talk to somebody about this.
Well you did it. Remember back when we were at the top of the charts? Those were the days. Me and worm in the bottle pendejo and Craigy, we pushed this thing all the way to number one.
But now they’re all gone.
It’s just me here now. And without me what do you have? I’ll tell you – you would have a big zero comments on your story.
Look, I don’t normally like to kick a man when he’s down but you’re going to have to pay me more or I’m taking my show somewhere else. That is unless you snap and get pissed again then I’ll stay for free just to poke at you with a stick.
I demand half of what you get for writing this on line diary.
I’ll be in touch.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
I will accept pesos.
(Because soon even they will be worth more than our dollar).
Yesterday, while watching HSN my wife starting yelling at me for no reason. She went on and on about my working too much and not spending enough time with her. Luckily, the UPS guy pulled up with more boxes from QVC and Amazon distracting her.
What should I do?
Bestest wishes,
Tabby