COFFEE RIGHTS

Children, Cafes and Community

By Nancy Mahoney, 11-11-05

The most emailed article from the New York Times two days ago was about kids in coffee shops. Apparently not everyone is so pleased to have them there, as some shop owners around the country have begun posting signs that alert parents that their kids are welcome as long as they are quiet and well-supervised. This has gotten under the skin of some mothers (and maybe fathers, but the article only quoted moms), some of whom have organized boycotts of local haunts via their playgroups.

Why was that the most emailed article of the day? I found myself wondering, even as I whisked my husband’s laptop out of his hand so I could read it myself. You see, I used to be of those childless individuals who sought out cafés to write and edit, read, to meet friends and relax. Though I was in my early 30s, my clock was far from ticking, and I rarely noticed children unless they were engaged in some annoying behavior. And then I would (smugly) surmise that a lack of good parenting was the reason for screeching, rolling on the floor, begging for candy, etc.

Now I am living in the parallel universe of parenthood. In this world, you notice pregnant women and toddlers everywhere, and your capacity to handle those “annoyances� are boundless—as long as it is not YOUR child throwing the tantrum (in fact, you actually feel something like empathy mixed with “thank goodness someone else’s child does that too�). If it is your child, it requires all one’s restraint not to a) run and hide, b) get them whatever gnarly treat will keep them quiet, or c) just break down crying to gain sympathy from onlookers. I have, on occasion, engaged in modified forms of each of these strategies.

Given these potentially hazardous conditions, why do we even venture out into cafes and restaurants with young kids? (I ask this of myself frequently…) For me, it is for the same reasons I went as a single person—the coffee and the company—I of NEED to get out of my house…to write, to read, to visit, to feel part of the community in which I live. On the practical side, I often pop in for a break if I am running errands with my kids, or want to meet a friend or business contact. If my children are acting wild, I leave as soon as is humanly possible. My guess is most parents hate being in public when children are acting up, and they go only if they are desperate for some caffeine or need a refuge from running errands and lugging groceries.

In Bozeman, we are blessed with a plethora of independent coffee shops, some of which are decidedly more child friendly than others—this has not been accomplished with condescending signage, but with the absence or presence of toys, child-friendly food or drinks, and appropriate furniture. Each of these cafes are wireless, and many are within walking distance of one another, so choosing among them often comes down to atmosphere. Mothers in Bozeman will head to the Leaf and Bean over the Home Page for just these reasons, but they often head to the Home Page when meeting without their kids.

I spoke with a friend who recently moved here from Seattle. She loves cafes, and has no children of her own. Her take on it was: “Kids happen. I go to a coffee shop to rent a table out in the world. Roaming, outside-voice-using toddlers are a part of it. If cafes and restaurants are going to discriminate, let it not be the joyful little wanderers who appear by my chair and reach for a crumb of my scone. I will gladly share. Let it be the parents who are so engrossed in their cell phone conversations and their busy lives that they aren’t tuned in to the needs of their tots. If the little monkey needs to run, the park might be a better place to drink a latte.�

I liked that response, and we should be so lucky to have most folks take that approach.

I suspect the majority of NY Times readers emailing the article were parents who were afraid of losing their café rights. So far I have not witnessed any signage or hostile encounters in Bozeman coffee shops. I hope that café frequenters—both child-free and and the child-bound—continue to find ways to mingle in public, or at least avoid aggravating one another.

Like this story? Get more! Sign up for our free newsletters.