Column: Making it in Missoula

From Metro-Sexual Portland to Not-So-Metro Missoula

By Big Sis, 12-06-06

It was a full moon last night. And we all know what happens under full moons in Missoula. That's right--people on skis or jump on sleds for a dreamy slide over sparkly snow in the 20-degree mountain air. Ah, the magic. The romance.

Well, maybe not quite so romantic for me last night, as I was with my girlfriend, Super Scribe. But as we slid (and stumbled) over the glowing white trails in the Rattlesnake, I couldn’t help but compare my full-moon activities in Missoula to those I participated in a few days ago in Portland.

It’s different in the big city. My moonlit nights in Portland involved less snow and more cultural experiences, such as visiting gay bars and listening to the convoluted sexual adventures of my friends who live there. And I was in town for a benign work-related conference.

A highlight of the trip was hanging out with one of our project partners from work, a 65-year-old grandfather who’s worked for the Idaho state government for many decades. He joined us for after-dinner beers, followed by cheering on another co-worker’s rousing rendition of “I Love Rock n’ Roll” at the drag karaoke show. We ended the night at an infamous gay male dance club, which unfortunately featured anatomically bizarre porn movies in every corner.

Portland, with the official motto “The City that Works,” is home to over twice the population of the entire Big Sky State, a whopping two million people. Like San Francisco, Portland is noted as an enclave for alternative lifestyles. For instance, my friend Ms. Jam Master—who recently moved from Missoula to Portland via Chicago (it’s totally on the way)—immediately landed a job with a “polyamorous” man, editing his book on dating advice. I don’t have enough room in the column to explain further. You’ll have to trust me that her boss is an example of the free lovin,’ swingin’ (literally) scene in Portland.

Here’s more evidence of how the Portland scene is different than Missoula’s: within 36 hours, I chatted with four different men who characterized themselves as “metro-sexual.” I don’t think I’ve run into one man in Missoula in the past five years who has voluntarily offered me this term as a self-descriptor.

As a trained journalist (ahem), I immediately did some intense research on metro-sexuality. I think www.wordskit.com sums up this term best with the following definition:

“A heterosexual man who's in touch with his feminine side; one who weeps during Sleepless In Seattle.”

Further high-quality internet research proved that far fewer men “weep during Sleepless in Seattle” in Missoula versus Portland: if you type “Metro-sexual and Portland” into Google Search, it magically comes up with 42,500 hits. If you type in “Metro-Sexual and Missoula,” Google grunts and strains to pop out only 200 hits. (FYI: “Metro-sexual and San Francisco” yields 98,400 hits.) This is strong, sound, irrefutable evidence that Missoula is behind on the metro-sexual count.

I would argue, though, that Missoula is probably the most metro-sexual spot in Montana. For instance, I've enjoyed some fabulous late-night dancing at AmVet’s Club, Missoula’s local gay bar (which I call “The Bat Cave” since you descend stone stairs into the basement club). This description on their unofficial website also reiterates the difference between the two cities:

This bar is an actual Post of the National American Veterans Organization, not the gay bar of Missoula. It has only been with the support of the Board and management that the gay community has been allowed to make this bar part of us. Therefore we strongly urge you to be respectful of these generous veterans of our Armed Forces so that we may continue to enjoy a place where we are free to be ourselves without fear of being bashed within the walls.

Interesting, isn’t it? In Montana, the American Armed Forces acts as the main host for the gay community.

The dichotomies are why I enjoy living in Missoula. I can go cross-country skiing in the moonlit wilderness one night, and shake my money-maker at AmVet’s the next. I admit to sometimes feeling that my life is a bit dull after visiting Portland, or any big city. There’s nothing like an evening of rousing karaoke amidst drag queens and feather boas to wonder if I should spice things up.

But I always breathe a sigh of relief when returning to our not-so-metro Missoula. The sign above the gate as you enter from the airport tarmac says it all: “Missoula: We Like It Here.”

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

“Everybody in Missoula has been to a party where everyone else took their clothes off, and it wasn’t necessarily sexual. Right?” –Rad Roomie

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