Good Manners, Civility, and Diplomacy

By Nick Gier, Unfiltered 5-16-08

GOOD MANNERS, CIVILITY, AND DIPLOMACY

By Nick Gier ()

In 1997 I had the privilege of attending the National Seminar on Civic Virtue, a eight-week course at Santa Clara University. In one of the assigned texts I found a chapter by Judith Martin, better known as Miss Manners. "What is she doing here among these serious philosophers?" I asked myself.

As I read her contribution, I was ashamed of my initial reaction. I was impressed by her intellectual acumen, and I was also convinced by her argument. Miss Manners is right to claim that there is a basic moral continuum from common courtesies all the way to the enforcement of international law.

Even more profound is Miss Manners' observation that, while the law is the guide for allowable behaviors within a nation, we must rely on shame as the sanction for bad manners among people as well as among nations.

But shame doesn't appear to be working as well as it did in earlier times. In societies where the development of virtue has diminished and the desire for personal freedom has flourished, human behavior tends run unbridled right up to the limits of the law.

During its founding and especially with the influx of hard working European and Asian immigrants, America once had a sufficient reservoir of personal virtue to provide internal constraints on behavior, but those moral resources have now essentially dried up.

Those who say that etiquette is a dispensable frill maintain that the modern world has far too many problems to bother with good manners. At the top of list of these issues, however, must certainly be people of faith hurling insults at each other and calling for the other's demise.

Are not simple good manners the initial answer here? What is more effective than getting together, sorting things out in a civil manner, apologizing when necessary, and shaking hands to seal the reconciliation?

When Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was invited to speak at Columbia University on September 24, 2007, its president Lee Bollinger broke the rules of etiquette when he excoriated the Iranian leader in his (un)welcoming remarks. Bollinger should not have invited him if he could not treat him with civility.

A delegation of Columbia University faculty has toured Iran, has offered an apology for Lee's behavior, and has established exchange programs with some Iranian universities.

In early March of this year five Muslim leaders and five Catholic officials sat down for talks at the Vatican about how to bridge the gaps between them, now grown wider since Pope Benedict used anti-Muslim references in a speech he gave at a Regensburg University on September 12, 2006.

Recently, in a post on a local list serve, a member of a conservative church called me a Judas and then a coward for not committing suicide as Judas did. For five years this person had regularly insulted me on this list, but this charge was really beyond the pale. His church elders demanded that he apologize for the offense and he did so graciously.

As I accepted his apology, I thought if I had insulted this church in any way. I went back through my various writings and found one sentence that I now deeply regret. I have now apologized for calling this church the "Moscow Taliban," and two elders e-mailed me and warmly accepted my apology. Notice how basic etiquette works wonders in subtle but powerful ways at both local and international levels.

The rituals of apologies and handshakes don't of course always work. After a bully beat me up in the 6th grade, the principal made us say that we were sorry and forced our hands into an awkward shake.

There were at least two things that bothered me about this attempt at reconciliation. I wondered why I had to apologize for just standing there, and then afterwards, I noted anxiously that the bully resumed his attacks on other innocent victims.

Unfortunately, the world has its share of shameless bullies, and the use of economic sanctions hurt the tyrants' citizens more than it does them. Even broadly supported military actions had limited effect on Saddam Hussein and the Taliban, and the unilateral invasion of Iraq has been an unmitigated disaster.

Diplomacy, whether personal or national, is etiquette par excellence and continues to be the best method of conflict resolution. And even though it will not succeed in every instance, it is only way that civilized countries can live in peace with their neighbors.

Just think what a personal meeting between Bush and Ahmadinejad might have achieved in October, 2007.

Nick Gier taught religion and philosophy at the University of Idaho for 31 years. Read or listen to his other columns at http://www.NickGier.com.

Like this story? Get more! Sign up for our free newsletters.