Column: Making it in Missoula

How Missoula Drove Me to Celibacy

By Little Sis, 1-09-07

Last night, Big Sis and I peeled ourselves out of our armchairs and deliberated on which invitation to watch the NCAA National Football Championship to accept. We had big plans to accept several, but were too lazy to leave our first venue.

It was the top room of the Iron Horse. It brought back memories; this was where we and most of our friends watched the NCAA National Basketball Championship almost a year ago. Things were largely the same: I was still single, Big Sis’ ex-boyfriends still hung out within ten feet of each other, and Florida was still winning. (That was a rough night for me last year.)

So, in hopes of changing something for the better—and maybe doing so means Florida will lose soon—I’ve decided that I need a new dating strategy. Or maybe just a strategy, period. This decision comes on the heels of last night and several events (below) since I’ve last written. My new strategy is: celibacy. Yep, not even kissing until it’s truly meaningful. The plan is that now I’ll avoid meaningless encounters, embarrassing run-ins, and scary pregnancy dreams.

Event #1:
I dragged my friend out on the town a couple weeks ago. I looked around the bar we were in, and remarked, half seriously, “I’ve dated half of the men in here.” The One Nighter greeted me as I walked in the door, and Carharrt Boy stood at the back entrance and waved. Drummer #2 occupied the middle gauntlet and managed to drink his beer with his head at a 90 degree angle in a determined attempt at obliviousness. Some drunk guy on his way out gave us a high five, and my friend asked, also half seriously, “Did you date him too?”

Event #2:
On New Year’s Eve, which we rang in at the Union Club to the tunes of Tom Catmull, I doled out a few chaste kisses on cheeks, and turned around to see one of my friends grab the other in an inescapable headlock and refuse to let her go for at least 45 seconds. She’d shown interest in him a few months ago, and he apparently thought this was the appropriate time to return it. Celibacy will eliminate this puzzling 3-month time gap in The Game.

Event #3:
After one particularly rowdy holiday party, I was picked up and physically carried into the Depot by my latest crush (which was pretty fun, actually – I’m not that small and men don’t usually feel like making the effort), where his friend immediately cornered me with a horrible sob story. I couldn’t find a way to politely disengage myself despite the wistful glances of my crush, and it was Sob Story Boy who chased me to my car with the less-than-enticing lament, “But you don’t even know me!” Exactly. Now, in the future, I can immediately turn off interest with a quick, preemptive, “I’m celibate!”

Event #4:
I have a sometimes lover from college days, and our last encounter was a couple months ago. He’s being deployed in March. Celibacy would have been helpful in avoiding this situation altogether. . .

I realize that this is a difficult strategy to maintain. I’ve already run into a few temptations. For example, an invitation to a hot tub party involving beer and football. Those are my weak spots. If it were my team playing instead of Ohio State and Florida, I would have been a goner. Luckily, my strong feelings against Florida blocked out any other thoughts.

Now, when an attractive man sits down next to me like last night at the Iron Horse, I can rest assured that my new strategy will protect me from complicated entanglements with his friends and drive-by makeout sessions three months later.

And hopefully, by bringing about change with this plan, Florida won’t even make it to the finals and I can watch my basketball team win the National Championship.

My first move in resisting temptation is to attend the Montana Human Rights Network’s fundraiser, where the Indigo Girls are the main attraction. I haven’t heard of one male buying a ticket yet.

So in responding to this column, you can:
A) feel free to congratulate me on my mature decision
B) place bets on how long I’ll last
C) offer a completely different strategy that’s failproof and involves sex

Quote of the week:
Snowbowl liftee: “We’re loading every other chair today.”
Me: “Why?”
Man behind me: “You don’t want to know!”

Don’t forget to enter this month’s You Made It contest to win a bottle of wine and a bouquet!

Like this story? Get more! Sign up for our free newsletters.