Networking the West with Liz Ryan

Networking in the Fly’s Web

By Liz Ryan, 2-09-07

My friend Alice isn’t job-hunting, but her good friends know that she doesn’t love her job as the Administrative Director for a not-for-profit agency. So, in a vivid example of what Alice calls Reverse Networking, the well-meant calls are pouring in.

“Alice, a guy that used to work with my mom runs a social service agency. I called him up, and he’s willing to interview you.” Oh God, thinks Alice, another obligation interview. Obligation for the poor guy who runs the agency, and obligation for her - she knows she’s not qualified for the job, having only a BA and not an MS or PhD in social work. This is how networking can obligate you—in Alice’s case, to drive 50 minutes to an interview with a guy who didn’t want to know her and wasn’t about to hire her. “If you had an MS, I’d hire you in a minute,” said the guy. “Are you close to having your MS?” Not really, said Alice, I haven’t even applied to grad school. Two person-hours were wasted, one each of his and hers.

I get breathless email messages from folks in my network, saying “Liz and X person, you really should meet!” That’s another kind of networking obligation. I love to meet people, but I’d also like to put a limit on my coffee-date-schedulability, and display a little thermometer on my website. For instance, I could announce that I can do four public-good coffee meetings per week, to help job seekers or to advise folks on their business deals. Maybe I could do six. When those six are booked, I’m done. But I haven’t found a plug-in to my website that would let me work it that way.

Networking is not supposed to be a one-sided affair, of course. When you meet people, you agree to be available to them to some degree. But what is that degree? When I lived in Chicago, I met a lady at a kids’ birthday party and she suggested that we get together for coffee. So we had a great coffee date. She wanted to do PR for my company, but PR at the time was not in my bailiwick at all. When we stood up from the table in the coffee shop, she asked “When should we get together again?” I didn’t know how to answer. I didn’t want to parrot the famous New Yorker cartoon where the guy is on the phone saying “How about never - does never work for you?” But that’s how I felt. Look, you pitched me on your services, I didn’t bite, what do you want from me? Do you want to be friends? I couldn’t see the let’s-be-friends piece in that first coffee date, which was all about business. What’s our agenda for the next cup of coffee?

I believe in giving and not waiting for reciprocity. I don’t worry about that - I’m Boulder-y enough to believe in the wheel of karma. But I think there’s a better way to deal with networking obligation than to grin and bear ‘em. Let’s revisit the three situations I’ve already mentioned, and see how they might have been handled differently (and better).

In Alice’s case, a job-seeker can beg out of a job interview without offending the helpful networker who set her up with it. But it takes a little extra time and care. She can write to the Executive Director at the agency and say “My friend Dave mentioned that you would be willing to interview me, and I’m hugely grateful for that. However, my understanding is that your agency requires Master’s Degrees for its employees, and I have a B.A. I am very appreciative of your kind offer, and hope that I can help you in the future.” Next, she’d write to her friend Dave and say “You are so sweet to expend energy and social capital snagging that interview for me! Unfortunately, I can’t in good conscience waste the fellow’s time, since I don’t have the qualifications his agency requires. If you want, sometime I can fill you in on the kinds of jobs that would be a good fit for me. But I’m very grateful for your help, and I’d love to reciprocate however I can.”

In the case of the breathless email messages suggesting meetings with friends-of-friends of your networking contacts, you can likewise shortcut the string of obligations without ticking anyone off. You can write back (in a Reply all message to your friend and the proposed new coffee-mate) and say “Wow, I’m delighted to meet you virtually, Jane, and thanks Raymond for the introduction. I’d love to know a little bit more about what led you to me - what you’re up to or what about me made you think we should meet - so I’ll be better informed when we get together. My schedule is really tight in February, but will be much better in mid-March. If a phone call between now and then would work for you, that would be great too.”

This way, you’re not jumping into a coffee date out of pure obligation and you’re not blowing anyone off either. Lots of times, the would-be coffee date loses interest or finds another way to solve his or her immediate problem (finding a job, e.g.) and you’ll never hear from him or her again. Of course, you have to stand behind your offer to have coffee a month out, once it’s made. And you have to make sure your actual friend doesn’t feel that his or her introduction was dismissed. If you do those things well (it’s all about communication) you’re in good shape, and not done in by sticky fibers in your networking spider’s web.

The last situation - the lady I met at the kids’ birthday party - is the trickiest. You simply can’t say in a polite way “I don’t know what else you and I have to talk about.” But you can give the person a bar to reach, if they want to be your new friend and networking contact. For instance, you can say “I so enjoyed our coffee, Arthur, and I’d love to learn more about your new business [or job search, or funding requirements, or whatever]. Why don’t you send me an email followup with that information in it?” You absolutely, positively don’t have to commit to a followup coffee on the spot, or ever.

When you get the follow-up email message, you’ll respond to it via email. That makes all the sense in the world. If your prospective new best friend wants to get together in person, you can say “Help me understand our agenda—is it brainstorming on the business plan, or something else?” It is not inappropriate to pin a person down. Some folks just love to talk and love to have friends. That is absolutely great, but your time has value too. In the best case, when you make a lunch or coffee invitation, the recipient of the invitation says “I’ve been dying to see you, and meaning to call!” I mean, would you want someone to have coffee with you out of obligation? Yuck.

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