Networking the West with Liz Ryan

Networking, Need and Obligation

By Liz Ryan, 2-11-08

I belong to a bunch of email discussion groups. On one of those groups, last week, a question was posed: “Is it okay, as a networker, to reach out to people you don’t know and ask them for help?”

I was thinking about composing a reply. I would have replied “Yes, it is fine to do that, as long as you are respectful of that person’s time, thank him or her in advance for any help that he or she can offer, and let him or her know why you have chosen to write - in other words, not ‘I found your email online and figured, Any Port in a Storm’ but ‘I loved what you said in that blog post about Second Life, and respect your knowledge of virtual words and community.’” Anyway, that’s what I planned to write. But I didn’t do it, because the very next day, the email group was bombarded with replies to the can-you-ask-for-help query.

“Of course you can write to people asking for help! That’s what networking is for! If we are in need of a job or business leads, people should help us. After all, we’re the needy ones!”

No mention of reciprocity. No mention of “If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know.”

My daughter used a term when she was in middle school: WRAM. It stands for World Revolves Around Me. The WRAM networking community believes that if a networker is in need, the world is obligated to respond. No need for thanks in advance, thanks after the fact, or those dusty phrases “please” and “thank you.”

The multiple posts on the email group from the WRAM networkers’ perspective helped me understand why so much of the mail in my in-box reads the same. I write workplace-advice columns, and so lots of my mail starts out without preamble:

“I am a forty-two-year-old mechanical engineer with experience in X, Y and Z. My resume is enclosed - looking forward to your comments.”

Often, the next day’s mail includes a message with the subject line “Second Request.” Often, the contents of that message are “Please respond, this is a second request.”

It is easy to become self-absorbed when you’re out of work or looking for business leads. It is easy to forget that every single person on Earth can use help of one kind or another. But our need doesn’t obligate anyone to jump to our aid. Please and Thank You and If You Have Time, I’d Be Very Grateful haven’t been outlawed. People who say ‘networking doesn’t work’ may be falling victim to the idea that networking is all about me, my need, and your ability to help me (within the next ten minutes would be especially great).

Now, having a network brings responsibilities with it. Each week, I spend somewhere between two and ten hours responding to the needs of people I know. I’m happy to do it. That help could include an introduction, a bit of advice or a resume overhaul. Everyone I know spends time the same way, without thinking twice about it. We help our buddies and they help us - that’s way older than LinkedIn or Facebook or the internet or even the concept of networking.

The obligation is accepted. What hits a bit more harshly is the notion that by writing or speaking or blogging publicly, we’ve issued an invitation for the rest of the world to claim ownership of our time, attention and even trusted contacts. It doesn’t work that way. When I go through my daily mail, I use a form of triage that ranks the messages by the writer’s concern for my time. “If you had a moment” ranks above “need advice.” “Thanks in advance” trumps “Job-hunting in Seattle.” I’m not an advice-snob, but I am a human being. There’s a pragmatic argument to be made, as well: the person who lacks basic courtesy is less likely to make good use of any advice I offer. So, from a utilitarian (greatest good for the greatest number of people, limited time available) standpoint, my help is going to the most appropriate requester with the lowest WRAM score.

Second requests go in the trash bin.

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