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Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

Thousands killed in Japanese earthquake and tsunami. Hundreds of bodies wash up on shore as water recedes. Hundreds more trapped in earthquake rubble and tsunami debris, entire cities destroyed, a nation in shock. Yeah, but HOW’S THE STOCK MARKET?

Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

“Well,” said my doctor, removing the blood pressure cuff. “You’ve got hypertension. Could lead to heart disease.” Then he uttered The Sentence, the one all males dread their entire lives, the one that we invariably ignore until it comes from a Doctor, someone with the exact combination of knowledge, authority and objectivity that leaves no doubt: “You need to make some changes in your lifestyle.”

I gulped. My depth of field suddenly grew shorter, just like in the movies. Somewhere a string section began playing ominous music in a minor key.

Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

Lord deliver me from the Disney Channel. And iCarly. And SpongeBob. Of the last seven school days, I have had a sick child home for five of them. First Speaker, and now Rusty. Not much I can do but make them comfortable, push the juice, and keep those instant mashed potatoes comin’.

These are the times when a parent (well, a parent as shallow as me) uses the TV as a handy hypnotist. When that TV’s on and the kids are watching, Barb and I could be having sex openly on the living room floor and the kids would not even notice. (Note to self: vacuum living room today.)

Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

I am either the worst tour guide ever, or the best tour guide ever. Depends on who you ask, and how much they know. If you’re one of the seventh-graders I led on a winding path through the sprawling campus of the University of Montana last week, you probably just feel sorry for me.

Lucky for me one of my favorite things is messing with seventh-graders. I never attended the University of Montana, and my knowledge of its history, its features, and its very geography is next to zilch. Still, I’d volunteered to give this group of ten middle school brainiacs a brief tour after their grueling morning of math competition tests in the University Center ballroom.

Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

Back in November, when Montana Republicans swept the House on a wave of Tea Party anger and frustration with the lack of swift improvement under a Democratic majority, the GOP used the faltering economy as a platform to launch them to power.

But now that the session is well underway, the Republicans members of the House are acting like contestants in a radio contest who’ve won a five-minute shopping spree at a Safeway. They’re running up and down the aisles, filling their carts with frivolous, morality-based bills, working furiously to get the most bang for their buck during their short, two-year stint in office. Their promises to provide jobs and revive the economy seem long forgotten.

Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

I like to consider myself a bargain hunter; to others, I’m just a cheap bastard. In the summer I’m a yard sale junkie. The rest of the year I haunt the area thrift shops, and the “To Give Away” section of the classifieds is frequently the first thing I read in the newspaper. So to be able to shop for used, unwanted, heavily discounted or slightly busted junk from the comfort of my second-hand computer chair is completely irresistible.

Of course I’m talking about craigslist, and I’m hopelessly addicted. Half the categories listed in the Missoula craigslist main page on my computer are highlight colored, as I click several categories daily, just to see what’s out there. Even if I’m not looking for anything specific, I wander through craigslist like it’s the local Goodwill, just looking for bargains or things I wasn’t aware I couldn’t live without.

Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

There will be trash talking, heads butting, spittle and blood flying through the air, and the meaty thump of huge bodies colliding with savage force on Sunday. And that’s just me making guacamole.

Yes, Barb and I are having a Super Bowl get-together, like we do every year. If one of our teams, the Patriots or Dolphins, is actually in the game, then the get-together becomes a party. Now, as the big game approaches, I’m concentrating on a few issues surrounding the whole shebang, and being a shirttail member of the mass media, I’m compelled to share them with you.

Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

Here comes the introduction: “Mr. Speaker, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Is it in the Constitution that all female Congress members have to wear a scarlet dress?

Obama shook hands with Boehner, Boehner broke down crying. Not really.

Democrats and Republicans mixing it up, sitting on both sides of the aisle. Sheep, running with the wolves! Cats and dogs, living together! It’s madness!

Obama introduces Boehner. Boehner gets standing ovation, is required to act surprised.

Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

It’s been two years since that unforgettable Inauguration Day, when hundreds of thousands of people froze their giblets off in D.C. to witness Barack Obama take the oath of office. Yo-Yo Ma wailed on the cello, Jesse Jackson wept tears of joy, and Aretha Franklin wore a hat made from the tarp that covers the Washington Nationals infield during rain delays.

Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

I don’t blame Britney. She has a lot of mouths to feed. We all saw what happened when she took charge of her own career. She split from rap, uh, legend K-Fed in late 2007, started flashing her lady bits to paparazzi, then checked into Eric Clapton’s rehab center in Antigua, only to check out 24 hours later. From there it was on to a hair salon in Tarzana, California, where she shaved her head bald. Then it was straight to a tattoo parlor in Sherman Oaks for some new ink. But now this, this takes the cake.

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