Column: Making it In Missoula
The Big Mystery
By Little Sis, 9-11-06
This is the opposite end of the spectrum from Big Sis’ Befriending the Ex. Some people think we’re the same person. My favorite comment: “Are you guys twins?” “No.” “Are you sure?” Anyway, let me set it up for you this week.Enter: Drummer #2.
The stage: the Kettlehouse (K-hole to regulars).
What’s with all the drummers, you’re thinking? I have no idea. They’re just sexy men who turn out to play drums on the side.
I’d seen Drummer #2’s band play earlier that week at the Other Side. I loved their music; they got the crowd going and I love dancing. So, armed with a growler (which, for those of you who don’t know, is the best invention possible for transporting four pints of beer since Missoula stopped recycling glass), I introduced myself, we talked, and I smoothly made my exit. We kept running into each other (not that remarkable in this town) and we finally started “dating.” Not traditionally, though—if anyone still does traditional in the beginning—our first date was to Taco del Sol. He didn’t even pay for my burrito, but at the time I didn’t care. He was so damn sexy and fun I would have bought him a burrito.
We dated for almost a month, and he showed unabashed interest. He didn’t even care about playing by the rules; you know, the designated time before calling, who calls, where you go, when you meet each others’ friends. He just made sure I knew he was into me. And he shared my passion for college basketball, which was key since my team was laying waste to everyone in their path. When your crush calls to congratulate you on your team’s win, it’s safe to think he’s interested. Especially when they mauled his team.
And then he stayed over one night, and there the mystery begins. The logical progression in relationships is that when you’re sure the other person is emotionally invested, you most likely sleep together. Or so I thought (and most of the rest of the modern world, but apparently we’re all wrong).
He didn’t call, or return my calls. Silence and confusion (on my part) were in abundance. When I ran into him later that week, he used that ominous and purposely vague cliche, “We need to talk.” Um, yeah, you think? But that was the full extent of his communication efforts. As if he hadn’t made the situation awkward enough, he would pretend he didn’t see me anytime we were in the same 50-foot radius. Everyone knows about that pretense: you act like you’re in an engrossing conversation with whoever happens to be next to you (even if you’ve never seen them in your life) in an effort to appear busy, and then you “casually” vacate the area with your eyes focused straight ahead in determined tunnel vision.
So this apparently was Drummer #2’s smooth strategy for dealing with women: call frequently, make plans, share her interests, meet her friends, and then sleep with her. Don’t speak to her again.
This is a new strategy for me.
It was highly puzzling. It resembled drunken-mistake-in-college behavior. I didn’t see it coming at all, and I’m usually pretty good at spotting the jerks (even though sometimes I still go for them anyway). I discussed the situation with girlfriends, and we came up with a few ideas. Possibilities to explain his behavior are that Drummer #2 is:
A. stupid
B. intimidated by a beautiful, intelligent woman
C. actually 12
D. occasionally afflicted with amnesia
I’m going with either B or D, just to give him the benefit of the doubt. But A does deserve a little thought: we live in Missoula, therefore we see each other everywhere, and therefore the awkward encounters are frequent and increasingly ridiculous; he should have thought of this. In fact, when he voluntarily said hello in passing for the first time the other night, mainly because he was startled into it, I burst out laughing (right after I calmly responded).
The mysteriousness of the whole thing is what makes it remarkable. If anyone has any theories of their own, feel free to share them.
Despite my bad luck with local musicians, I still have a passion for local music. I saw a few varieties over the weekend, with their fan base in attendance. Tom Catmull’s CD release party was packed with all kinds of people, but the prevalence was cowboy boots, professional environmentalists and activists (which is most of town), and the adoring grad student population. Miller Creek grooved to a crowd who looked like they came straight from the Hemp Fest: dreadlocks, linen, and interesting dance moves were in abundance, and I’ve never seen the Top Hat so rockin’. Thurniture played to that phenomenon of people you’ve never seen before who seem to gather at The Loft, interspersed with other appreciative musicians and the band’s devoted following.
I’m restraining myself from being attracted to any of those drummers.
This week’s question:
Who is your favorite local band? Or local musician you have a secret crush on and so attend all of their shows? Come on, we all have one.
[End of article]
Did you sleep with this drummer or not? It was unclear in your article. I assume you did not from this:
"And then he stayed over one night, and there the mystery begins. The logical progression in relationships is that when you’re sure the other person is emotionally invested, you most likely sleep together. Or so I thought (and most of the rest of the modern world, but apparently we’re all wrong)."
and that makes this vexxing rather than just a standard one night stand? Yes? No?
Later you write:
"So this apparently was Drummer #2’s smooth strategy for dealing with women: call frequently, make plans, share her interests, meet her friends, and then sleep with her. Don’t speak to her again.
Did you mean "not" sleep with you?
I might have some questions and suggestins but I want to clarify this point first.
Yep, we slept together. And this was not a "standard one-night stand"; that's where the confusion emanates. Please refer to my last column for a distinction of the two scenarios.
Suggest away.
The cold shoulder is hard on the ego, I know. Who knows the real reason? Probably something you never even would have thought of. The guy seems to be embarassed and tentative and doesn't seem to match up with you anyway. I liked the music reviews. I only got to see one of those bands, but I wish i'd seen them all.
Comment By D, 9-13-06As for that night, there are many possible explanations.
Maybe he had a girlfriend or didnt want a relationship. Or didnt know if he did and wasnt ready with what to say the morning after.
The young man may have not found the right way, the right moment "to make his move". Not everyone is a confident, smooth operator in the clutch. He might be embrassed about that. Or maybe he might have thought he didnt get a clear enough signal you wanted sex. Even though staying over is usually a big clue, it isnt always 100%.
Did you try to set the mood for a move in your place? Change into something sexy, etc.? Maybe he isn't a make a move guy, maybe he is a gotta jump his bones guy. Some musicians are shy. Drummers in particular may not be so verbal.
Perhaps he didnt a condom, or didnt want to ask if you did, or had STDs or was cautious about them and afraid to ask.
Perhaps he grew too accustomed to you as a buddy. Drummers seem to like to hang out. When you were with him were you always "buddy" or did you flirt your sex appeal?
Is he younger than you? Really still a boy or a man yet?
If you want a man, you may need to concentrate of picking a man.
The jerk conclusion can not be rejected entirely. Perhaps he gets some satisfaction leading girls on and then dumping them. Perhaps to get back at women who may have done this to him.
Many possibilities. You should check the woman's network for clues about his past if you can.
It could be that this situation may be too old to fix now. You talk of basketball season, it is well past the last one. But maybe you could try again. It is almost basketball season again, a possible way to re-connect.
The question is do you want to try again? Why? Because you really want him? As a relationship partner, sex partner or buddy? Do you want him or really just an answer about last time? If it is not strong for spending more time together, forget about it.
But if you want to try, go ahead. Find a comfortable way to ask him if he wants to do things again. In person, or by phone, letter or e-mail. Be a strong woman, but be sensitive if he is unable or unwilling. "We need to talk" usually means I dont want to go down that path but it is vague and could be many things.
I dont know if you wrote about relationships when you were seeing him but you might face some issue with this. Most guys don't like a woman to talk about their relationship with anyone, though I am under the impression it happens a lot and in more detail than guys know or what to know. If you pick up concerns about this, you may have a choice to make, or you may have to reassure that a relationship is indeed private.
Good luck.
Sorry for my confusion, I misread.
Maybe the first half of the last post might apply to another situation of a guy ddrifting away without sex.
But in your case most likely it was a one night ending. Different from a one night stand but not really that much. A guy who liked hanging with you but was also on a mission to get laid and was seeking experiences and not a relationship.Maybe he didnt feel you were sexually compatible or how knows. Impossible for anyone to read his mind if he wont talk. Not all endings have all questions answered. Probably just decide on your own ending and move on.
Seems as though your ills stem from your hobbies of boozing and sex. Perhaps you should get out and see what else Missoula has to offer--fishing, hunting, hiking...Or maybe you could take a journalism class from the U.
Comment By Little Sis, 9-14-06Maria and D, thanks for the thoughtful theories.
James, please read more carefully. This piece reveals my passions for college sports and good music. I'd suggest a critical reading class.
For all the heat writers get for various reasons, careful reading is indeed also important. I flubbed it here, should have read more carefully or doublechecked closer before responding. Sometimes having multiple windows open and multi-tasking, the material don't register clearly. Thanks for going lightly on me Little Sis but I will try to do better.
Missoula has interesting outdoor and in town options. We will probably hear some of both, like we did with her bike repair story. Seems like Little Sis has varied interests and every one can define their own mix. From the stories so far, I get a good vibe.
The acknowledgement of this insane Missoula culture of running into each other makes me wish we could conduct surveys at random, such as, while standing in the Old Post,the Good Food Store, or some other popular spot, ask all of the people there to point to ex lovers and similarly awkward characters in thier lives. Ask them to point to old neighbors, bosses, etc. People they owe money to. People they know dirt on. Just to see what happens. And what IS it with that crowd of people nobody knows? And they all know each other! I thought I was the only one that noticed those people.
Comment By Little Sis, 9-15-06That's a great idea--maybe it will appear as one of our next column subjects. . .
Comment By Q. Random, 9-27-06It's always the drummer. Why do chicks always go for the drummer?
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