Guest Column: Making it in Missoula
Of Hangups and Hangovers in Missoula
By Big Sis, 2-25-07
The morning after the Old Post’s re-grand opening, I woke to a quickly solidifying headache and a strong desire for some coffee and hash browns. As I was deciding if I was really ready get out of bed yet, I heard these words:
“Do you know where my shirt is?”
Not an unreasonable question. Except that for the past six months or so I’ve been chronically single, and so hearing anything in the morning other than NPR was slightly disquieting.
I rolled over to find Pajaro sitting up in bed, scanning the room for her clothes. The light was still dim, so I pretended to go back to sleep while I tried to figure out how such an attractive woman ended up in my rather shabby bed.
It was probably the Cuervo Gold margarita that started it. And the multiple rounds of double-gin and tonics. Followed by more double-Jack-and-gingers. Toss in a little bluegrass and some serious jonesin’ and it wasn’t hard to see a clear arc in a very blurry evening. But now what?
“Breakfast?” I suggested from deep in my pillow.
The coffee was hot and the hash extra greasy, putting down a nice insulating layer on my stomach. Things seemed fairly copasetic as we waited for our food. Talk tended toward the banal; things like the crappy weather and whether the guy sitting across the way kind of looked like a fat John Cusack. The food showed up about the time we ran out of stuff to B.S. about and then, quickly it seemed, we were outside. A hug, vague mentions of catching up later and we were on our separate ways.
Now, I know this isn’t an event one usually shares with a widespread and anonymous readership, but stick with me. Though the one-night stand is a fairly common occurrence, and I’ve been on the other side of the Morning After table listening to friends recount their own foggy exploits, this was my first go-around, as it were.
During a day built around eating a lot of toast and watching Law and Order reruns, I didn’t feel the somewhat sullied freedom most people I’d talked to about one-night stands express. I had a much different reaction, and when I figured out what it was, I kind of freaked out. I wanted to see Pajaro again. I, on some weird gut level, expected more out of it than just the one night.
This was not good. What I’d gleaned through vicarious experience was that this is how these things go; it happens, end of story. I knew I was supposed to be grateful for the lack of expectation. Except I wasn’t. I harbored a sense of connection, the implicit sense we’d shared something “special” and that it could manifest as something more. Not only did I feel it, I sort of wanted it. And so I became slightly, um, concerned with how things were being perceived on the other end of this thing. Maybe I wasn’t alone in this.
Torn between addressing my feelings immediately and giving it some air to see how sincere they were, I slept on it for the rest of the long weekend. Good call. By President’s Day things had subsided a bit and I realized maybe it wasn’t the true love I’d envisioned. Still, I had some residual feelings that were making it difficult to move on. I needed a solid answer.
God bless text messaging. With some crafty wording and careful feints at various angles, I got the skinny. Probably not as definitive as if I’d actually grown a pair and called, but whatever. Even still, when I got the answer I expected--and was kind of hoping for—I wasn’t entirely satisfied.
There was still a part of me that felt bruised by the fact that it was just “one of those things.” I didn’t really want to accept that Pajaro and I weren’t nothin’ but mammals, doin’ it like they do on the Discovery Channel. After six months alone I had latched pretty tightly onto this human connection, sexual and otherwise, and was having a hard time giving it up.
“Does that make me a sucker?” I asked my friend Don Julio over beers this week. “You know, that I was hoping for some kind of relationship?”
“Nah, it just makes you naïve,” Don Julio said. “And maybe a little bit femme.”
“But that’s cool,” he added, draining his glass. “Chicks dig that.”
BEEFCAKE’S QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
(At The Union Club)
Girl: Yeah, I had sex with my first black man on Valentine’s Day.
Guy: Oh.
(Awkward silence)
Girl: Do you ever watch basketball?
If you, too, have a story you’re burning to tell about Making It In Missoula, email bigsis@newwest.net or littlesis@newwest.net to learn more about writing a guest column. And don’t forget to turn in your Valentine’s stories by Tuesday, February 27th, for a chance to win a bouquet and a bottle of wine with the “You Made It” contest!
[End of article]Thanks, Beefcake.
Great story, and a nice counter-point to last week's column "The Sexual Double-Standard."
By the way--chicks do dig it. Or at least (avoiding those sticky stereotypes) this one does.
-BS
p.s. Hey readers: I'm back from Mexico, well-rested, well-sunned and psyched to be a Missoulian again. Life is good.
Thanks for the perspective on the other side, Beefcake! Gin and tonics can be deadly all around. . .
Comment By B.W., 2-27-07Thanks for the comments; I appreciate the sentiment. Now if only I can find somebody of like mind...
Comment By Colin Hickey, 2-27-07I just wanted to say that I'm not Beefcake Wellington. Some people thought I wrote this. I am mad that I didn't think of the nickname Beefcake Wellington first because it's really damn funny. As for your one night stand BW I've been there and it's a tricky rock to climb. It's hard to know how you feel after one of "those" nights. You are always going to feel something for someone whom you shared such a intimate experience with but that doesn't always lead to further meetings. Next time you see this lady out on the town you definitely have a conversation starter if you need one.
Comment By bella, 2-27-07I like these guest columns! Don't get me wrong. I love the sistas, but its refreshing to hear the guy's perspective.
So, B.W., I take it she just wasn't looking for anything more and you were. Well, then the tables are turned in that case. Often , I feel like the woman wants a realtionship and the guy just wants to play. But thats the old streotype. I guess after an encounter like that it leaves you wondering if they are not into a realtionship right now OR are they just not that into you.
As someone who has been single more than in a realtionship, these things are a mystery to me. So, its nice to hear that you were "latched pretty tightly onto this human connection, sexual and otherwise, and was having a hard time giving it up."
Suerte.
I have plenty of overtly juvenile and immature things to say, but I still don't have anything that isn't at least snide or adolescent.
Your killing me here, Sisters.
Pendejo--
I'm anxiously awaiting your witty and derogative guest column, full of juvenile and immature things, snide or otherwise. When's it coming out?
Seriously--write one.
With bated breath,
-BS
Sister Major:
It's at the editors now. However, I had to look up "derogatory," so I may not be qualified.
Also, I'd never have taken her to breakfast.
Pendejo and BS:
I'm new to the party aroud here, but it sounds as if you two have a bit of a feud going. It also sounds like your challenge has been taken to heart, BS; I just hope it passes muster.
Personally, I can't wait to gain your relationship insight, Pendejo. I'm sure it's the silver bullet I've been waiting for. Nice handle, by the way.
oh yeah, forgot to mention about the breakfast thing. One night stands don't usually include breakfast. Especially not breakfast out in a restaurant, as someone might see you two together and then rumors would be flying. So to begin with, the fact that you even took her to breakfast implies that your not a one night stand kind of guy. Hence, your attachment. But these are good things. Often when a woman sleeps with a man on a first date/night out its because she really likes the guy and is having a good time with him and wanted to nail him to the bed. And would usually like a call the next day or two (yes thats your job, guys) and do it all over again.
The fact that you waited three or so days to contact her, then did it via text message sends an unspoken message to a woman.....that you're not really interested and are maybe just calling becuase you felt you had to after you had slept together. Yes, we women are the masters of deciphering the most trivial things that most guys don't think about such as did he call after 2 days or 3. Did he call or text? What was the tone of his voice? What words did he use? Whereas with a guy ( I imagine) the bottom line is the simple fact that he's calling/texting is enough of a clue to the girl that he's interested.
So, if you really were interested in pursuing that connection with her, then call within a day or two after the "encounter". Let the girl know you had a good time and would like to make plans to do something soon. Cuz when you texted her on day 3 or 4 he was probably pissed you hadn't gotten in touch sooner, and that you could not even pick up the phone and resorted to texting, so she was cold and distant to you which lead you to believe she was not interested (when she likely was!) and in the end you were both interested and had a good time together, and its gonna go nowhere since there was a communication breakdown.
Well, maybe you'll see her around town after a bit of time had passed and you'll get another chance to do it right.
bella:
I appreciate the heads up, but I guess I wasn't very clear in the post on a crucial point: she was never interested in anything more than the one-night and said as much from the get go.
The reason I needed more clarification--i.e., text messages--was because I had sort of psyched myself up that there might be a shot at something more; I was grasping at non-existent straws. Six months of being single can do that to you.
Also, this breakfast thing seems to have violated the one-night stand code or something. Let me be frank: I was hungry and she paid for herself, so I figure my shoddy honor is still in tact.
Damn, I just wanted some hash browns.
-B.W.
GASP!!!!!
She paid for herself ??????
Here's your relationship insight: You blew it with breakfast, dude. You should have stayed in bed and tore off another piece. If she refused, you don't want her anyway.
Did you at least ask her if she wanted to shower before she left? Show a little class.
Sister Major: My editor has run out of red pens.
Man.
When questions about my level of class are based on if I did, or did not, offer my one-night stand the option to shower in the morning, we've spent too much time on this.
To say nothing of "tearing another piece off."
I knew it. You didn't do either one.
Live and learn, grasshopper.
Just to throw something else into the mix....
If u do the deed right, you can bump the one night stand up to booty call status and have nsa sex whenever you desire.
How's that for flipping the double standard on its head?
Pendejo:
You're right. I can't hide anything from you.
Sisters:
Turns out there's a thin line between rational dialogue and the instinctive urge to defend yourself. Cheers for fighting the good fight. It's harder than I would've thought.
BW:
Don't be so hard on yourself. You done good out there, probably as good as can be expected with what you were given. You already said you greased up the dangle with a chick out of your league. You should be proud of yourself, and, for what it's worth, I'm proud of you. Now pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in there tiger.
Keep up the good work, homeboy.
BW:
Rational dialogue might be a myth, especially in regards to faceless virtual discussions of sexual behavior. But, you're right--it's hard not to defend yourself. So, feel free to do so.
However, I don't think you've done anything that needs defending. Greasy food after heavy drinking and hazy sex is a must-have, together or solo. I think eating hash browns outweigh most other activity choices, especially showering.
Pendejo:
I think I can scare up a red pen, and I'm a dandy editor. Try me.
-BS