Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)
Some Suggestions For Your Economic Stimulus Check
By Bob Wire, 4-29-08
You may have already received your big fat windfall from Uncle Sugar. If you’re one of the lucky ones who has at least two kids and a spouse, you might even have hit the jackpot limit of $1800. I love receiving money for nothing as much as the next deadbeat, but where is all this cabbage coming from? How is it that the federal government is handing out money and giving tax breaks to big business during a WAR, for crying out loud? Not only are they failing to ask their countrymen to make sacrifices for the war effort, they’re giving us billions of dollars they don’t have in some crack-brained attempt to juice up the economy they’ve run into the ground.
It’s like giving a hard-core alcoholic a bag of cocaine to keep his mind off his smack habit.
Let me tell you a little story: I was once like George Bush (Gasp! Baby fart!). That’s right—socially liberal, but fiscally a dumb ass. In the early days of my college career, the Shell Oil Company thought it would be a good idea to offer me a credit card. I didn’t even own a car, but the local Shell station sold Coors, Boone’s Farm and beef jerky. Giddyup, I said.
Within a year I found myself thousands of dollars in debt, but occasionally made some quick cash off my college buddies by using my card to fill up their cars, in return for some folding money. Every sales receipt I had to sign for beer was attributed to “six pack of do-it fluid ” or “one case of obnoxicant” or some such dodge. They eventually took away my card and wound up settling the account for a fraction of what I owed.
In 2005 Shell barely was able to earn 35 billion dollars in profits, so I hope they’ve learned a valuable lesson about extending credit to young men with morally casual attitudes, no sense of responsibility, and a preternatural thirst for beer.
Which brings us back to President George “I Still Have Checks Left So I Must Still Have Some Money” Bush. Now, as he digs a deeper and deeper crypt of debt for our children and their grandchildren to pay back with their game show winnings, we as a nation have let him get away with it. Our hard-won, Democrat-controlled Congress has been more disappointing than a brassiere on a cold day. Instead of showing some backbone and standing up to this schoolyard bully of an administration like we elected them to do, they collapsed like a hooker with TB, voting to continue to fund the immoral and devastating oil grab in Iraq, thus ensuring a national debt we’ll surely never overcome. I hope you’ve brushed up on your Middle Eastern dialects, because Saudi Arabia owns your ass. Thanks, Congress. Thanks a lot. Go sit on the Washington Monument.
But, when you come down to it, $1800 is $1800. So I’ve compiled a list of suggestions about how to stimulate our economy (and yourselves in the process).
1. Pay off your student loans.
Well, I guess you could do this, but it would be cheaper to just move, and let them spend another six years tracking you down. By then the entire economic system will have collapsed, and will have been recreated by a combination of Fox News, the United Arab Emirates, Hugo Chavez, and possibly Oprah Winfrey. Your student loans will have been sold to homeless bill collectors.
2. Invest it all in Apple Corp.
Hey, I’m telling you, when Steve Jobs announces next year’s ground-breaking Apple device, this stock is going through the ROOF! At this year’s Macworld Expo in San Francisco, Jobs was cagey: “I can’t tell you much about the next revolutionary machine from Apple, but it will make it possible for you see through walls.” Hmm. I’m thinking, windows? How ironic.
3. Buy a hand-held Taser.
Then move through the crowd at the Wilco concert, shocking people into realizing how overrated that band is.
4. Buy 4,186 postage stamps.
Then mail a small paper bag of poop to Dick Cheney every day for the rest of his life. You’ll probably have enough stamps left over to cover your Christmas card list for a few years.
5. Hire an airplane to pull a banner.
Have a sixty-foot long banner made up that says “Legalize Cockfighting.” Ride in the plane and have the pilot circle over Rock Creek Lodge during the Testicle Festival for two hours, then bail out using a parachute sewn entirely of discarded bull scrotums. I guarantee you’ll be the talk of the town.
6. Buy 2,022 tacos at Taco Bell.
But for god’s sake, please don’t use the drive-through.
7. At last, you can make a down payment on your first home.
Yeah. If you have a time machine. Because you’ll have to go back to 1972.
8. How about a round for the house at the Union Club during a Bob Wire show!
Let’s see: 71 pints of Mirror Pond Pale Ale, 14 bottles of Corona, 28 shots of Cuervo, 11 shots of Jaegermeister, one cup of coffee, three scotch & sodas, 19 Tanqueray & Tonics, and a Diet Pepsi. Okay, that covers the band. Who else needs a drink?
9. Buy a copy of Grand Theft Auto IV for your XBox.
It’s out today! Yay! Now I get to pretend I’m a badass thug and shoot people and steal their shit! Congratulations. Now take the rest of the money, some $1740, and see if you can go get yourself a life. Loser.
10. Buy every album B.B. King has every recorded.
You know what? You don’t have enough money. Better just stick with the box set.
11. Pick up an 8,000-foot long, ¾” drill bit.
Hopefully you can get one cheap at Ace Hardware. Make sure it’s American made. You’ll feel better about what you’re going to do next. Attach it to a good drill, and bore a hole clear through the earth, all the way to China. Then take what’s left of your Economic Stimulus money, roll it into a small tube, and shove it down the hole to China because no matter what you spend it on, chances are that’s where it was made and that’s where the money is going to end up.
[Bookmark it or don’t. I don’t give a shit.]
http://www.top-blogs.com/cgi-bin/rankem.cgi?id=ednor59
A Fine Return to Form *** ½
You got $1800 what do you get? Well according to Wire you got yourself a license to get drunk and electrocute people at the Wilco concert.
After months of tedious and angry posts, recluse blogster Wire’s latest proves that he ain’t done yet, offering up a yet another hilarious Lubriderm fueled orgy of shut in pop culture.
Writing as if he had a special net for capturing time, Wire speaks of today like it was yesterday reminding us all not to exceed the recommended dosage and of just how important it is to wash your hands after using the restroom to avoid spreading the Stigmata virus.
A wife and two kids gets me $1800? Do I have to "currently" have this wife and two kids? Can I be grandfathered in? I need more information, cause I want me one of them Wilco Tasers.
Comment By Ben Miller, 4-29-08First time commenter, long time reader:
Glad I'm not the only one who thinks Wilco is overrated. Not bad. Just incredibly, incredibly overrated.
Ben, thanks for chiming in. I, too, am a fan of the band's music. But the way some people treat them, you'd think they were the second coming of the Beatles. I enjoyed their debut album, even bought 'Being There.' But 'Summerteeth' left me cold.
I actually prefer the other Tupelo progeny, Son Volt. 'Trace' is one of the finest rock albums of the last 20 years.
Thanks for reading.
Wilco, shmilco. Ryan Bingham is where it's at for me, these days.
Comment By Clarence Worly, 4-30-08All sound suggestions-
We should all, as American citizens, thank the Lord in Heaven (the one who loves Jesus) for the Bush administration’s wisdom and guidance these past 8 years.
Using the same sound reasoning the perpetrators of the economic stimulus package must have used to come up with such a fiscally brilliant idea, I have decided to stimulate the economy with the purchase of 1000 scratch tickets from the Idaho lottery.
And since I am a hard-core alcoholic that needs a bag of cocaine to keep my mind off my smack habit- the remainder will of course be spent on booze, drugs, and hookers.
Good work as usual Bob…..
Beer Tabby,
I'm saving my 'stimulus' for the Hooter's grand opening. I'll be the one being thrown out the door approximately 28 minutes after opening. You will then find me at Fred's stimulating the 'economy' one dance at a time.
God bless you strippers, each and every one! A message to all the strippers out there: Your work is important to us, keep 'up' the good 'work'.
Wilco overrated? You guys are trying to break my heart.
I don't think they're the Beatles either, but don't taser me, bro.
Excuse me for not being "hip", but what's a Wilco? I thought it was a store like a "Shopko" or "Costco", at which place I could score a great deal on their store brand taser. As for The Beatles, they had alot of merchandise in their day, but I don't think there was an official Beatles Taser - correct me if I'm wrong. It sucks to be old and not in with the in crowd (Dobie Grey)
Comment By Beer Tabby, 4-30-08Dear Average form, but *** for humor pendejo,
I used to own a bar myself similar to Hooter’s called Toe B’s where the main draw was not large breasted female waitresses, instead we featured physically fit young girls in pulled-up-way-too-high jogging shorts.
Business was great in the beginning. People began flocking to the bar. Some just to look at some great toe, others came for the good food. We were famous for our Buffalo Clams and the “More than a mouthful” Tuna Sandwich.
The girls really got into the spirit of it all and we sold tons of our “Drooling Camel” logo t-shirts. We even put out a calendar. It was a huge hit with high school age boys as well as those serving in our armed forces. As matter of fact, we picked up a sponsor too. All of our girls received a free pair of Toe B’s “Wonder Toe” underwear from Victoria’s Secret. Best of all, our “Toes Gone Wild” video tapes made me a very, very rich man.
But as you know, all good things come to an end.
His name was Michael. He was a cheerleader at the local college with a swish in his walk and a flair for the dramatic. Nobody was sure why, but Michael wanted to be a waiter at Toe B’s. For obvious reasons, that was completely out of the question. But Michael was insistent even accusing me of being anti-gay. I’m not anti-gay by the way. Proof in point being that Toe B’s had become THE local hot spot for the town’s lesbian community – all of whom violently objected to being served by Michael.
A lawsuit and settlement followed. Michael used the money to open his own bar across the street called “Moose Knuckles” and was an instant success. I have to admit, they made a mean corndog.
Toe B’s closed within in a year. I guess my biggest mistake was that we didn’t keep up with the times. Heterosexuality was for old people and Toe B’s was now out of style. I lost my good standing with lesbian community too for reasons that were made worse because I didn’t know why they were upset in the first place.
So will I be at the Hooter’s grand opening? Yes I will. But I also have a meeting with my new “partner” Michael later in the week to work out the details for a new bar across the street featuring waiters in tight fitting, man boob enhancing t-shirts called “Robert Paulson’s” which happens to be the name of Meatloaf’s character in the movie Fight Club.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
My God! That story was heart-wrenching and yet uplifting and bittersweet and all those other sappy words used to describe, you know, 'feelings and stuff'. Yet another tale of woe and sorrow, of professionally competitive defeat, and of personal compromise from el Tabberino. I feel your pain, I feel your pain (see, if you repeat something, it gives it credibility).
Out of all your Toe-phenalia you peddled over those successful years, I was especially appreciative of the Camel Toe air freshener. You have no idea how helpful that was after a night of drinking with those raucous lesbian bait-and-switch patrons of yours - they all got a D-minus for hygiene, but an A-plus for stamina and creativity.
(Hay Wire's overrated, Hay Wire's overrated).
Dear jedi mind trick pendejo,
Shed not a tear for me pendejo. At the end of the day, all I need is a gutter to sleep in and a curb on which to lay my head. That’s all I need, I don’t need anything, except this remote control and this paddle ball, and maybe this thermos…
Truth is I miss the stuuuuufff. And I miss the lesbians. Man has not lived until he has been hate humped by a lesbian. I’m truly sorry for being a man and I promise to change if you promise not to stop trying to change me, glorious warrior princess.
All of a sudden I’m feeling very self-conscious and don’t feel like talking anymore. Think I’ll put on the new Wilco album.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
I was born a poor black child myself...
I too remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi...
Camel toe... you've got he cutest little camel toe
enough to charm a guy like pen dejo, camel toe,
I miss your service and your curly fries, oh
Camel toe, serving up the sauce to friends like Pen dejohhhh.
it twas a groovy shack, oh Tabby please come back..
I miss your cute ol' Camel toe.........
yeah!
I miss Toe B's!
Comment By Jill, 5-01-08Great Stuff-I agree that Wilco gets too many props. Compared to the Beatles??? Gimme a break!
Comment By DeaL, 5-01-08I already spent the money, but I am not getting a check. NOT everyone gets a check, no matter what the talking heads would have you believe. Can someone send me their check? I need to pay my credit card. And buy beer. And the latest Wilco album. Yankee Foxtrot rules.
Comment By First Time Poster, 5-01-08Hey Jill,
Ever heard of the band Beer Tabby Overdrive? There pretty good, you should check them out. Some people are even calling them the new Beau Brummelstones.
Signed,
First Time Poster
The important thing is that everyone spend the money. "w" needs something to happen or his legacy is shot.
I'm going to use it for my annual trip to San Antonio, where I'll rent a Neon and go kill something down on the coast. The last Neon we dropped off had a trunk full of sand, corn and blood, mostly from some pigs.
I've often wondered if they do DNA checks on rental car blood stains.
Dear Mark,
I really enjoyed reading your post. Say, do you only kill for fun or, do you sometimes mix business with pleasure?
I've got a bit of problem and I'm willing to spend $1800 to have it fixed - If you know what I mean.
Let me know.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
OK, everybody...nice job. Group hug! And....BREAK!
Comment By Casual Observer, 5-02-08Hey, Camp Counselor… Maybe you shouldn’t be touching Canteen Boy like that.
Comment By Canteen Boy pendejo, 5-02-08Don't listen to him Camp Counselor, it's more than alright.
Touch away...
A political statement if I may:
The name of this piece is called, my bitch better have my money. Through rain, sleet, or snow,
my ho better have my money.
Not half, not some, but all my cash.
Because if she don't,
I'll put my foot dead in her ass.
I gotta know right now!
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further
Do you love me?
And will you love me forever?
What's it gonna be pendejo? Yes or No?
What's it gonna be pendejo? Yes or No?
What's it gonna be pendejo? Yes or No?
Dear Flyguy & Flygirl pendejo,
Why don't you sleep on it.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
I just stumbled on your blog, love it, love it! I couldn't agree more, my favorite one was the postage stamps.
I'm with you on this economic stimulus package, not good, and I am getting pretty much the full amount. I still think it's crap, but I can use the money as much as the next person.
Keep up the good work!
Sorry, BT. My summer is all booked up. I think DeaL might be able to help you out, though.
Besides, I don't even know where target pendejo lives.
I just stumbled on this blog too and took a nasty fall. You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
Comment By Beer Tabby, 5-06-08... a cyber tumbleweed rolls in as even the vultures have gone.
Comment By Nick D, 5-06-08You deserve some Taser time for a comment like that. And you're a musician to boot!
Comment By target pendejo, 5-07-08I live in a place filled with torment, pain, anguish, and despair. That's right, I live on Hay Wire's street.
Comment By Beer Tabby, 5-08-08(cue brushed cymbals)
There's a place where the cool kids go
Hay Wire Street
Hay Wire Street
Snap, snap, snap...
Beer Tabby,
This little diddy is one of my favorites:
Rubber ducky, your the one
you make bath time lots of fun...
Everyday when I get into the tubby,
I find my little buddy who's cute, yellow and chubby.
Rub-a-dub-a-dubby...
Dear san francisco treat pendejo,
You have inspired me...
Cloudy day
Drinkin’ my day away
On my way to where the beer is sweet
Can you tell me how get
How to get to Hay Wire Street
Blog away
Everything’s not okay
Hay Wire’s pissed
And he will be missed
Can you tell me how get
How to get to Hay Wire Street
It’s a drunken hay ride
Beer bong time open wide
To alkie people like you
Drunkards just like
What a lousy
Cloudy day
Drinkin’ my day away
On my way to where the beer is sweet
Can you tell me how get
How to get to Hay Wire Street
How to get to Hay Wire Street
How to get to…
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
Felt the same as Bob about Wilco, but on a whim got tickets for me and the wife and went to the show in Missoula. I now like them a lot more than I did before. Awesome show, great players in the band. Cool songs. Still a bigger Son Volt fan, but comparing the two bands is pointless - totally different music. And though Trace is a GREAT album, I'm sick of it. "Loose String is the only song I want to hear off there any more. Not at all sick of Wide Swing Tremelo though. The more subtle, LESS hooky songs bear repeated (AND repeated) listenings better. And finally, and I've been saying this since the term Classic Rock started being used (what, early 80's maybe?Anyone?) - THE BEATLES ARE OVERRATED.
As far as our free money goes - Big Dipper and Gasoline.
Dear Larry Here,
Besides being a corvid in a homo suit, you also know your music. I’m not sure if you know it or not but your friend Mr Wire doesn’t come around here anymore. Therefore, I’ll be handling things on his behalf in his absence.
Larry Here, I’m baffled by the whole Wilco vs. Son Volt thing myself. Remember Uncle Tupelo? Part of what made them so great was that you had Jay songs and you had Jeff songs. Some days I like “Whiskey Bottle” from their first record while on others I like “Gun” from the second one better. And you know, the last time I checked, “Art is not a contest” (the preceding was an original Beer Tabby quote and may be used by anyone dumb enough to repeat it).
I met Jeff a couple years back while cd shopping one night at the Virgin Mega Store in San Francisco. I pretended not to know who he was because I thought that it made me seem cooler. Anyways, he’s just a regular guy and I challenge you to find a better song out there right now than “Impossible Germany” of off Wilco’s latest.
And finally I have been saying this since I had my own opinion, rating music is overrated. It’s like having somebody tell you how food is supposed to taste. And, the best music usually takes multiple listens and sometimes even years until you get it. I will say this much – Beatles over Brittany.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
chirp, chirp, chirp...
Comment By revolutionary pendejo, 5-12-08Beer Tabby,
What do you think of the word 'rapscallion'?
I was considering using it sometime this week, but am as of yet undecided. Initially I thought it would make me sound more sophisticated than I actually am, but now I'm concerned it may make me sound British, and I don't like those bloody redcoats. What do you recommend to avoid sounding British while remaining cool? Or, does simply not sounding British make me cool by default? Or, am I hopelessly never going to be cool so I could just say anything I want? That's been my strategy so far.
Good day to you sir,
pendejo
Do rap scallions have an urban flavor?
Comment By rhymin & stealin pendejo, 5-13-08Torching and crackin and rhymin and stealin
Robbin' and raping - busting two in the ceiling
I'm wheeling' - I'm dealing - I'm drinking, not thinking
Never cower, never shower - and I'm always stinking
Ho ho ho and a pint of Brass Monkey
And when my girlie shakes her hips - she sure gets funky
Skirt chasing, free basing - killing every village
We drink, and rob, and rhyme, and pillage...
Wow - What a weekend!
What did I miss?
Beer Tabby,
Well, you've finally done it! Hay Wire don't come 'round here no more. I think you broke his spirit.
Now comes the rebuilding effort...
Hay Wire, if you're out there, we're here for ya buddy. Come on back. Beer Tabby won't make fun of you any more, will you Beer Tabby?
Spending all my nights, all my (stimulus) money drunk on the town
Drinking anything just to keep you on top of my mind
But when morning comes, I got that hangover feelin’ again
Drinkin’ to forget you was a waste of a dime
Bobby come back, any kind of fool could see
There might be something in anything about you
Bobby come back, but don’t blame it all on me
You were wrong, and I just can’t blog without you
Now we are gas and fire together
Give a match to make you see
Is true your favorite Simpson is Bart
Homer’s best for me, Homer’s number one for me
Bobby come back!
Truly inspiring work. If that doesn't do it, we may have lost him. Dammit Beer Tabby! I'm a pendejo, not a miracle worker!
Comment By Beer Tabby, 5-21-081st Rule of Wire Club: You do not talk about Wire Club
2nd Rule of Wire Club: You do not talk about Wire Club
3rd Rule of Wire Club: When Hay Wire “snaps” or goes limp or taps out the fight is not over
4th Rule of Wire Club: Everybody writes at the same time
5th Rule of Wire Club: Unlimited topics at one time
6th Rule of Wire Club: No shoes, no skirts, no problem
7th Rule of Wire Club: Rants will go on as long as they have to
8th Rule of Wire Club: If this is your first time reading Wire Club you have to write
Beer Tabby – West Coast Pit legend, esteemed Lambretta pilot, and enigma. Occasional big wave rider and boy who became a man on Tia Juana tequilla safely crosses back over the border. Learns the art of sales and moves to the islands never to surf again. Turns half-successful semi-pro tennis career into nothing only to play semi-pro softball for the beer and fist fights. Rum and OJ’d moves to mountains until vitamin D reserves run out then retreats back to the sea. Aborts attempt to be born again. Begins very difficult Scotch and Sinatra phase. Ends up learning to love red wine and the sound of his own thoughts and a growing collection of corks. Discovers and pirates Wire Club. Along with cohort fiery habanero pendejo, crashes the good ship Hay Wire on a blogged reef. Looses glass eye which was only a knickknack anyways but still has the quarter with the bullet hole in it. Teaches parrot to burp and call the dog before going to sleep to the sound of bongo playing patchouli scented caveman neighbors and the sound of the ocean and the passing cars. Wonders as much as knows who is reading or will soon be reading this while hoping that expulsion is near as that would be the easy way out. Certainly some kind of rule has been violated as American no longer has room for the truly free.
Comment By patently pendejo, 5-21-08Hey Beer Tabby,
Did you read the new comment policy above? I'd like to think I had a little something to do with its inception given the numerous comments of mine, however truthful yet offensive they may have been, that have been removed over the years. In fact, I dare anybody out there to challenge the pendejo's offensibility (I don't think offensibility is a word, but you get my point) except you Beer Tabby. You've got some of the gift.
Anyway...
The policy says contributions that are "patently offensive" will be removed. Well I had to look up 'patently' because we don't use them fancy words in my 'hood. I used the Google just like Hay Wire said I should and found out it means obvious. So according to NW's policy I can be un-obviously offensive and my comments will not be removed but yet if I'm obviously offensive they will be? This really is a pendejo dilemma because I prefer to be obviously offensive, it removes the reading between the lines effort that some of the bloggers require.
I just stumbled on this blog too and took a nasty fall. You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
By Beer Tabby, 5-06-08
... a cyber tumbleweed rolls in as even the vultures have gone.
By Nick D, 5-06-08
You deserve some Taser time for a comment like that. And you're a musician to boot!
By target pendejo, 5-07-08
I live in a place filled with torment, pain, anguish, and despair. That's right, I live on Hay Wire's street.
By Beer Tabby, 5-08-08
(cue brushed cymbals)
There's a place where the cool kids go
Hay Wire Street
Hay Wire Street
Snap, snap, snap...
By san francisco treat pendejo, 5-08-08
Beer Tabby,
This little diddy is one of my favorites:
Rubber ducky, your the one
you make bath time lots of fun...
Everyday when I get into the tubby,
I find my little buddy who's cute, yellow and chubby.
Rub-a-dub-a-dubby...
By Beer Tabby, 5-08-08
Dear san francisco treat pendejo,
You have inspired me...
Cloudy day
Drinkin’ my day away
On my way to where the beer is sweet
Can you tell me how get
How to get to Hay Wire Street
Blog away
Everything’s not okay
Hay Wire’s pissed
And he will be missed
Can you tell me how get
How to get to Hay Wire Street
It’s a drunken hay ride
Beer bong time open wide
To alkie people like you
Drunkards just like
What a lousy
Cloudy day
Drinkin’ my day away
On my way to where the beer is sweet
Can you tell me how get
How to get to Hay Wire Street
How to get to Hay Wire Street
How to get to…
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
By Larry Here, 5-08-08
Felt the same as Bob about Wilco, but on a whim got tickets for me and the wife and went to the show in Missoula. I now like them a lot more than I did before. Awesome show, great players in the band. Cool songs. Still a bigger Son Volt fan, but comparing the two bands is pointless - totally different music. And though Trace is a GREAT album, I'm sick of it. "Loose String is the only song I want to hear off there any more. Not at all sick of Wide Swing Tremelo though. The more subtle, LESS hooky songs bear repeated (AND repeated) listenings better. And finally, and I've been saying this since the term Classic Rock started being used (what, early 80's maybe?Anyone?) - THE BEATLES ARE OVERRATED.
As far as our free money goes - Big Dipper and Gasoline.
By Beer Tabby, 5-09-08
Dear Larry Here,
Besides being a corvid in a homo suit, you also know your music. I’m not sure if you know it or not but your friend Mr Wire doesn’t come around here anymore. Therefore, I’ll be handling things on his behalf in his absence.
Larry Here, I’m baffled by the whole Wilco vs. Son Volt thing myself. Remember Uncle Tupelo? Part of what made them so great was that you had Jay songs and you had Jeff songs. Some days I like “Whiskey Bottle” from their first record while on others I like “Gun” from the second one better. And you know, the last time I checked, “Art is not a contest” (the preceding was an original Beer Tabby quote and may be used by anyone dumb enough to repeat it).
I met Jeff a couple years back while cd shopping one night at the Virgin Mega Store in San Francisco. I pretended not to know who he was because I thought that it made me seem cooler. Anyways, he’s just a regular guy and I challenge you to find a better song out there right now than “Impossible Germany” of off Wilco’s latest.
And finally I have been saying this since I had my own opinion, rating music is overrated. It’s like having somebody tell you how food is supposed to taste. And, the best music usually takes multiple listens and sometimes even years until you get it. I will say this much – Beatles over Brittany.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
By Casual Observer, 5-10-08
chirp, chirp, chirp...
By revolutionary pendejo, 5-12-08
Beer Tabby,
What do you think of the word 'rapscallion'?
I was considering using it sometime this week, but am as of yet undecided. Initially I thought it would make me sound more sophisticated than I actually am, but now I'm concerned it may make me sound British, and I don't like those bloody redcoats. What do you recommend to avoid sounding British while remaining cool? Or, does simply not sounding British make me cool by default? Or, am I hopelessly never going to be cool so I could just say anything I want? That's been my strategy so far.
Good day to you sir,
pendejo
By hoosier tabby, 5-12-08
Do rap scallions have an urban flavor?
By rhymin & stealin pendejo, 5-13-08
Torching and crackin and rhymin and stealin
Robbin' and raping - busting two in the ceiling
I'm wheeling' - I'm dealing - I'm drinking, not thinking
Never cower, never shower - and I'm always stinking
Ho ho ho and a pint of Brass Monkey
And when my girlie shakes her hips - she sure gets funky
Skirt chasing, free basing - killing every village
We drink, and rob, and rhyme, and pillage...
By Beer Tabby, 5-19-08
Wow - What a weekend!
What did I miss?
By a new hope pendejo, 5-19-08
Beer Tabby,
Well, you've finally done it! Hay Wire don't come 'round here no more. I think you broke his spirit.
Now comes the rebuilding effort...
Hay Wire, if you're out there, we're here for ya buddy. Come on back. Beer Tabby won't make fun of you any more, will you Beer Tabby?
By Beer Tabby, 5-20-08
Spending all my nights, all my (stimulus) money drunk on the town
Drinking anything just to keep you on top of my mind
But when morning comes, I got that hangover feelin’ again
Drinkin’ to forget you was a waste of a dime
Bobby come back, any kind of fool could see
There might be something in anything about you
Bobby come back, but don’t blame it all on me
You were wrong, and I just can’t blog without you
Now we are gas and fire together
Give a match to make you see
Is true your favorite Simpson is Bart
Homer’s best for me, Homer’s number one for me
Bobby come back!
By starship pendejo, 5-20-08
Truly inspiring work. If that doesn't do it, we may have lost him. Dammit Beer Tabby! I'm a pendejo, not a miracle worker!
By Beer Tabby, 5-21-08
1st Rule of Wire Club: You do not talk about Wire Club
2nd Rule of Wire Club: You do not talk about Wire Club
3rd Rule of Wire Club: When Hay Wire “snaps” or goes limp or taps out the fight is not over
4th Rule of Wire Club: Everybody writes at the same time
5th Rule of Wire Club: Unlimited topics at one time
6th Rule of Wire Club: No shoes, no skirts, no problem
7th Rule of Wire Club: Rants will go on as long as they have to
8th Rule of Wire Club: If this is your first time reading Wire Club you have to write
By Beer Tabby, 5-21-08
Beer Tabby – West Coast Pit legend, esteemed Lambretta pilot, and enigma. Occasional big wave rider and boy who became a man on Tia Juana tequilla safely crosses back over the border. Learns the art of sales and moves to the islands never to surf again. Turns half-successful semi-pro tennis career into nothing only to play semi-pro softball for the beer and fist fights. Rum and OJ’d moves to mountains until vitamin D reserves run out then retreats back to the sea. Aborts attempt to be born again. Begins very difficult Scotch and Sinatra phase. Ends up learning to love red wine and the sound of his own thoughts and a growing collection of corks. Discovers and pirates Wire Club. Along with cohort fiery habanero pendejo, crashes the good ship Hay Wire on a blogged reef. Looses glass eye which was only a knickknack anyways but still has the quarter with the bullet hole in it. Teaches parrot to burp and call the dog before going to sleep to the sound of bongo playing patchouli scented caveman neighbors and the sound of the ocean and the passing cars. Wonders as much as knows who is reading or will soon be reading this while hoping that expulsion is near as that would be the easy way out. Certainly some kind of rule has been violated as American no longer has room for the truly free.
By patently pendejo, 5-21-08
Hey Beer Tabby,
Did you read the new comment policy above? I'd like to think I had a little something to do with its inception given the numerous comments of mine, however truthful yet offensive they may have been, that have been removed over the years. In fact, I dare anybody out there to challenge the pendejo's offensibility (I don't think offensibility is a word, but you get my point) except you Beer Tabby. You've got some of the gift.
Anyway...
The policy says contributions that are "patently offensive" will be removed. Well I had to look up 'patently' because we don't use them fancy words in my 'hood. I used the Google just like Hay Wire said I should and found out it means obvious. So according to NW's policy I can be un-obviously offensive and my comments will not be removed but yet if I'm obviously offensive they will be? This really is a pendejo dilemma because I prefer to be obviously offensive, it removes the
Dear patently pendejo,
Who gets to be the judge and what are their credentials?
This kinda of crap happens all the time – with churches and I guess it happens with blogs too. It’s just a matter of time until policies are created not to preserve the spirit in which the organization was created but rather, created to weed out those who threaten what they wish to become.
This shit even pissed of Jesus. Remember when he thrashed that temple?
Sell outs! New West! Sell Outs!
Please ban me now. Or get out of my way and don’t even fricking think of censoring me.
Oh no, look New West, I’m way off of topic. Hurry, come squash my freedom of speech before I get out of hand. Look out now; here comes an original thought… eeeeek!
America (or New West) does not have room for the truly free!
Pissed wishes,
Beer Tabby
Hold on just a little longer Beer Tabby. Hang in there big fella, just a little longer. Hooter's will soon be here and all will be right with the universe as we know it. Remember - baby steps down the stairs, baby steps out the door, baby steps to the chicken wings.
I'll be bringing my opera glasses to the grand opening, will you?
Dear count pendejo-ula,
I will be spending my stimlulus check at Hooter's for a couple of reasons. One, becuase I want to. Two, because my comments need to remain on topic.
And if they hire right, the opera glasses won't be needed.
As for the rest of the girls, somebody should open a bar called Patty's where the waitress' are flat chested. And another one called Nipsy's for the pre-teen set.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
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