Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)
Global Warming My Ass
By Bob Wire, 6-11-08
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| Caption: No sir, I don't like it. | |
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Well, I was going to take down the Christmas lights today. But now I may as well plug ‘em in. When I woke up and looked out the bedroom window this morning, my reaction was enough to propel both of my kids out of their beds.
“Dad, what’s the matter?” asked Rusty, reacting to the string of epithets flowing from my room. “Did you have that dream again, where you were a sex slave for Condoleeza Rice?”
“No. Look out the window.” He looked.
“Whoa! Wouldn’t it be cool if we had a snow day?” he said, eyes widening.
Tomorrow’s the last day of school at John Colter Elementary. The kids are on the verge of three straight months of “snow days.” But instead of bundling up swimsuits and beach towels for a pool party, I’m digging out recently-stored snow boots and winter coats.
I can’t see out the front window because the birch tree in the front yard is humped over by the weight of the snow, touching the ground.
The tomato and pepper plants in our backyard garden surely will not survive this, will they? I can see deer on the hill behind our house, scratching their heads and double-checking the date on their complimentary Field & Stream calendars.
But who do I complain to? What can I do? How am I supposed to get my revenge for this cruel joke? I mean, I’ve done my time, man. I trudged through seven long months of this winter wonderland bullshit. I’ve already made the switch from whiskey to gin. I’ve already gotten two sunburns this year. Criminy.
Like the rest of Missoula, I’ll just continue with my day, trying to avoid the inevitable string of fender benders resulting from carefree drivers who fail to remember how slick the roads get when the snow meets the oil on the asphalt.
I know the white stuff will be gone by tomorrow, or even later today. But I still feel like throwing a tantrum, because it just isn’t fair. I should be playing golf. I can’t throw horse shoes when the pits are full of snow. It makes me livid to have to crank on the heat: I’ve earned a lower power bill after writing a half dozen $300+ checks to those ruthless criminals at Northwestern Energy.
Maybe the Republicans are right. Maybe this whole global warming thing is a fairy tale.
[Share this column with a friend. NewWest.net/BobWire. It makes a great Christmas gift!]
Instead of 'Global Warming My Ass' try wrapping some heat tape around your porcelain throne seat. It will put you in a much better mood when your family subjects genuflect before you.
Comment By Bob Wire, 6-11-08At our house, genuflecting in the bathroom is frowned upon.
Comment By Craig Moore, 6-11-08Looks a little dicey between Browning and East Glacier too. http://www.rwis.mdt.mt.gov/scanweb/SWFrame.asp?Pageid=Camera&Units=English&Groupid;=&Siteid=629002&Senid;=&WxId=6292&DisplayClass=Java&SenType=All&SenStatus;=&Camera=1
Comment By Craig Moore, 6-11-08The grizzlies that live around the Big Mountain area are ready to rip Gaia a new one. http://www.skiwhitefish.com/webcams.php
Comment By Larry Kralj, Environmental Rangers!m, 6-11-08Well, Bob, at LEAST you didn't have to cut a HUGE tree off you car to get it out of the driveway this a.m. in an attempt to get to the airport, only to find that you couldn't GET into the airport because of downed power lines, and then find that you couldn't return home because of a wreck on the onramp, and then, after an hour wait in the truck stop parking lot, finally getting into the airport only to find that your flight was cancelled! This was my morning here in GF. And yes, I think that I too used up nearly every swear word in my vocabulary! At least that's what my wife said.
Comment By ALLEN, 6-11-08I 'm love'n this weather, it's much closer to normal than triple digit timps and smoke. It's alot like it was in 93, I lived in a tent that summer. and now that I've been priced out of a place to live, (no heat) I living in a truck.
Comment By Rebecca, 6-11-08Does Condi make you wear a gimp mask?
Comment By drylander, 6-11-08Zed's dead Rebecca, Zed's dead.
Comment By Beer Tabby, 6-11-08Global Warming, like animal rights is just another religion. Another distraction from what’s really wrong in the world.
Think about it for second… what do dumb people who don’t care about each other talk about? Global Warming is what the kids who spend all day playing video games buzzing on Rock Star Cola talk about when the power’s out. It’s “How’s the weather?” on steroids.
WAKE UP!
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
Beer Tabby, I'm shocked! Global Warming a religion???? Does that mean we can boil the animals in the Global Warming holy water and eat them in holy communion to cross over the River Styx to get Missoula's remaining 72 virgins?
Comment By jwscotch, 6-11-08White has become my least favorite color...especially "piled" white.
Comment By mark, 6-11-08Get over it. It's still spring. Everybody knows it snows in the Rockies in the spring. And early summer. And that's still a week and a half away. The 'maters and peppers will be just fine. We can use the moisture. It's easy to keep warm, just wear more clothes. What's with this wind? Gusts to 50. What happened to my tree? Stood the test for eight years, and NOW decides to snap at the base and nearly wiped out my radishes that are JUST NOW emerging from the cold tundra where I had chiseled through the permafrost and scattered a few seeds in hope to get a little vitamin C to keep the DREADED SCURVY AT BAY AND IF THAT SOB KEEPS TAILGATING ME I'M GONNA HIT THE BRAKES AND SEE IF HE CAN STOP ON THIS SLUSH COVERED GOAT TRAIL IN TIME TO PREVENT HIS ASS FROM A WHIPLASH LAWSUIT..................
Did you know that Condi used to be on the board at Chevron and they named a ship after her? Do you suppose it was a slave ship? A SEX SLAVE ship???
Mark, to avoid scurvy heed the advice of Bear Gryls. Just boil water and add the nettles from any conifer tree and drink the turpentine tea. Add some Cuervo to improve the taste. He claims this potion has more vitamin C than orange juice.
Comment By Beer Tabby, 6-11-08Dear Craig Moore,
I am unable to comment directly for a couple of reasons…
1) I can’t stand Styx.
2) Due to a new policy here at New West, we can’t talk about Missoula’s virgin population without risking censorship. Also, typical in this politically correct era, the virgins don’t want to be called virgins anymore. Instead, they wish to be known as “Insertially Challenged” or “Penetrationally Limited” if you prefer.
In these trying times I do know one thing for sure… If I took no for an answer I’d still be “Special”
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
Ps: Like Hay Wire, I too am a satirist, making everything I say ok and not offensive therefore exempting me from censorship as established by New West’s previous handling of this blog. After all, for the satirist life is just a big Mentos commercial, isn’t it?
Mentos, aren't those the blue suppositories used by Brit Druids to celebrate Gaia?
Comment By Beer Tabby, 6-11-08Stop everything... Craig Moore? The Craig Moore?
I thought you weren't allowed to play here any more after you know who's episode.
It's been quiet here without you. Besides frosted mini pedejo, none of the cool kids here talk to me. Do you think it was something that I said?
Mom says that means that they are jealous. But how can that be? Nobody here has ever seen me naked.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
I'm guessing that you're not originally from Montana? Watch "The Global Warming Hoax", more fuel for the fire (or snowstorm). I bet the veggies make it!
Jewels
I won't get into the whole global warming conflict here, but I would remind you that this is a humor column. The above rant was a knee-jerk reaction meaning "enough already." And, unless you're in your fifties or older, I was tramping through the snows of Montana before you were born.
Comment By Craig Moore, 6-13-08What a strange ritual, to tramp around in snow before a birth. Is that a Missoula solstice thing?
;?p
No, Craig, it was a "where's my other mitten?" thing. (Love the self-portrait.)
Comment By Craig Moore, 6-13-08Don't forget the Johnny Weissmuller yell...from that exhilarating feeling of snow on bare fee.
Comment By gin and juice pendejo, 6-13-08Beer Tabby,
Would you suggest to Hay Wire, if he were a suggestible person, that he switch back to whiskey? I mean, come on, gin? Who the fuck drinks gin? Ghetto rats, that's who.
Dear gin and juice pendejo,
Drunk is drunk for the most. Except for gin. Only memebers of the Global Warming Cult drink gin. And most members of the Hay Wire cult.
Lately whenever I post here it feels like I'm being spotted by the Body Snatchers. I think they got Craig Moore.
Don't fall asleep!
Tabby
BT, I was podded.
Comment By Beer Tabby, 6-15-08Dear Craig Moore,
You wouldn't happen to have a human head and a dog body would you?
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
No, more like a centaur.
Comment By Beer Tabby, 6-16-08Dear Craig Moore,
Part man, part bull. That is the coolest thing ever!
Say, word around the labyrinth is that some dude by the name of Thesus is looking for you. If you like, I’ll cut his ball of string for you.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby