Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)
Missoula Flooded With Obama Emails, No Survivors
He's just like you—he sits around writing emails all day
By Bob Wire, 6-17-08
Since Barack Obama became the presumptive Democratic nominee two weeks ago, his campaign staff and supporters around the country have been working feverishly 24/7 to stuff my inbox with emails.
“Bob, you may think the battle is over now that we’ve amassed enough delegates for the nomination. But it’s not. At this very moment, John McCain may be creeping into your backyard, dressed in a camouflage business suit, a knife clutched in his false teeth, to install a wiretap on your phone…”
A simply “thank you” for my vote in the primary would be sufficient, really. I realize that, in the democratic system of government, the #1 priority for any public servant is to raise money for his/her campaign. But these people are unrelenting. They’re worse than the goddamn food bank. You stick a check for $50 in an envelope, and instead of thanking you, they send you a bigger envelope. Every day. Forever. If I made a donation to the food bank every time they asked for one, I’d be one of their clients in no time.
Meanwhile, some Obamoid zealot in Minneapolis has hacked into my computer, replacing the subtle mail alert with Obama’s voice saying, “Guess who!”
“Bob, if the election were held today, more than 96% of registered voters in this country would be taken by complete surprise. But that’s beside the point. We want you to send us $35 and we’ll mail you this limited edition Obama-Lama-Ding-Dong t-shirt you can wear to Obama rallies, Obama marches, Obama square dances, and anti-McCain purple heart burnings. It’s 100% cotton, and the cotton was actually picked on a plantation where Obama’s great-great-great grandfather was a slave owned by John McCain’s brother…”
Since Rusty and Barb went to the Obama rock festival…I mean, rally in Missoula last spring, their names were added to the list and now I get three copies of each email. Happy happy joy joy.
“Rusty, as you approach retirement age [Rusty is 11] and your IRA continues to fund cocaine and ecstasy parties for Republicans and their Puerto Rican whores, don’t you wish there were more responsible people in charge of this country’s future? People who would never use public funds for their own private gain? People who would guard your retirement nest egg as if it were their own Puerto Rican whore? Yes, we thought so. That’s why we want you to transfer your entire 401K savings into Obama’s personal checking account…”
It’s more than just annoying; it’s creepy. This one came in yesterday, just as I was fixing lunch:
“Bob, when you made that turkey sandwich, were you thinking about how turkeys are raised and processed? Imagine that you and your family are those turkeys, living and gobbling under Republican rule. Stuffed in a foot-square cage, subsisting on a putrid paste made of bone meal and ground-up turkey beaks and elbows. Forced to wallow in your own turkey effluent, breathing the foul stench of a thousand other dying, diseased birds. What’s the matter, Bob? Not hungry any more? Well, if you’re not going to eat that sandwich, why don’t you box it up and send it to the food bank, along with a check…”
I knew it.
[Bookmark NewWest.net/BobWire right now. Do it. Or else you’re going on the list.]
[End of article]
Careful, or the faithful will have you sent to the People's Republic of Gorbamaland re-education camp until glazed over eyes and smile return to your face and gluteal cleft. Practice your party approved recitations to write an 'I'm Sorry!' column to follow this one. Remember it was never YOUR money, you just borrowed it.
Comment By COL.[retd]A.M.Khajawall, 6-17-08Dear American Voters,
Hon. Senator McCain and Obama, besides each having many attributes and characteristics. The critical differences between the two of these presidential presumptive nominees are as under:
1. Presidential "Temperament and Composer".
2. Little Washington "insider Versus outsider" experience.
3. "Vision and mission" for our nation future rather than past.
4. American policies, " first U.S.A Centric" than any other country [ ies ] centric.
In my professional opinion Senator Obama leads in all above qualities.
The need of our next movement and generation is a change. The Change in " past Washington and its Leadership". A change we can believe in and not the seductive, deceptive, and confusing slogan of "leader we can believe in" [? Effexor ?".
Our Greatgrand Nation has to address many present and future challenges and start with new clean "Slate and Senator".
God Bless America. its diverse people, and our Greatgrand Nation.
Our Greatgrand Nation is needs the CHANGE at every level and for long time.
I am sure Senator Obama with the help of Senator Clinton and her supporters, can deliver that CHANGE.
Please stay involved, stay engaged, and stay informed. Please do not allow any seduction, deception, and or confusion by some partisan media and leaders effect your vote [ Psychological Terrorism ]..
Yours truly,
COL. [retd] A.M.Khajawall
Disabled American Veteran
Forensic psychiatrist, Las Vegas
PS: Talk about" Presidential Temerament" media, pundits, and politicians do not be quite about it. Our nations future depends upon it.
Dear Col A.M.Khajawall,
First of all, thank you for your service.
Second, why and exactly what kind of change do you think America needs? And if it’s true that the country could use a clean slate, how can I be sure that your candidate is capable or even qualified lead a revised America?
As I qualifier I think you should know that I hate politics and my questions come from more of a businessman’s perspective. In business, nice sounding ideas once implemented often end up costing a corporation a lot of money often resulting in loss of employment for some of its employees.
My gut feeling says that the job of running this country requires more on the job experience than what is on Obama’s resume. And although I “like” him best, I’m not sure if that’s enough for me to give the guy my vote or if he’s the best man, I mean person for the job.
Also, Vern thinks “The Flame” is lame but Vern likes “Keep on Lovin’ You” which has got to be lamest song ever. And who would win in a fight, Cheap Trick or REO Speedwagon? I say Cheap Trick because of Bun E Carlos. The Bun has been in a ton of fights and the guy don’t take no crap from nobody but Vern says REO cuz the singer was in the movie “The Warriors”. But that’s just acting. Somebody wrote what that guy had to say for him and that alone doesn’t enable the guy to kick the Bun’s butt in the real world, right? I mean, who would you rather climb Mount Everest with, a charming and articulate guy who wrote a best seller about the mountain or an illiterate gnarly looking old dude who’s already been to the top a few times?
In closing, As a Forensic Psychiatrist, who do you think is right, me or Vern? I look forward to your reply.
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
The above letter has been SPAMMED across the internet.
See: google.com/search?hl=en&ie=ISO-8859-1&q=A.M.Khajawall++
Look closely how the spam letter was signed. Active and retired millitary who use their rank in their signature, sign their letters with RANK - NAME - STATUS, not rank, status, name. Neither Obama nor his supporter who wrote this appear to have served.
Comment By Vern, 6-17-08Fact: Kevin Cronin beat Bun E. Carlos in a cage match at the Omni in Atlanta, GA on May 12, 1992. The match lasted 4minutes and was decided when Cronin did his version of the Jimmy "Superfly" Snooka move off the corner turnbuckle, smashing Bun E. to the ground planting both feet into Bun's sternum. Bun E. has since retired from wrestling and is concentrating on his hobby of making homemade greeting cards.
Comment By skull and bones forever pendejo, 6-17-08Beer Tabby and Vern,
I must ask: Did the reptilian lover - Sarsippius - really smear the whip cream all over his body? Or like the above werstling match, was it just an act?
Always curious,
pendejo
Bob, pretty funny article. and I assume that was the point. A little levity, and lighthearted laugh. It worked, and the ribbing is well deserved. However, should the point of this article really be to take on the copious emails from the Obama camp, you could always unsubscribe. It takes a lot less time than writing an article. --- but, what then would you fill your column space with?
--- just a little lighthearted ribbing Bob.
Cheers,
ron, once Bob is absorbed into the Gorbama Borg collective, there is no going back. One is not allowed to quit. They will hear his thoughts and come for him.
Comment By Pete Talbot, 6-17-08Bob,
I received plenty of Obama emails, too, but they paled in comparison to the number of Clinton emails in my inbox. You see, my eight-year-old granddaughter is a big Hillary fan, so I took her to a Clinton event. Not thinking, I signed some form and included my email address.
Hillary (well, probably one of her surrogates) wrote me three, four, five times a day. When the Clinton emails started outnumbering the male enhancement and Nigerian millionaire emails I usually get, I just started deleting them, sight unseen.
I suppose we can anticipate even more email when it gets closer to Nov. 4.
LOL. I'm a staunch Obama supporter, but yeah, the emails asking for money get a little old. I've given! Several times! Not a lot, but hey, I do what I can.
Now I'm off to order me some Obama swag from the Obama store. It's actually quite reasonably priced. Of course, they do ask you to round up at checkout ....
Dear Vern,
That never happened. Maybe you're thinking about the time when Screech took on Mr Whipple on Celebrity Death Match.
Why don't you try thinking outside of the Bun once in a while?
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
I get the Obama e-mails and the McSame e-mails (and used to get the Clinton ones too...I agree her campaign was the highest volume; when they started race-baiting and I asked to be taken off the e-mail list I kept on getting them).
As far as volume Bob, Obama and McSame send out about the same amount. And if you wanted them to stop, you could always click one of the e-mails as spam with your e-mail service, at which point the e-mails would start going to your "bulk" or spam folder.
Of course you wouldn't get to write a "concern troll" article if you took the easy way out.
What's with this "presumptive" bullshit. Anytime you hear Obama or McCain's name, it's always prefaced by "presumptive candidate" or "presumptive lackey" or "presumptive loser in the next ejection". I mean, what are they going to do at the conventions? Sorry, Barack, but Ted ain't doing well and this may be his last chance, ya know. Sorry, John, Pat Robertson can bench press three thousand pounds, and he seems the stronger candidate. Just drop it. It's like listening to "w" use the word "resolve". "I resolve to-ahhh-resolve the problem-ahhh-until it's resolved that-ahh-we won't need to-ahh-resolve any more of-ahhh- frickin' hardships-ahhh-resolve-ahhh-ahhh.
Comment By Beer Tabby, 6-17-08Dear skull and bones forever pendejo,
I can’t speak for Vern (because I don’t have a lisp), but are you referencing a song by Suicidal Tendencies?
Back on topic, although Barack Obama has won the Democratic nomination for President, Hillary Clinton continues to prove that she’s one classy lady…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VHQS5q6je0
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
I have read with pleasure albeit not total understanding of this story or responses! So I shall be succinct which is seldom me! I graduated from the dancing school(MSU, then Uof M) in 1966! I served our country for 28 years(Big Deal!) So I can go to VA as well as get a small retirement since most of it was the MTANG!
BFD!
The first president that inspired me was JFK! The first candidate since is Barack so I have sent him$ & saw him in MSLA as I saw Dwight D. Eisenhower in MSLA. (Last truly military president-he warned us about the military industrial complex!) You young folk keep on communicating & voting because we older folk still care but can not do the work we used to!! It is time for PEACE not war!
Jon
Dear JAK,
I just got a call from the Punctuation Police and they asked me to ask you to take it easy on the exclamation marks. Perhaps you’ll throw in a period every now and then in the future?
But I do agree - Peace not war!!!!!!!!!!
Bestest wishes!!!
Tabby
Beer Tabby, with summer comes peas at last.
Comment By Beer Tabby, 6-19-08Dear Craig Moore,
That was about as funny as using a wood bat in the year 2008!
Bestest wishes,
Tabby
Ohhhhhh-Bama......I could drink that guy under the table.
Comment By Craig Moore, 6-20-08Ohhhhhh-Bama?
Clarenence this one is for you:
Mornin', just another day
Happy people pass my way
Lookin' in their eyes
I see a memory
I never realized
How happy you made me, Ohhhhhh-Bama
Well you came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, Ohhhhhh-Bama
Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
And I need you today, Ohhhhhh-Bama
Standin' on the edge of time
Walked away when love was mine
Caught up in a world of uphill climbin'
The tears are in my mind
And nothing is rhymin', Ohhhhhh-Bama
-----
I think some guy named Barry wrote these lyrics for you.