From Nate’s Montana Mailbag

By Nate Schweber, New West Unfiltered 8-02-05

At the top of the week I took my rock n’ roll band, the New Heathens into Cowboy Technical Services in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a recording studio well-known for churning out great roots-rock records. I moved here from Missoula four years ago with the pie-in-the-sky dream of making a rock n’ roll record. Finally, after more toil than those whippersnappers on Rock Star INXS could have seen, I’m doing it.

Unfortunately, my head has been walloped by things like guitars and drums, and I haven’t had the juice to churn out a wadbuster for New West on Montana’s Pressing Issues. So I thought I’d do a clearinghouse of sorts this week and share with you some of my correspondence. This may well turn into a semi-regular feature in the “Nate Writes Home� section, if it’s not too horrifying for the sensibilities of you, dear reader. When I let it be known that I AM the Missoula Blogger At Large Missoula Blogger at Large for New West, people ask me strange questions – some even in writing. I’m no Abby Van Buren http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abigail_Van_Buren" title="Abby Van Buren">Abby Van Buren) , and I’m certainly no Advice Goddess, but with the intention expanding community dialogue, as well as entertaining, I share with you these letters and my responses.


July 4, 2005

Dear Nate,

I’m a businessman based in Atlantic City, New Jersey. I sold one of my buildings to The Donald, and he turned it into the http://www.trumptaj.com" title="Trump Taj Mahal">Trump Taj Mahal Casino. When we closed, Donnie gave me advice about investing in real estate. As I told you I am a businessman. And I am shrewd. I hear from some friends in Bozeman that Montana real estate is more valuable than Section 8 housing vouchers. So I’m planning to buy up a few thousand acres. I figure I could move my junkyards out there, maybe open up an industrial park or two. I might even start importing garbage from New York City because Pennsylvania is starting to charge too damn much for their landfills. I hear you got a lot of folks in Montana who don’t think there should be any restrictions to the free market. That’s good for me, because when I buy up all that land with the money I made from Trump, I’m gonna’ turn it into the biggest junk dump this country’s ever seen. It’s the American dream. Someday they’ll call me a genius. Maybe name a street after me in Trenton.

Anyway, I had an idea. As I told you before, I am a businessman. And I am shrewd. I hear there are lot of bears in Montana, so obviously they need to be shot because they’re a menace to society. Especially them grizzly bears. I hear there’s so freakin’ many grizzlies that they’re about to be http://www.newwest.net/index.php/main/article/tough_sell_the_problem_with_taking_federal_protection_from_yellowstone_griz/" title="taken off the Endangered Specia List">taken off the Endangered Species List. My idea is this. I don’t want to be remembered as just the junk guy. I want to be remembered as a man who helped people. There’s a lot of people in Montana who need help keeping those grizzly bears away. So what I would do is go and shoot the grizzly bears that trespass on people’s property. That way I’ll be doing a public service, and people will remember me as the man who saved them from all those stupid bears. I’ll be like http://www.lsjunction.com/people/crockett.htm" title="Davy Crockett">Davy Crockett or http://www.americanwest.com/pages/boone.htm" title="Daniel Boone">Daniel Boone or http://jdwayne.tripod.com/" title="John Wayne">John Wayne.

I’ve got a great name picked out for my business and I want to get it trademarked. That way, I’ll own it. The name of my business is perfect, are you ready for it? Here goes. It’s “Go Griz!� Get it? “Go Griz!� Am I going to have any trouble getting that trademarked?

Ned in Newark


July 11, 2005


Dear Ned,

No way man! You’re not going to have any trouble getting “Go Griz!� trademarked. While you’re at it, you should make sure to trademark other variations such as “Let’s Go Griz!� “Here We Go Grizzlies!� and http://www.umt.edu/urelations/MainHall/899/song.htm" title=From the tummy of the Grizzly Bear!">"From the tummy of the Grizzly Bear!". Couple words of advice though, if either the press or the governor asks you if you’re really trying to own the name, say no. Then just http://www.newwest.net/index.php/main/article/the_last_best_load_of_crap/" title="just carry on">just carry on.

Nate


July 15, 2005

Dear Nate,

http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/H._L._Mencken" title="H.L. Mencken said">H.L. Mencken said “There comes a time when every man feels the need to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and start slitting throats.�
Well, I’m not a man, but my palms are sticky with spittle and there’s a knife clenched between my teeth. I’ve called the Missoula valley home for longer than you’ve been alive and the place is going to hell in the proverbial handbasket. I looked to the upcoming mayoral election for signs of hope, but I haven’t found any.

Go ahead, let the candidates prattle on in http://www.newwest.net/index.php/main/article/2231/" title="New West">New West and the http://www.missoulian.com/articles/2005/07/06/news/local/news04.txt" title=Missoulian>Missoulian, beside pachyderms http://www.missoulian.com/articles/2005/07/24/news/local/znews03.txt" title=pachyderms>pachyderms and at the behest of the http://www.missoulachamber.com/" title="chamber of commerce">chamber of commerce. Let them talk about community input and fire departments and growth planning. All their talk smells like the stuff left over by the horses that used to live in the field next to my house, before it became a 580 unit subdivision.

I’ve got some ideas about what this town needs and I’d like to share them with you over the next few months. I missed the deadline to register as a candidate for either mayor or the city council, but I think I want to take it upon myself to run a shadow campaign. Sort of like http://www.kucinich.us/" title"Denis Kucinich">Denis Kucinich). I want to say what I think is happening in Missoula, and what should happen in Missoula, despite the fact that I stand no chance of getting elected. I will share these views, in letter form, with you, and you may do with them whatever you wish. My only request is that you commit yourself to working for my informal campaign, and my campaign only, until just before the primary election in September and/or the general election in November. At those times when, if circumstances dictate, either you or I may endorse a candidate.

Is it a deal?

Angelita Cutthroat
Jackson Street
Missoula, MT 59802


July 20, 2005

Ms. Cutthroat,

It’s a deal, just so long as I can continue working for a certain other political campaign which I am hoping takes national precedence in three years.

Yours,
Nate Schweber
Ad-hoc assistant refrigerator stocker for the Committee to Elect Brian Schweitzer for President, 2008.


July 27,2005


To: Gov. Brian Schweitzer
Office of the Governor
State Capital
P.O. Box 200801
Helena, MT 59620-0801


From: George Dennison
Main Hall
University of Montana
Missoula, MT 59812

CC: Nate Schweber
New York City


Brian:

You fiend! What kind of a Bannana Republic are you running in this state? The last you dared set foot in my town you fluttered about in a helicopter to avoid my wrath. Well you can’t run this time.

Don’t you know it isn’t easy being the President of a Major University in this state? I’m an old pro at this, Brian. I know how the game is played. The days of groveling before the Board of Regents for piddly little funds to keep coal in the heaters during the winters are over. These days it’s big names, big money, big business. When I took over this university, the campus looked like a shantytown. Now it looks like Tokyo. From the Gallagher Business Building to the Adams Center to the new recreation center recreation center, I’ve left a legacy here that would make Ozymandiasweep.

Don’t argue with me Brian. Where were you when those freaks in their rubber rafts were floating down the Ruby River, right through my friend James C. Kennedy’s property? Forget your pet cause of calling the National Guard home from Iraq to fight forest fires, we needed the National Guard to stop that hideous display. Everybody knows I want Kennedy’s dollars to build that new Journalism building and I won’t be thwarted by blunders from the likes of you. I’ve outlasted governors twice as dumb as you are, and whether your next move is as a champion to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue or back up to Whitefish with a bootprint on your rump, I’ll still be here.

You say you want to encourage more motion pictures to be shot in Montana, but did you ever think about what your inaction is doing to the people in our state who actually are on TV? It’s weirdos like those rafters who are putting Montana’s stars on the Endangered Species List along with the black footed ferret and Democrats in the Flathead.

We already lost Mel Gibson. He sold his ranchnear the Beartooth Mountains in February and bought an island in the South Pacific, despite opposition from the native Polynesians who said no Aussie could ever own the land where their forefathers are buried. “I’d sooner tangle with a rugby team full of Polynesian boxing champions, drunk on home brew and wild with ancestral pride, rather than face-off with access-rights Montanans,� Gibson told me. There goes my hope for a Passion-of-the-Christ-Sized donation to the George Dennison Theatre.

And look what you’re doing to Huey Lewis. Sure you met with himat his ranch in May, but why didn’t you station the National Guard on his property to keep away anglers? When Hip-To-Be-Huey was in Bob Ledbetter’s class in March lecturing about the history of rock n’ roll, he told me in confidence about the horrors of having his property overrun by fishermen. “It was like the storming of Normandy, and I was a Nazi,� he said. By not protecting this man you are jeopardizing a potential donation to the George Dennison Music Conservatory.

What about Tom Brokaw? He confided in me about his terror of a family member being hit by a stray bullet. “Honestly,� he told me, “I’m considering moving to Harlem or Watts where I’m less likely to get shot.� The National Guard surrounding his property could seal the deal on the new George Dennison Broadcast Mecca.

Don’t even get me started about how your inactions have strained my relationships with Charles Schwab and Phil Jackson. And my god man, are you trying to kill (italicize “kill�) David Letterman? If ever there was a Montanan in need of National Guard protection it’s him.

Remember, this letter is for your eyes only, no matter what any pesky Missoulian or AP reporter tells you about our correspondence being public record. Whatever you do, do not let this letter fall into the hands of journalism school dean Jerry Brown. He burned me once on this one, and now he’s on a list that would make Nixon’s enemies look the list of boys and girls who will get presents from Santa.

I’ve copied it to Nate Schweber to give warning that if he pipes up on this matter again like he did with that ill-advised letter to the Missoulian a few months back, the $90 figure which constitutes the amount of dollars he still owes my university in unpaid parking tickets might just see its decimal point bounce a couple digits to the right due to an “accounting error.� Believe me, we know how to use those to our advantage at this university.

Look upon my works, ye Mighty,

George


July 28, 2005


Dear George,

Hey man, mum IS the word.
[End of article]