Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)
Knock Knock. Who’s There? Missionaries!
I suppose I could put up a No Soliciting sign...
By Bob Wire, 9-03-09
The Mormons came to my door Tuesday. It was just after lunch, and I was hunched over the laptop, writing captions for about 100 photos. When Houdini started barking, I clicked save and got up from my chair with an old man sigh.
I opened the front door and there they stood, two young white guys in ill-fitting black suits, white shirts and black ties. They each had a bookbag over his shoulder. I looked them up and down for a moment.
“Elwood. Jake. What can I do for you?”
“How is your day going?” said the first one, introducing himself with a name I forgot immediately. I’ll call him Ezekiel.
“Oh, pretty good. I’m kinda busy. Working on deadline. Wrapping up a book.”
Ezekiel saw his opening, and brightened. “Oh, really! What kind of book?”
I resisted the urge to say it was called “Hitler Was Right,” and told him it’s a screwball travel guide to roadside attractions and such in Montana. I repeated that today was the deadline.
“Have you heard of the book of Mormon?” asked the sidekick, whom I’ll call Abraham. His partner produced a copy out of thin air.
Yeah, I’d heard of the book of Mormon. I’d had one thrown at my head, actually. My starter wife back in the 80’s was a Mormon. Well, a jack Mormon. She’d come to college and engaged in all the behavior that is forbidden to Mormons, as well as some that is forbidden by state law and polite society. That’s what attracted me to her in the first place. We became engaged, despite the warnings of all my close friends, who put down their bongs long enough to tell me that I was making a huge mistake.
Her parents hated me from the day they visited our first apartment, and saw our Christmas tree we’d decorated with a 20-foot chain of Coors pop tops. They pegged me as the one who’d corrupted their daughter, and bounced the book off my head, suggesting that I read up on their faith. The book was nothing compared to the ashtray their daughter hurled at me one night, leaving a scar under my left eye. To sum up our marriage, I was a battered husband. Hell, I was battered and deep fried.
“Yeah, I know all about the book of Mormon,” I told the young missionaries. “But before we go any further, let’s not waste your time or mine. I’ve got the spiritual department taken care of. Very comfortable with my beliefs.”
“Do you mind if I ask what religion you are?” asked Ezekiel, picking up a gauntlet that I hadn’t thrown down. Abraham poked him and gave a small shake of his head. Ezekiel gently brushed his hand away, looking me in the eye. It was the old good Mormon, bad Mormon routine.
I stood there, shirtless, idly scratching my chest. Why is it that I’m always shirtless when the Lord’s Solicitors come to the door? “I am what you’d call a secular humanist,” I told Ezekiel, hoping the phrase would befuddle him. I’m also an atheist, but for some reason I held the A word in check, my ace in the hole. My haymaker punch.
“So you think that humans are essentially responsible for all their own spiritual needs?” he said, making an imaginary ball with his hands. Abraham stood off to the side, looking at me with about as much interest as a dog gives a calculus textbook.
“No, man,” I said, being drawn in in spite of myself. Damn it, I was on deadline! “No, I believe in the power and the energy of the earth itself. It has more in common with the Native American view that the Earth doesn’t belong to us, we belong to the Earth.”
Ezekiel’s eyes widened. Here was something they’d covered in missionary school! “Well, did you know that the Native Americans believed in God?”
Horseshit, I thought. “Really,” I said. I’d had enough. It was entertaining for a few minutes, but I was starting to feel like a cat playing with an exhausted mouse. “Look, fellas, I can dig that you guys have a mission to serve. I’m kind of a live and let live guy, but you’re wasting your breath on me. I’m set. I’m good. I wish you both well, and good luck.” I shook their hands, and they left the porch.
Five minutes later, as I was settling back into my rhythm of writing 15-word captions, I glanced at the clock. The school bus would be here soon, so I jumped up and grabbed Houdini’s leash so we could walk down the street and meet Speaker and Rusty at the bus stop. We were passing our neighbor’s house, and the two missionaries were leaving their driveway at the exact same moment. Awkward.
I fell into step beside them. The acknowledged me with big smiles, probably thinking they could take another run at this shirtless, godless heathen who decorated Christmas trees with beer can tabs. I couldn’t see a way out.
“What’s your dog’s name?” asked Abraham, kneeling down to scratch Houdini behind the ears.
“Brigham,” I said. “Brigham Young.”
[Bookmark NewWest.net/BobWire and make this blog a part of your healthy breakfast.]
Stumble It!
I want to know what their success rate is. How often do they stumble upon a person who has never heard of Mormonism and is actually taken in by their spiel(I'm talking about in the USA, not other countries)
Comment By Zane K., 9-03-09I have to wonder what the economic impact of driving around spreading the faith is. And whether or not they offset it by buying up carbon credits. I think I may have to guilt the next missionary at my door with that one...
As always Bob, highly entertaining. Keep it up.
Thanks for being polite to them. There are a lot worse things that 19 year-old kids could be doing.
And it only takes a couple of months into their two-year mission to get past anything that truly shocks them. As they go door-to-door during the day you can be sure that they see all kinds of interesting people. You were probably a very mild example of someone who believes differently and/or has a different lifestyle.
Bob: Bring'em Young. Many. Often. The young man's dream.
But the two year mission, totally financed by Dad and Mom, lets them grow physically, emotionally, and still keep their eligibility. Especially for Polynesian acolytes. 24 year old senior linemen make a difference in the WAC and PAC10.
They are pretty carbon neutral. Ride bikes. Live in poverty. Learn humility. It sharpens the desire to make a shit load of money down the road, by whatever means you can, accompanied by hard work and long hours.
Now if they just would explain Senator Harry Reid.
As a former Mormon Missionary to England myself, I must say you brought back some great memories for me.
I must have come in contact with a few thousand folks just like you in my two years. Thanks to you for your good nature and humor.
I remember being chased off a man's property in England as he yelled "Yankee Go Home" (that's the pg version).
Being the cheeky son of a sailor, I responded, "Well if it wasn't for us ****Yankees you might be speaking German right about now.
Interestingly, my companion was actually from Germany.
He was not ticked because we were Mormons, he was ticked because I was a Yankee..
It was not until years later, as I studied history, that I realized the genesis of his anger. After the War in Europe the English lads came home and wondered where all the young lassies had gone..
They had come to America with GI Joe, as war brides.
Only then did I truely realize their anger at any American. This was nearly 40 years after the War had ended.
They said, not only did the Yanks have the best duds, cigarettes, etc. but they stole our women too.
The LDS Church adds about a million new members every 3 years or so, Worldwide.
You may be surprised, but some of the most productive American missions are in actually Utah.
Anyway, thanks for your sense of humor, and for treating the Elders with a little dignity.
Good Luck to you
aj arizona
I am a mormon, once a missionary, and I burst out laughing at your article. Very funny. If only all disinterested people could relax, say no thank you, and pass around a good chuckle.
Comment By WolfBite, 9-03-09All the poor suckers I baptizes in South America, they would say no , we would persist, next thing ya know we had 40 down by the river. Met a lotta nice people, heck I suppose there are worse things than bein Mormon....like belonging to the church that Sarah Palin goes to. BOB, Next time they come around fiegn a bad back and ask em to mow your lawn ...they probly will!
Comment By Mike the California ex-pat, 9-03-09Daelin82: I went on a Mormon mission in Pennsylvania back in the late 80s. The success rate for door-to-door contacting was pretty low. Most conversions come from people who have Mormon neighbors or family members. I think the door knocking is just to keep missionaries busy during the day and help develop conversation and contacting skills.
Bob: Thanks for the write-up. Brought back lots of memories of interesting people I met.
Bob,
I had missionaries on my door step about a month after my boy left for basic.
After exchanging pleasantries I asked if either one of them was in some way physically handicapped. They replied they lived a clean lifestyle and both were in fine physical condition. Then I asked them why, in a time of war, they weren't serving their country instead of littering my door step on a pledge drive to persuade me to join a cult that demands 10% of my wages or I won't qualify for a temple recommend (no temple, no 3rd glory, hence no planet).
Blank stare....
"We didn't mean to get upset, we just wanted to....."
I stopped them in mid-sentence, asked them to wait a minute and returned with Air Force enlistment info Mike had left in his bedroom.
As I presented it to them I told them if they wanted to make a real difference, serve their country, we as Americans don't need any more self-serving Mormons that put their religion before the US of A.
They thanked me and left.
I have a friend who responds to missionaries with, "Hold on while I adjourn the coven and then you can come right in."
Comment By mtnplace, 9-08-09Thank you, thank you for the laugh. Growing up in Idaho you know who those well dressed guys in pairs on bikes are. But they are way more polite than the Jehovah Witneses. Years ago when we lived in Moses Lake had Witnesses try to shove my door open.
Comment By Ren, 8-22-10Men in the Mormon church think they are going to become "gods" just like GOD. is to us, that is, if they behave themselves here on earth. They will be given a planet to reproduce and rule over, with sister wives to populate it. Hundreds, if not thousands of mormon men having sex with a different sister wife every night so as to impregnate them and win rewards for themselves in their virility of whose planet can grow and be most successful fastest.
Only one problem....READ THE BOOK OF ISAIAH in THE BIBLE and then tell me how men in the mormon church can justify their actions. God states that He is alone in the universe always and forever there is no other God. OOOps the family fun,( extremely friendly so they can have their own planet, not because they REALLY want to be your friend) mormons made one mistake in the huge plan of it all. One mistake that is their total downfall, one mistake that can never be taken back, and that is to believe this rubbish. No ladies, you won't have any say....you are nothing but a BREEDING MACHINE (if you're one of the lucky chosen) sister wife who shares your master god husband with 5, 10, 50, maybe 100s of other women.
I'm not lying, look it up....it's all true. I have not spoken one untrue word here. The history of the mormon church taught several wives, the only reason they stopped was the law of the land. They still believe all this, the smart ones know. My friend is 40, born and raised in the church, granted, not a regular attendant,still, when i told her this she called me a liar. She picked up the phone and called her 70 yr. old mother whose entire family is traced back to Brigham Young, asking, if what I had just told her was true. As we both listened she had the look I'd seen a million times when she knew she had beat me at somthing, sharing the phone to listen, the reply came back in the soft spoken kindly tone: "Yes, Lee...that's what we believe in the church" and then she made some quick chit chat as my friend got off the phone quickly. She slammed down the phone, looked me in the eye and said in her nastiest tone: DON'T EVER TALK TO ME ABOUT RELIGION, EVER AGAIN.
When I told one woman, she told me her son would explain it, I just didn't understand it. He never showed, neither does EVERY missionary I ask to come in and then ask them to justify this belief using ONLY the bible. They smile, say they will be back with their Pastor/Bishop/Elder and I never see them again. The woman, much older than me that I told said that even if what I said was true, she didn't care. She would never give up her house worth probably about a million, or her husband, not matter what. She worked to hard to find a man that would give her a home like that.
Just my input......x mormon Ren