How To Spot a Terrorist

By Bob Wire, 9-23-09

When it comes to identifying potential terrorists, racial profiling is not only controversial, it’s also unreliable. That shifty-eyed dude with the beard and the burnous skulking around the cafeteria at the hospital? He’s probably just a janitorial supply salesman who’s gauging the quality of the floor wax.

Crackers and radical Islamists seem to be the main groups that are providing the world’s supply of pinch-brained reactionaries. Right here in the U.S., in the Dirty South, there is a faction of inbred racists who are constantly plotting to have places like Alabama secede from the United States. Fine, I say. I’ll sign the peckerwood petition, as long as you take Texas and Mississippi with you. And what about the hardcore Islamists? Last I checked, they are still pissed off at our shallow, vulgar way of life and want to literally destroy our culture.

So, while you can’t finger people purely on appearances, there are some telltale signs that you should note, and keep your antenna up.

1. The neck beard. Terrorists seem to favor the huge, unkempt black neck beard, but no mustache. The beard bunches up under the chin, making them look like they’re trying to carry around a bear cub without using their hands. And, unless the suspected terrorist has a large flat-brimmed hat and is dressed in white shirt, black pants and suspenders, and is driving a horse-drawn cart in Western Pennsylvania, he has no business wearing a beard with no mustache.

2. Raging B.O. The Department of Homeland Security doesn’t talk about it much, but terrorists are so busy hatching their poorly thought-out plans to blow up this center of Western finance or that playground of sinful excess, they rarely take the time to bathe. They stink. They smell like the bedroom of a 13-year-old boy after a sleepover with six buddies. Why do you think Richard Reid, the original shoe bomber, was exposed? He took off one of his loafers on the plane and the stench was so rank that he was immediately tackled by his fellow passengers, who then discovered that he was a terrorist. So if a raunchy-smelling man with a large neck beard and a wild look in his eyes asks you to hold his bulging duffle bag at the airport, you should probably tell him to go pound sand.

3. Rapid speech in a language other than English. If you see a swarthy man with a neck beard talking in a rapid-fire manner to another swarthy man in a neck beard, and punctuating his speech with a raised index finger, he might just be planning some kind of violent terrorist attack. On the other hand, he might just be talking about that asshole Jerry Jones, and his refusal to raise that giant scoreboard at the Cowboys’ new stadium because the punters keep hitting it. Just listen carefully for the phrases “do-over” and “arrogant shit-for-brains.”

4. Buying weird combinations of stuff at the hardware store. Now, we have to be careful about pointing the finger while at Home Depot, because people usually have a good reason for a weird shopping list. I once stopped at a Walgreen’s on my way to a music festival in Seattle and bought a jar of Vaseline, some high speed camera film, some black panty hose and a single ticket to the festival. The clerk at the register was unfazed, and told me to “have a good time.” But when you see a swarthy, neck-bearded fellow loading up his shopping cart with lengths of steel pipe, detonation cord, buckets of gunpowder, boxes of nails and several small wind-up alarm clocks, there’s only one thing to do. Make sure he’s also buying safety glasses.

5. Presence of a penis. If the suspected terrorist does not have a penis, then she is a woman, and therefore not a terrorist. There are no female terrorists, the same way there are no male kindergarten teachers.

6. Lack of a ski mask. Thanks to hijackers, bank robbers and stick-up men everywhere, a person wearing a ski mask is an immediate cause for alarm, even if they are actually skiing. But when you see a guy with a huge neck beard and a permanent scowl not bothering to cover his face while committing a felony, you should probably make sure your affairs are in order. He doesn’t care if anyone can identify him, because he’s going down, and he’s taking all of you infidels with him. Not good. Hell, if your airplane is hijacked by a dude wearing a ski mask, relax. You’ll probably be landing someplace warm like Cuba or Dubai.

7. Facebook page full of anti-U.S. sentiments. Most terrorists also don’t update their status very often, and when they do it’s something like “The Western Empire of Sin will pay for their evil existence by spending eternity burning in the righteous fires of our vengeance.” Really, just overall poor Facebook etiquette. Plus, they never take the quizzes.

So, while the FBI, CIA, NIS and Dept. of Homeland Security thankfully continue to uncover random terrorist plots here and abroad, we as citizens also need to be vigilant and not depend entirely on Uncle Sam to protect us from another attack. I hope these helpful suggestions provide some useful information to you, and you might use them to spot or even foil an honest-to-god terrorist. Your fellow Americans are counting on it.

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