Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)
Mr. Coffee, Meet Mr. Fist
They can put a man on the moon, but they can't make a coffee maker that lasts three years?
By Bob Wire, 11-22-09
I have a phrase I’ve used in my professional life that’s followed me my entire career. Anyone who’s worked with me knows the phrase, as I’ve invoked it early and often everywhere I’ve worked: NWBC. No Work Before Coffee. Bosses and underlings alike have come at me with a question or problem shortly after I’ve arrived at the workplace, only to be shown the palm of my hand, and be told, “NWBC.” If pressed, I have always shown them why it’s unwise to expect anything lucid or productive (or even civil) before I’ve had my morning cup. I won’t go into detail here, but let’s just say it’s a good thing I work alone. And I’ve never been convicted of assault.
For most of us functioning adults, we just can’t start the day without that steaming mug of joe. It’s not just the caffeine, but it’s also the ritual, the comfort of the warm cup between the hands, the jolt of heat and aromatic bitterness with every sip. There’s also the communal aspect, taking a little time between work crises to slurp a little mud with your coworkers and talk about who got beat up and/or lucky over the weekend.
So when there’s no coffee, there’s no life. There’s no light. There’s no liftoff. I’ve run out of coffee before, but there’s always been some backup plan, some forgotten stash, some workable alternative. Run out of filters? Use a paper towel. Sugar’s gone? Honey will do in a pinch. Last time I ran out of coffee beans, I rooted through the camping box until I found a packet of instant. The kids were asking their mother why daddy was swearing at the camping box.
Last Saturday, though, was a worst-case scenario. I’d hosted a poker game the night before, and Barb was out of town. I had to get up early with the kids, and I needed that java more than usual. I ground the beans, filled the Mr. Coffee with water, and pressed the GO button. I headed for the shower, knowing a fresh cup would be waiting for me by the time I dried off.
But when I padded into the kitchen after washing off the stink of my poker defeat, Mr. Coffee had Mr. Completely. There was no coffee. I pushed the BREW button with increasing fury and despair, and it soon became clear that this three-year-old contraption was dead. I checked the cupboard. No instant. I went to the garage and rooted through the camping box. No dice. Only hot chocolate and tea, and a half-empty can of Vienna sausages. (They tasted like they might have gone bad.)
I went back upstairs to the Mr. Coffee, which is some fancy model that was designed to look like someone’s idea of the future in 1982. In three years, I’ve replace the carafe four times because it breaks if you so much as fill it with hard water. It’s got an LED analog clock, auto shut off, and all sorts of bells and whistles. It beeps when the coffee is ready. It beeps again when it shuts off. It filters the water. But now it wasn’t doing any of those things. It was just depriving me of my morning cup of jamoke. I punched Mr. Coffee right between the eyes, cracking the housing.
“Kids, get your coats. We’re going to the store.” Rusty and Speaker had watched my increasing panic over the coffee crisis, and were smart enough to go along without argument. “NWBC,” I heard Rusty whisper to his sister.
We drove to Albertson’s, the closest place I could score a triple latte before I continued my quest for a new coffeemaker. “I’ll tell you what,” I said as we pulled into the parking lot. “I am DONE with Mr. Coffee. That cheap piece of crap doesn’t deserve the name. Mr. Coffee is an a-hole.” The kids chuckled in the backseat.
We entered the store and I went straight to the coffee bar. As I was looking up at the menu board to see what they call a Large here, the woman behind the counter said, “Just so you know, our espresso machine is broken.”
I looked at her and my eyes must have signaled impending homicide because she quickly added, “But we have plenty of drip coffee!” Placated, I bought a Grande drip coffee. Then we walked through the appliance aisle, where they offered three different models of Mr. Coffee. “Fuck Mr. Coffee,” I said, sipping my hot joe. The kids repeated my exclamation as we marched out of the store.
I’d taken a few minutes to eyeball the ads in the Sunday paper before we left the house, and I decided to pull the trigger on a very nice KitchenAid model that was on sale at Sears. I’ve gone through a parade of $30 coffeemakers over the years, and I figured that I’d bite the bullet and spring a hundred bucks for this deluxe model that comes with a lifetime warranty. Hell, I thought, after four or five years, it will have paid for itself. Clinging to this desperate logic and my near-empty Grande cup, I wheeled into the Sears parking lot, which was strangely empty. We drove slowly by the front doors.
“They’re closed,” said Rusty, nose pressed up against his window.
“They don’t open ‘til 11:00,” said Speaker, reading the store hours on the door. I looked at my watch. 10:05. I needed a coffeemaker NOW. I wanted desperately to just go home, hook up a new machine, brew a pot, and read the Sunday paper while watching some football. Is that too much to ask? Yes, said Sears.
So we drove to Shopko, which was open. Ha! I’d already had enough of this turd hunt, and the kids were anxious to get back home so they could continue screwing off. We made our way through the store to the home appliance department. There was a decent variety of coffeemakers, but nothing like that glorious KitchenAid I’d seen in the Sears circular. There was a basic Mr. Coffee, on sale for half price: $19.99. “Screw it,” I sighed, and I grabbed the box. As we walked toward the cashier, Rusty grabbed my sleeve.
“But what about ‘fuck Mr. Coffee?’” he said.
I pulled my sleeve free of his grip. “NWBC, sir. NWBC.”
[Feel free to forward this column to your caffeinated friends. Bookmark NewWest.net/BobWire for your daily jolt.]
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Bob, ya gotta get yourself one of the coffee maker things that you just pour boiling water into and let it soak for about five minutes. Makes damn good coffee and they never break. Great for emergencies, camping, or just when you want a different taste.
Comment By Brian, 11-22-09Larry's referring to a French press, and I agree. I haven't made drip coffee in years. Just grind the beans, add hot water and you're ready to go in minutes. I recommend the stainless steel Nissan press, it's like $20 at Amazon and it won't break like the glass Bodum ones most people get.
Comment By David, 11-23-094 min, not 5. After a 4min, you can start over-extracting the coffee which can lead to unpleasant flavors. A chemex is my brewer of choice. It's another style of manual brewing that will remove some of the oils from that a press leaves.
You get what you pay for. If you can buy it at walmart, don't plan on it lasting more than a year. go to.............
http://www.coffeegeek.com This site i refer people to all the time who are looking to purchase a home brewer. try to find one that brews water at 200F. We brew 203F at our shops but you can't really find a home brewer that reaches that optimal extraction temp. Best of luck.
Thanks for the tips, Brian and David. Ya know, I was wondering and maybe you guys know, but is the caffeine level about the same for coffe brewed this way? You see, I gotta have max caffeine when I drink coffee. Thanks in advance.
Comment By Bob Wire, 11-23-09Thanks for the info, guys. I'll look back on this around next Easter when this current POS breaks down. David, I've read that just by letting the boiling water sit off the burner for one minute, it reaches optimum temp.
One of the reasons I like a programmable brewer vs a French press is that I don't want to have to stand there and make the coffee. I want to push a button and go put out the next fire.
Thats exactly why i only press coffee on the weekends or at work. If you go to the website i suggested, they review all quality home brewers. For the money, capresso is about the best programmable brewer. French Press/Chemex is about the best quality brewer.
Caffine content doesn't really change much based on brewing preparations. Roast level affects caffeine more so than anything. The theory we are currently testing is that darker roast (french, italian) have less caffeine than lighter ones. Although, we are talking about 5mg give or take. Want caffeine, eat some really good chocolate covered coffee beans!!!
We take it off the boil for 20-30sec. Guess it depends how much water you're using.
Best machine ever: A Zojirushi with the best thermal carafe - three hours after you make a pot it still tastes fresh. $80 online. However, there are numerous chances for operator error which can lead to a nice pot of coffee on the floor, which your dog will then lick up and barf somewhere convenient.
Comment By Bob Wire, 11-23-09"numerous chances for operator error" while trying to brew the very rocket fuel that will combat this problem? If that ain't a catch-22, I don't know what is. But I'll take a look at it anyway.
I think the issue here is quality of coffee vs convenience. I'm willing to make some concessions in order to cut down on the dicking around time, but damn, I loves me some good coffee.
This 19.99 Mr. Coffee must have some kind of hidden gas station attachment, because my normally excellent Bob Wire Blend is tasting, well, bland. I can't say I'm surprised, but I will say that Mr. Santa will be receiving a letter with a single item very soon. Will it be the Zojirushi? The KitchenAid? A Chemex? Who knows. But I'll let you know.
Bob - well, sometimes it's hard to make coffee NWBC.
Comment By Barbar, 11-23-09Another alternative for your list when you are out of things.... When it is the coffee maker that fails you, make "cowboy coffee". It's been around for as long as there have been cowboys: Add a handful of ground coffee to boiling water, boil for a few minutes, add a little cold water to settle the grounds and there you go. Some also add an eggshell with the grounds-- to help settle the grounds or take away the bitterness.
Comment By Michael Babcock, 11-23-09I'm with you Bob, and that is why I have a number of coffee making tools in my kitchen; most reliable is the coffee pot that I take camping. All black on the bottom with a permanent stain inside. Little metal basket doesn't need a filter. Or, if worse comes to worse, a guy named Bob Wire oughta just be able to chew the beans and drinks some hot water. Works on a number of levels.
Comment By Jonathan Weber, 11-23-09One thing I learned to my surprise is that automatic coffee makers heat the water to different temperatures. Probably the reason your coffee tastes crappy from the POS $19.95 Mr. Coffee is the water doesn't get hot enough.
Comment By Andrew Karlsen, 11-23-09Like Jonathan mentioned, my 19.95 POS coffee maker does not heat the water enough but it also routes some of the water down the side of the brew-basket bypassing the coffee grounds. I mostly use a french press when I have the time.
Comment By Bob Wire, 11-23-09French people have more free time, it's a proven fact.
Comment By Pete Moss, 11-23-09Did you really name your daughter 'Speaker'?
Really? Hmmmmm. speaker SPEAKER Lil Ms. Speaker Wire.
THAT'S THE PERFECT NAME FOR A GIRL. Especially YOURS!.
My coffee maker divorced me.
But I have some surgical tubing, a flat tether ball and a sterno can.
Anybody care to explain to me the key points and crucial steps concerning coffee enemas?
Much Obliged.
What Jonathan said. Coffee taste and strength can also be altered by how loose the grounds are in the brew basket. Pack them a bit and the coffee will be stronger. But it will never taste right if the water isn't hot enough.
We all expect you to fulfill your mission, Bob, and report back. This is a serious matter.
Damn, Jill, that's a lot of pressure. But for the sake of my highly intelligent and impeccably tasteful readership, I'll continue with my research.
Right now it's the Krups FMF5 running neck and neck with the Yojimbo or whatever you call it that you have. The Sears KitchenAid got enough bad marks to knock it off the list. I'm sold on the idea of the thermal carafe.
Of course, a more ambitious lifestyle will tilt me toward the Chemex, which was designed by a scientist. A scientist who drinks coffee.
All these suggestions are great (I went to the stainless Bodum years ago and never looked back).
But what all you very well-intended people are forgetting in your suggestions on how Bob could improve his life is, WTF is he going to write about then?!? How awesome his new French press is? Please. I'm looking forward to the follow-up report on the new POS Mr. Coffee....
No problem. Wire can write about untangling Christmas lights while teaching his kids a lesson about why Harleys and moose go together. Stuff like that.
Comment By Bob Wire, 11-24-09Ah, Jill, you know me too well...
http://www.newwest.net/main/article/tis_the_season_for_christmas_lights_and_cussing/
Try a Bunn for around $100. They're the Volvo of coffee makers. In a good way. No rounded corners, no soft-switches. No "features." Just a hard switch, a heater, and 90 degree angles. If I made drip at home, it's what I'd use. My North-Dakotan in-laws got one ages ago, and swear by it. They haven't gone a day without coffee for like 3 decades.
Comment By Mickey Garcia, 11-24-09"I haven't had my coffee yet. Don't make me kill you!"
Comment By Clarence Worly, 11-25-09Ben! Finally a voice of reason in this forest of coffee maker suggestions. My Bunn was one of the only things I got in the last divorce and has served me well for over 15 years.
Plus it has a heated reserve ready to make a pot on a moments notice, takes about two minutes. Just look in any comercial kitchen at the brand they use. No frills, just makes reliable coffee.
Having suffered the slings and arrows of carafe failure, failed electronics, leaks, I shit canned the last coffee maker and went to the camp box and brought out the old magnum perk-pot. Not pretty on the stove, but functional. Except of course, when your wife drops it and breaks the glass perk sight glass out of the top of the lid. I found something that almost worked, and coffee puddles on the stove top became the norm. And, the wife does not come with a timer in her head to turn off the coffee. Coming home to some coffee sludge the viscosity and taste of burnt Toyo Outbacks is not a good deal. It is she who needs way too much coffee, and NOW!!! and it is I who feared an imminent house fire. So I went shopping when my last social security check came. Due to some accounting error in the past, my check had been too small for a year, and I got a one time additional amount of money. So I bought a Cuisinart $99 coffee maker with all those filters, lights, timers, and foo-fraws....The difference is that there is NO carafe....you put the cup under the spigot, push down on a bar you can feel in the dark, and fill your cup. It even has a spill catcher. The wire filter is gold plated screen. You can use paper filters if you don't want to use the screen filter (and kill trees for your coffee filter? no way.) It has been in use for 6 weeks. Not one problem. Makes fair to middling coffee. I think the water is hot enough. I wouldn't know. But if that is important, I would take a thermometer to the store and ask for the clerk to run a tank so you could test it. How in the hell could a shot of water harm a new unit?? Or a display unit?
But I am thoroughly enjoying the no carafe deal. My wife has only one chance to spill coffee now. And that translates to my only having to drain the Cuisinart catchment basin now and then.
I just can't imagine a better outcome for me and household coffee. God bless technology. I did not look to see where the thing is made, fearful that I am of finding something made in the USA which would lead to expectations that would never be met.
have had a chemex for about 8 months now... got tired of the search for a coffee maker that made decent tasting coffee. swore off mr. coffee years ago when we lived a couple of miles from where they are made in ohio and couldn't get a 2 month old model fixed!!! i LOVE the chemex (and not just because i'm a chemical engineer and the filters remind me of chem lab!) the thicker filters really do make the coffee taste great. and it doesn't take all that long to pour the water over the grounds. next i'm going to get a burr grinder instead of the blade grinder... apparently it will make my morning joe even better... will report back on that one.
Comment By Kajanova, 12-05-09Haha this is was a very entertaining read. I am craving coffee now for some reason...
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