Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)
Vote Ellie, and Vote Often
A lot more people would vote if they gave out cookies. I'm just saying.
By Bob Wire, 6-08-10
If you support the troops, you need to vote in the primary today. If you hate Obama and his policies, you need to vote. If you cook meth in your garage, you need to vote. If you are in favor of raising awareness for breast cancer, you need to vote. If you like sweet and sour pork but could live without the sesame seeds, you need to vote.
Everybody needs to vote.
With this civic duty exhortation in mind, I marched right in to the gymnasium at John Colter Elementary and demanded my ballot. The wizened volunteer seated behind the folding table who looked like she was going to keel over from the weight of her giant name button asked for my name. “I don’t have to give you that,” I told her. “Secret ballot. It’s in the Bible. Look it up.”
“Sir, I have to have your name just to confirm your identity. It won’t be anywhere on your ballot.”
“Oh, I get it,” I said, pulling out my wallet. I handed her my driver’s license, deftly palming her a five-dollar bill in the process. “Just keep it fair, okay?”
“Sir, I can’t accept any tips. This is a polling place.”
“It’s not a tip, Nana. It’s a bribe.”
She shook her head and left the fin sitting on the table. She dragged her finger down the list of names in the Big Book. I saw mine listed right away, having learned early in my school career how to read upside down. I pocketed the fiver and signed on the dotted line, and she returned my license and handed me off to another volunteer. He gave me two ballots and a business envelope.
“Here are your two ballots. You only use one, and put the other one in the envelope. It’s important…”
“If I’m only using one,” I interrupted, “why are you giving me two? This right here is a perfect example of government waste. I only get to vote once, right?”
“Yes, you can only vote once, sir, but I am required to give you a ballot from each party.”
“Oh, I get it. One to vote with, one to wipe my ass with.”
“Sir, if you’d just let me explain. Fold up the ballot that you don’t vote on, and place it in this envelope.
“It’s too small. I need a bigger envelope.”
“That’s why you fold it. Just make sure this tab along the bottom is sticking out.”
“But I won’t be able to mail it like that,” I pointed out.
“No, you’re not mailing it…Sarah, can you check his ID again?”
“Okay, okay, I’m just messing with you. I know what to do.” I took the ballots from his hand and entered the booth. I chose the ballot for my party of choice and read through it. I turned it over. I turned it back to the front side. I stepped out of the booth, ballot in hand. “Hey, man, where’s Ellie Hill on this thing? I’m voting for Ellie Hill.”
Nana looked at me, confused. “Ellie Hill? She’s running in HD94. This is HD93.”
I thrust the ballot at her. “Give me the ballot for HD94.”
She looked at the other two volunteers, then at me. “But, Mr. Wire, you live in HD93. You can only vote for the candidates running for the seat representing HD93.”
“Hey, you can’t tell me where to live and where not to live. It’s a free country last I checked. Now give me the ballot for Hard Drive 94, lady.”
She shook her head. “I couldn’t do that even if we had any. You have to vote with one of the two ballots we gave you. Now go back in that booth!” Her patience was at an end. I returned to the booth, mumbling things about my buddies dying face down in the muck so that we can come to this gym and vote in the democratic process. I found the spot for HD93 representative. Hell, I thought, if Ellie can run HD94, she can damn sure run HD93. I wrote her in, crossing out the “HD93” and writing “High Def 94” above it. Then I wrote in Steve Bierwag for County Commissioner and I was done.
“Hey, I’m out of toilet paper in here!” I called out. After a moment I pulled back the curtain and laughed. The volunteers were all looking at me. They were not laughing.
I was directed to another folding table where a man again refused to accept my five-dollar “gratuity,” and folded and manipulated my ballots. He instructed me to feed the one I’d filled out into a giant shredder. “Some democracy,” I said, sliding my ballot into the machine. They gave me a sticker and I was on my way. As I walked out the front door, I was accosted by some dude holding a clipboard.
“Have you signed the petition concerning CI-105, that would prohibit taxing real estate sales and…”
I cut him off with a steely look and brushed past, telling him, “I’m not taking questions today.” I might have stopped to talk if he were selling Girl Scout cookies. Something to think about, Mr. Real Estate Association signature getter guy. Also, don’t tell me that “realtor” rhymes with “steel door.” That’s just silly.
Somebody recently sent me this quote, attributed to Bill Vaughan: “A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in an election.” That pretty much sums up this lazy-ass society that thinks putting a ribbon shaped magnet on your SUV or signing a petition on Facebook equals doing your part. Get down to the polls and do your part for real. They’re open till 8:00 tonight.
[Bookmark NewWest.net and check back for more wisdom from superpatriot Bob Wire. He’s currently looking for a cheap flight to Costa Rica on Expedia.com. As a gift. For a friend.]
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Comment By Sue Orr, 6-08-10Wow! I don't usually laugh all the way through your blog Bob....but we vote in the same precinct, and I felt the same way, almost wrote Ellie's name in .....did write in a certain attorney for District Court Judge as I think Ms. Townsend should enjoy her retirement. The name badges were bigger than the cute lol (little old ladies).God BLess them. They don't get paid much, we need to get some younger folks down there! Anyway....thanks for the belly laughs!
Comment By Kay in MT, 6-08-10Nana here. At our precinct you would have received chocolate for showing up to vote, a reverse bribe that handily netted us 78 voters over 13 hours.
Thanks making me laugh!
Hey Bob, nice touch. I have been disappointed in the past at the viable candidate options found on the ballot. However this time - not so much. There are plenty of names to choose from. Goodbye Gov. Arnold, Goodbye Senator Boxer. And what is up with these Judges, School Board people and other no name recognition positions? The ballot initiatives are also confusing. I must be doing something right, because all of the propositions on my ballot went the opposite of the way I voted. Hey, maybe I am not so Fruity and Nutty after all.
Bobby L.
Thanks, Bob. Low voter turnout is one of my pet peeves. I know that voting absentee and mail-in ballots keep the numbers down some, but my experience as an election judge yesterday was that voters stayed away in droves. Sheesh. It's democracy and a vote is a class #1 license to complain. Complaining without voting just rings hollow to me.
And, no, the big button didn't weigh me down.
In the New West, the most urban centric part of our Nation, rural voters need only pay attention to the local races and issues, because the urban majority will determine who runs for state or national office, and which entitlements will be passed this election.
Low turnout in the city means the urban dwellers don't have any issues bothering them. They are the satisfied and complacent majority. In rural areas, local government and school issues still are important, and it sort of seems like the harder it is to vote, the more who show up to do exactly that.
Some states have mail in ballots, and in time, the Chicago types will figure out how to rig those, too. In the meantime, if you never had to make an effort to go to a polling place, answer the questions of the blue haired grandma crowd, and entered a booth to mark your ballot, the satisfaction of having voted was much greater then than it is now with the mail in ballot. The mail in sacrifice is buying the stamp to mail the ballot. hubba hubba. The future will be elections done all on home computers. The nerds and internet bandits will control the world. The hackers will elect presidents. Maybe they do now.
'bait, I'll go along with the idea that the greater the effort, the deeper the satisfaction. Having said that, an absentee ballot still counts exactly the same as the ballot of the 99-year-old woman who is driven to the polling place and appears on the news for performing her civic duty. There are many ways to get it done, and when only 20% of the registered voters do so (like yesterday in Montana), a concerned citizen can only scratch his head and wonder what it's going to take to get people off the couch. (Or more likely, out of the computer chair.)
And Geoff, since we voted, we have the right to complain. I'd like to complain about all the people who don't vote.
And speaking of computers, I too am leery of the inevitable movement toward online voting. No way that can be made foolproof, and if anything needs to be foolproof, it's the voting process. I don't want to trade convenience for a protected vote. Sometimes technology is NOT the answer.
As always, thanks for your comments.
We had a unique situation in the Gen state this year. The gubernatorial race was divided between the extreme far right and the “so far right, you have to be a fanatic to vote for this asshole.” Challenger Rex Rammel vs. incumbent Butch Otter.
Otter had around 89,000 votes to Rammel’s 42,000 for the red party nomination. After learning Rammel’s platform, I figured he would receive around 1000 votes from the Nazi’s in Northern Idaho, surly not 25% of the voter turn out in the state. He got nearly double what the blue candidate did, based on the following campaign promises:
The hand of God wrote the US constitution, therefore, atheists will not be allowed to vote or hold public office.
If Idaho is forced to accept national health care, as Governor, he would use the Idaho National Guard to protect our interests against federal agencies that would enforce it.
He called for closed door meetings with Mormon elders to discuss the “White Horse Prophesy” in which Joseph F. Smith for told of a great Mormon leader that would stand up and defend the constitution when it was “hanging by a thread”. He stated he was the guy directed by God to fill that role.
42,000 voters in Idaho are in sync with this fucking nut-job. Oh yeah, he also joked about issuing tags to hunt Obama. Be grateful you live in Montana Bob.