We’re Here, We’re Queer, Get Sued For It

By Bob Wire, 6-17-10

It’s called legislation via litigation, and it’s one of the reasons that the machinery of our democratic process has nearly ground to a maddening halt. Today I read the news that Missoula is being sued by the quivering homophobes of NotMyBathroom.com. Wow, talk about pouring the sand of hatred and fear into the gas tank of government.

Is it something in the water? The Bitterroot Valley has become the conservative yin to Missoula’s liberal yang, it seems. Tea partiers, militia fatalists, Second Amendment worshipers, Bible squeezers, “Celebrating Conservativism,” — these excitable fringe groups seem to thrive in the fertile, beautiful farmland stretching from Lolo to Darby. For every granola-munching, mountain bike-riding, Carlos Castenada-reading, organic farming pothead that shuffles along the streets of Missoula, it seems there’s a Glock-fondling, tax-hating, paranoid, anti-government, Xanax-gobbling, intolerant, landed greedhead NIMBY counterpart down the ‘Root.

As long as these “patriots” (yet another perfectly good word heisted by the right) keep their rallies and gun shows and bible ‘n flag meetings down in Ravalli County, I say more power to ‘em! They can continue to get themselves all riled up, and it might even spur some of these folks to quit cleaning their assault rifles long enough to put down the weapons and pick up a book. And no, I don’t mean Ann Coulter’s latest best seller. Start slowly, maybe a breezy summer page-turner by Ayn Rand. 

You would think there’s enough trouble to go around the Bitterroot to keep the haters busy in their own red neck of the woods, what with coloreds moving in down the block and maniacs trying to establish a medical marijuana dispensary. But the group NotMyBathroom.com is still trying to beat a dead horse that has been dead so long it’s already on the grocery store shelf in a can of dog food. This issue is, of course, the anti-discrimination ordinance that was signed into law in Missoula (yes, that’s located in MISSOULA County, geography buffs) two months ago. The ordinance was crafted to expand the law providing equal protection to citizens regardless of their sexual orientation, to include jobs and housing. Somewhere in there, though, puritanical homophobes imagined the specter of cross-dressers using the wrong public restrooms, intent on molesting and/or recruiting their children.

A petition was drafted and submitted. Petition denied. It didn’t meet the criteria, and suggestions were given about how to correct the problems. Another petition was submitted, with the original mistakes crossed out with a purple crayon, and new language inserted. Still no go. Meanwhile the irony of these so-called constitutionalists trying to undermine the very system of government they claim to love escapes them. The city council, duly elected by the voters, passed an ordinance that by all (objective) accounts was a popular one in Missoula. Where it was passed. Where it takes effect. Not in the Bitterroot.

Here’s another slab of irony for you: In their lawsuit, NMBers are claiming “discriminatory delaying tactics” on the part of city attorney Jim Nugent, who is named in the lawsuit. Yes, you read that right. They are yelling “discrimination” in their efforts to quash the anti-discrimination law. (Give me a second, I’m going to have to set up the irony board.) Talk about the pot calling the kettle gay.

According to today’s story in the Missoulian, the loo loons are upset that they missed their chance to browbeat voters into signing their latest petition at last week’s primary election. So they have obtained legal representation and filed a lawsuit with the city. NotMyBathroom president Tei Nash (he was probably appointed president at that meeting he missed) has lawyered up, and won’t speak to the press. Now there’s a resounding endorsement that you think your cause is just, wouldn’t you say? No word from his partner-in-hate Dallas Erickson, who’s probably got his hands full with his lifelong campaign against pornography. (Has anyone asked him about those stolen blowup dolls, by the way? Just askin’.)

The anti-discrimination law (which NMB calls the “Quit Lookin’ At My Pee-Pee” ordinance or something) was put in place to help prevent discrimination. Period. The efforts of this goofball bunch who live in constant fear and paranoia that the homos are coming to get them are wasting energy and resources on this frivolous lawsuit. Hey, Mr. Family Values, Mr. Super Patriot, Mr. Constitutionalist? Why don’t you buy some big garbage bags and spend your time and energy cleaning up the garbage along the Bitterroot River? Or along Highway 93? Why don’t you put your efforts into helping make drunk driving laws tougher, so we don’t keep seeing stories about some moron with 11 DUIs? Why don’t you read your ever-lovin’ Bible and learn how to live and let live? You have a chance here to allow some tolerance and compassion into our culture, and you’re blowing it.

You want to keep transsexuals out of your bathrooms? Then I want you to keep your guns out of my stores. The next time you feel the need to go into a Starbucks wearing your beloved handgun proudly on your belt for all the world to feel, keep in mind that I just might be in the ladies room, brandishing my own single shooter. If I’m wearing a dress that day.

[Please share this column with your friends. Your unarmed friends. And bookmark NewWest.net/BobWire for a steady supply of eyebrow-raising shenanegans.]

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