BISON HUNT 101

By Kathleen Stachowski, New West Unfiltered 11-11-05

BISON HUNT 101

Students, let’s get started, shall we? Welcome to Bison Hunt 101, the class you lucky tag-winners are required to take prior to Montana’s new and improved bison “hunt.� Before we get into the curriculum, bear with me while I acknowledge the people and agencies who’ve made all this possible: the National Park Service; the Forest Service; Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks; USDA-APHIS – that would be the Animal & Plant Health Inspection Service; our major sponsor the Montana Department of Livestock; and Governor Brian Schweitzer, whose campaign pledge was “greater tolerance� for buffalo in the state of Montana. And aren’t we glad to see that he has kept that pledge – with this hunt, we tolerate more ways to kill’em in Montana! (pause) Um, class, that’s a joke...? (forced laughter).

OK then, let’s get on with it. First, let’s establish some background. Does anyone know how long it’s been since a bison hunt occurred in Montana? Yes, Mike? (Aside: “Mike, quit salivating on the desk, please…�) That’s right, 15 years. It was a debacle -- a massacre -- a public relations nightmare for Montana! Black-Eye City! Whew. Well, if at first you don’t succeed...

Ahem. Who knows why we’re having a hunt now? Tom? Well, no, not because there are too many bison; actually, the concept of “carrying capacity� is problematic: Are we talking the national park – which, by the way, doesn’t provide vital winter-range habitat -- or the Greater Yellowstone Ecosystem, to which they SHOULD have access? Remember, class, when you see numbers for “carrying capacity� cited in the Bison Management Plan, those numbers apply to the park ONLY and are produced by politics rather than science. Try again, Tom? Well, no, actually, brucellosis is a red herring – no bison has EVER transmitted brucellosis to cattle in the wild, and many other animals – think elk, students -- also carry brucellosis….and the list goes on!

Let’s back up. Why do bison leave Yellowstone in the first place? Third time’s a charm, eh Tom? Bingo! They are migratory animals seeking forage on lower elevation lands during the park’s severe winter. Mike, you forgot to raise your hand and no, they are not, as you put it, “barging onto� ranchers’ land; they’re on Forest Service land, which belongs to ALL Americans. You’re understandably confused, Mike, because a small number of ranchers gets huge federal subsidies to graze public lands – costing taxpayers around $200 million a year – more like $500 million if you count both direct AND indirect costs. Your tax dollars at work, my friend! So you see, it just SEEMS like it’s their land, and in this case, the Department of Livestock dictates what happens on it. Calls the shots, if you will. Get it? The shots? Heh heh, I slay myself!

But let’s move on. Please take notes. I’m presenting a number of bullet points – ha, pun intended -- on “Bison Hunting Do’s and Don’ts.� Here goes.

DON’T expect a fair chase. In fact, don’t expect ANY chase. These big guys and gals have few natural predators and frequently treat potential threats with indifference, often standing their ground against wolves. Those who’ve had run-ins with DOL agents, well, let’s just say that a good number of THEM didn’t live to be wary a second time.

DO schlep your trophy home and boast about stalking a practically stationary animal NOT EVEN CONSIDERED WILDLIFE in Montana, NOT allowed to establish a native population under the Big Sky, NOT even afforded any designated habitat in the state. I mean, what’s “fairness� got to do with it, anyhow?

DO remember that as long as wild bison remain in Yellowstone, they are treasured wildlife who captivate millions of tourists from around the world! As soon as they exit the park into Montana, however, they are a “species requiring disease control.� (AND, according to rancher/developer Rep. Dennis Rehberg, Montana’s lone congressman, a NATIONAL SECURITY THREAT... code orange! Code red!) But...

DON’T mention THAT in your post-hunt bull sessions – it just doesn’t have that Hemingway mystique, that T.R. cachet...hey, look at it this way, you’re actually performing a public service for the handful of subsidized private cattle ranchers around Yellowstone! You know, removing the “competition,� which is what it’s REALLY all about. Hey, it’s the American way!

DON’T bother wearing your camouflage gear. As I’ve already mentioned, bison are likely to stand there and watch you approach. Or they’ll continue grazing with an eye in your direction.

DO wear something tasteful, maybe trim your beard. Media interest in this “hunt� is high, Montana stands to get her other eye blackened, and you just might be on national TV. Consider it your 15 minutes of infamy! Hee hee!

DON’T worry about wearing yourself out scouring the 460,000 acres of public land that Montana FWP likes to tout as available to bison. Bison might be found on less than nine per cent of that, and if YOU miss any of the wily critters, Montana DOL agents will pick up where you left off once the “hunt� has ended. So you see, class, long after your coveted tag has expired, your federal tax dollars keep working to haze, capture, and slaughter our nation’s precious native wildlife! Er, I mean, disease-ridden grass-guzzlers!

DO practice shooting at sofas and parked cars – shooting bison has been likened to both of these. (Aside: But Dan, between you and me, make sure it’s a DISCARDED sofa or parked car, OK? One felony conviction is enough, buddy.)

Questions or comments? Mike? Yes, you’re right, these bison are indeed special, and it’s an honor to kill them. They are the last continuously wild, free-roaming herd Americans will ever know, the genetically-pure descendents of the millions who once roamed our country, driven to near extinction in the late 19th century. Pardon me, Dan? Oh, well, they were slaughtered back then – sort of as a public service! -- because they were seen as competition….you know, to settlers and their livestock, to the railroads, and as a vital and sacred resource to the Indians, who were also seen as competition – and so they were “removed.� Hey, it’s the American way! Class dismissed! Now get out there and knock ‘em dead! [End of article]