Beware the Garg-Eaglets

By Randy Harward, 2-13-06

I was about to spin a nice little hyperbole about how ultra-con Eagle Forum prez Gayle Ruzicka, under cover of night, transmutes into a gargoyle-eagle (garg-eagle!) and goes hunting in downtown Salt Lake City just after last call. And how she snatches gay couples as they make their way to Village Inn for--eeeeww--coffee and then, in evitably, home to more serious evils like setting the alarm clock for 6:00 when they know they're really not getting up until 7:00. The Gayle-odactyl would, in this hyperbolic horror-fantasy I'm not gonna write, return to her nest on top of the Capitol Building (they're remodeling her Temple roost) and chew these poor coffee-loving, snooze-hitting saps like Tootsie Pops (Remember the commercial where the owl can't deal with foreplay and has to just bite right through the candy to get to the just-barely-chewy center? Like that!) and savor the intermingling flavors of their root beer flesh, chocolate souls--and cinnamon screams. Delicioussssss...

This would all lead to a gut-wrenching climax, kinda like that movie Spellbinder which has Kelly Preston's only existing nude scene--that's not the gut-wrenching part--and the kind of ending that makes you feel like you've just been lured into the solstice celebration as the sacrificial chump. Only it's not you, it's that guy from Wings, and you tend to really get into movies so you feel like it's your still-beating heart being held rather contradictingly aloft as an offering to a beast that dwells beneath. Anyway, the stomach-churning part is she doesn't swallow, but rather turns to reveal a nest full of demonic little hatchlings, garg-eaglets, waiting for a mouthful of masticated sinner--and you realize that soon there won't be just one Gayle-goyle terrorizing the last-call rush at Village Inn but, you know, lots more.

But hey, no need for colorful exaggeration. The idea that Gayle Ruzicka has formed the Teen Eagles is creepy enough. Gut-wrenching, actually. [End of article]