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Follow the Dirt Road in Your Soul to Humbug Mountain

Growing Grasshoppers for Fun and Profit

By Carol Mell, 7-24-07

	Place this pink grasshopper, fattened on petunias, on your ice cream Sunday as an organic and low-calorie substitute for a Maraschino cherry.

Though I sometimes fancy myself a farmer, grasshoppers are my most abundant crop.

I was complimented on my produce just the other day. I was outside in my pajamas watering my petunias which, by the way, make excellent grasshopper feed. 

“Oh, look,” the lady dressed in white linen said, halting with her gourmet coffee by my overgrown chamisa bushes. “Look at all the grasshoppers. This one is lime green.”

“Uh-huh,” her husband said, responding as most husbands do to anything that really excites us women.

“Look, honey,” we women could be saying, “it’s a baby alien from Mars with seven fingers and three eyes on its nose.”

“Uh-huh,” he answers.

That’s not a criticism of men. Our mutual boredom cuts both ways. I fell asleep during the All Star game. Still, after all my toiling, I was disappointed that the gentleman didn’t take more notice of the fruit of my labors. It’s not everyday you see a lime grasshopper.

If I’d been dressed in sales attire, I could have showed the nice lady my mandarin orange grasshoppers or my khaki camel grasshoppers with the “Iraqi Storm” tank build. The way they are chomping down on my petunias I wouldn’t be surprised to discover the first white grasshopper with pink pinwheels.

When it comes to grasshoppers, I not only have volume but a tasteful variety of styles to choose from in all sizes from petite to super X. I got grasshoppers so big my little dog is afraid to go outside.

Even casual observers can quickly recognize that grasshopper growing is my vocation; my hollyhocks have that Swiss cheese look that indicates contented grasshoppers. And you know what they say about contented grasshoppers. 

Oh, I did try to kill them at first. I wanted their little souls to fry in the flames of purgatory. Then, I began to worry about the repercussions in the spiritual spheres. If I killed I was afraid that maybe it would be my little soul that would feel the burn in the eternal tongues of fire.

If others can turn limes into limeade, I can save my soul and turn lime green grasshoppers into a business opportunity.

I don’t know why I didn’t think of it earlier. After all, my very first business endeavor was in grasshopper retail. Us kids used to catch enough behind the back fence to fill up a fruit jar. Then, we’d ride our bicycles down to the Sugar Bowl Tavern, my Dad’s home away from home, a hallowed place that a kid otherwise could never enter. We got one penny apiece from the bartender. I don’t remember his method of counting and didn’t care because I always got 15 cents, which in those days bought a full sack of penny candy.

Heck, the danged things practically grow themselves. I won’t need a shepherd dog or a pickup truck. I won’t have to hire an aerial spray outfit. I’ll sell them live, to preserve freshness, and to get around the pesky spiritual dilemma of butchering. I won’t be responsible, though, for what happens to them in transit.

“Your new grasshoppers have so many applications around the house,” my clever marketing strategy will spell out on the back of my shiny box.

In addition to common uses for grasshoppers such as bait (the bigger the hopper, the bigger the fish), pet food (tarantulas sold separately) and general plant removal (buy several kits and release them to eat all those troublesome flowers), your fresh grasshoppers have many other creative applications as:

• Grasshopper Pets (jeweled collars sold separately)
• Colorful Christmas decorations (let your imagination go wild)
• Non-toxic toddler toys (keeps the little buggers busy for hours)
• Aphrodisiac (insects in the bed is proven to re-invigorate your pillow talk)

In my studies, I have discovered that grasshoppers like to fatten on parsley, sage, not rosemary but definitely thyme, making them a delectable addition to salad and meat dishes. My numerous mint-flavored grasshoppers will hop right into your white grasshopper cocktail and will keep the cream and liquor stirred. What a conversation starter. Other culinary virtues of grasshoppers have long been known but I plan to refine the gustatory potential way beyond deep-fried and chocolate-dipped. Think of the protein potential in smoothies, cookies, and snack mixes.

Hey, if some clever Frenchman could turn the snails in his garden into escargot, why can’t I turned my all natural, 100percent U.S. home-grown certified organic grasshoppers into a menu item with a Southwest flair? Try my unforgettable “fresh saltamontes adovada with pico de gallo served in a blue corn tortilla.” (Recipe included.)

As we say on the mountain, you are danged if you do and danged if you don’t so you might just as well.

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