Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)
Arguing With the Christians
By Bob Wire, 1-15-08
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It was halftime of the Green Bay-Seattle playoff game on Saturday, and I had just gotten off the couch to promote myself some nachos in the kitchen. Our dog, Houdini, suddenly started barking like mad, and then the doorbell rang. Wow, I thought, it’s almost like he’s clairvoyant. Or perhaps he can see through that big window right next to the front door.
I grabbed my half-full (always the optimist) bottle of Red Hook ESB and went to the door. I opened it up to find two women standing on the porch, smiling warmly, clutching Bibles. I could see their black Lexus parked at the curb at the foot of my driveway. Great, I thought. The freakin’ neighbors have turned me in. Found out I was an atheist and sicced the Christians on me.
“What took you so long?” I said, bracing myself for the intervention. The younger of the two gave me a quizzical look, then took a step forward and opened up her Bible, pointing to a lengthy passage. “I assume you’re familiar with the Lord’s Prayer. When was the last time you said it out loud?”
“Oh, not since the fourth quarter of the Miami-Pittsburgh game. Jesus Christ, did you see that sloppy field? It looked like they were playing in a goddamn barnyard!”
“Um, no,” she said, glancing down at my boxer shorts. I had flopped out. “I missed that one. Um, do you have a robe or something?”
I quickly tucked my Little Toby back in and hastily apologized. “Sorry. Sometimes he just needs some air, I guess. Anyway, I don’t…”
“Our father, who art in heaven…” she began.
“Which,” I said.
“What?”
“Which. I think the original prayer says ‘which.’”
Normally, by this point, I would have had Rusty pour the boiling oil down from his bedroom window, but she was attractive, and had nice legs. So I humored her.
“Well, anyway, the Lord’s Prayer is a passage that can be…”
“I’m an atheist,” I interrupted.
Her cohort, who was positioned on a lower step a few feet behind her, piped up for the first time. “Maybe you’re an agnostic? You’re questioning your faith?”
“Nope. Been a devout atheist since I was 15,” I said.
“Atheist? Really?”
“Swear to God. I have my own blend of spirituality, and it doesn’t involve an old white man wearing a toga. It comes a lot closer to the Native American way of worshiping the Earth, being a part of the Earth. But I’m also an existentialist. A pragmatist.” Then I let her have it with both barrels: “A secular humanist.”
Unfazed, the looker cocked her head a bit, and said, “So you think that the Earth and all God’s creatures were just created out of nothing? You don’t see the hand of God in everything?”
“To quote Lou Reed, I don’t believe in magic; I believe in numbers. It’s from ‘Magic and Loss.’ Great album. I believe in science. I believe in the evolutionary theory. I believe in carbon dating. I believe in the existence of fossils that are millions of years old. I think the Big Bang theory holds some water. I guess I just don’t feel the need to have the answers to how it all began. I really don’t care. I just decided early on that I can’t buy into the whole Judeo-Christian doctrine, man. I mean, come on. A lot of the Bible sounds like a magic show. Turning water into wine? Loaves into fishes? Coming back from the dead? It’s all just a little too much to swallow, really. And Moses parting the Red Sea? I’m supposed to buy that? I’ll bet it was just low tide.”
She started to stammer, but I pressed on. “I’m not saying you’re wrong to believe whatever you want. Each of us is free to have his or her own beliefs, our own faith. I’m a live-and-let-live kinda guy, you know. Whatever gets you through the night. But I also believe that people should not try to cram their religion down someone else’s throat. My values and the Christian values have a lot in common, actually. A lot of the differences between us are just semantics.”
She thrust her Bible at me. “But look in here. It shows how the Lord provides a Kingdom of Man that will allow all of us to live on in eternity after we pass from this world.” She was starting to talk pretty fast, and her cheeks were apple-red.
“Oh,” I said, tucking Little Toby back in after he’d flopped out again to see what all the ruckus was. “We’re gonna pass from this world, all right.” I took a pull off the Red Hook. “We’ve ruined the planet. Fouled our own nest. You ever read any Kurt Vonnegut? Yeah? He was a pretty sharp cookie. He said that it’s too late for us to do anything now. Our species won’t be around for three more generations. James Lovelock? Heard of him? The Gaia theory? This planet is more than just a dirt-covered rock. It’s a collection of systems that makes up one big system. It’s pretty much a living organism in and of itself.” I was on a roll. “The planet is going to be fine. Right now global warming and tornadoes in Washington and worsening hurricanes, all that, it’s not God’s wrath or some Sunday School horror story. It’s the organism Earth trying to rid herself of an irritating pest. The pest is us. The Earth will be fine.”
She exchanged looks with her fellow evangelist, who gave a nearly imperceptible shake of the head, signaling “let’s move on.” But the hallelujah hottie would not give up that easy.
“So, what do you think is going to happen after mankind is wiped from the Earth? Don’t you know that the Lord is waiting for us all in the Kingdom of Heaven?”
“Kingdom of Heaven?” I said incredulously, giving Little Toby a reassuring scratch behind the ears. “You mean Las Vegas? Is that where that is? Because if we all end up in Vegas, well, that would serve this species right. That’s exactly what we all deserve. Sin City.”
Her eyes were shining with frustration and faith-based fervor. “No, I mean Heaven, which is a reward for all those who have accepted Jesus Christ as their savior. If you invite Jesus Christ into your heart, all your sins will be forgiven, and you will have a place waiting for you in Heaven. It’s all right here in the Bible.” Again, she thrust the black book at me.
“You know, I have read the Bible. When I was a teenager. Maybe I’ll read it again. I mean, it’s a good book. Not THE good book, but a good book. I just happen to think that it’s fiction. Kinda like Harry Potter, but with fewer girls.”
A miracle transformation came over her face, as she decided to turn the other cheek. She tucked her blonde hair behind her ears, pulled her sweater tightly around her, and put her Bible under her arm. “Well, ah, thanks for your time. I hope you do decide to read the Bible again, and that you can find some hope in there for mankind.” She lifted her chin at her fellow evangelista, and they walked down the driveway toward their gleaming Lexus.
“Have a good afternoon, ladies,” I called. “Give ‘em hell!”
[Cheater’s Note: I have gone back and corrected a couple of minor mistakes that distracted from the article as a whole. Thanks to those who pointed them out to me. Nobody’s perfect. ~BW]
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Comments
Being an atheist, I guess you don't care which goddamn team wins? To hell with them.
Speaking of Kingdom of Heaven, you are lucky Orlando Bloom didn't show up with a broadsword to joust with Toby.
If a snake charmer had been on your doorstep, would Toby do a decent cobra immitation?
Growing up in the northern Rockies, my vision of the West was that of a society in which religion was a personal and private matter. These days, the West seems to be infested with an inordinate number of luxury SUVs sporting stickers of a counterfeit Calvin kneeling at the cross. (Which, by the way, is a copyright violation, which amounts to stealing, which means that these hypocrites are both breaking one of their commandments AND disregarding Jesus' admonition to render unto Caesar...)
Thanks for a great read.
As an atheist I must say I always find it entertaining when someone shows up unsolicited at my door to try to tell me how great jesus is and how much better my life and afterlife could be if I just accepted him. I always wish, after they have left, that I had gone to the door in a bad enough mood to just shut the door on them. But I'm not usually in that kind of mood till after they've left or I just end up feeling sorry for them wasting their life away going door to door.
Maybe I should stop putting on pants and putting down my beer to open the door. But it sounds like that doesn't make them give up any quicker either.
Those people don't drive Lexi in my part of town but they do drop off way too many copies of "Watchtower" which has goddamn amazing illustrations and graphic design! They must have to give out a lot of candy to get those grade schoolers to do all that work.
Bill Watterson never licensed Calvin and Hobbes and never put out one product with their likeness. You can draw them all day long and put them on t-shirts and you won't be breaking any law. The strip is as untouchable as a towel washed in Downy softener.
with the creation of the work, a copyright exists. whether or not the copyright owner sues, it is potentially state or federal copyright infringement to use the likeness of another's work that is substantially similar. unless the author or owner has deemed it for public use, or it has gone into the public domain.
There once was a write named Bob
Who itched and scratched his Toby until he sobbed
Then one day
The church ladies did say
Stop hanging on your cross like a blob.
Crist, to help those with no hope. You have to realize what the world was like back then. Prostitution, murder, theft, Oh, it sounds just like today! So, why are we going to follow "something" that hasn't helped yet? If your over the age of 10, do you still believe in Santa? I have
got to give those guys credit who actually wrote the bible. They seen how there world was, with no guidance, "We'll tell them "God" told us what to write this, and they will want change SO bad they will follow." Get our friends off drugs, make them smoke some marijuana. Your wife gripes TOO much, make her smoke some marijuana. I bet Jesus knew what marijuana was, he fed it to his followers so they could see him change water into wine. I'll quit rambling, Remember that we are nothing more than what we are.
Science, though, is the most pressurized throat-shover OF all. (except for, of corse, the meek and informed, absurdest researcher)
no?
I should try the "flop-out" secret tech next time I get evangelized. It isn't public exposure if you're still in your own house! :D
You know, as fun as Crazy Scientologist Tom is, I think Crazy Christian Tom would be even more of a gas. Then we'd probably get to see Crazy Christian Tom fight Chuck Norris for the love of Mike Huckabee.
Copyright requires no licensure-
therefore...
Counterfiet Calvins!
Go Darwin Fish!
Maybe an inferiority problem.
I may not live my life as the bible says I should but If I need inspiration people of faith like Tony Dungy have done more to get me feeling good about myself and my community than any bleeding heart liberal.
In fact, I'll go a step further and say that you are even more racist than the white hooded baptist southerners back in the day. Your racism lies assuming that having faith is on our level because you are our caretakers - white guilt ridden athiests are gonna make up for slavery by taking care of the colored folk! We can go ahead and dance in grass skirts and worship whatever we want - as long as we can on the bus to go to the poll station to vote Democrat, your people will keep showing up at our churches asking for that vote.
One day the doorbell rang and there were a couple of young men of the Mormon persuasion. Bill invited them in and launched into a scholarly discussion of biblical studies, citing the Latin Vulgate, Dead Sea scrolls, King James version, the Koran (in Arabic, of course) and the Book of Mormon.
Bill had much of this memorized and demonstrated to the Mormon lads the similarities in passages between these "good" books -- plainly suggesting that ol' Joe Smith was a creative plagiarist.
Meanwhile, Bill's girlfriend of the day, a limber lass of great flexibility and enthusiasm, was walking around in a large dinner shirt -- and nothing else.
The Mormon lads soon decamped. Whether they were enlightened, aroused or throughly confused, only Heaven knows.
Good on ya. I've never had anything clever to say to people trying to sell thei religion to me, other than "No *close door*" and *run away* "F*ck off!"
Although the story is funny, I doubt how accuracy of the specifics.
i also doubt the veracity of your speaking eloquence, because either you are a very well versed person, and can think of responses on the fly, or you modified your actual speech, and made it sound better in this article. but your article was very enjoyable.
can someone answer me this, why are there so many Christian groups/sects/paths that all believe in Jesus, but each has their own church, and doesn't really consider each other "saved." For example, Protestants, Lutherans, Baptists, Methodists, Evangelicals, Catholics, Mormons, Jehovah's Witness, Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, Armenian Orthodox, and the list continues...
:D (Excellent story.)
I usually go with the honest "I'm pagan" attitude...which generally leads to talk of Satan worship. It blows their minds when they find out I graduated from a Christian college.
While I have faith in my own form, I value the "to each his own" point of view. No one should go door to door selling religion.
im a christian, but what i can't stand more than anything is seeing people around me think its right to force feed faith to you, so to speak. it just bugs the crap outta me...
anyway, way to tell em man! i totally wish i knew more people like you, ya' know? free speaking and all that jazz....unfortunetly we live in a society where everybody judges everybody else....
One day a pair of missionaries came to call. While I was talking to them at the front door, one of them noticed the dictionary at the other end of the entry.
"Wow, that's a really big Bible," he said.