Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

Christmas Gift Ideas for Musicians

By Bob Wire, 12-07-10

	No. Just, no.

Musicians are notoriously easy to shop for, because they usually need everything. Rent, bail, legal fees, drugs, booze, health insurance, it just depends on how much you want to spend, and how much of an enabler you’d like to be.

As far as something you can wrap up and slide under the tree, there are lots of specific ideas for gifts that will momentarily capture the wandering attention span of the musician in your life, and hopefully add some quality to his or her existence. The journey of a working musician is difficult and rife with disappointment, rejection, bad luck and faulty wiring. Any joy you can bring into their lives will be deeply appreciated. Just don’t loan them money.

Drummers can always use some new sticks, although they typically break them performing tasks other than what they were designed to do. They may snap one in half trying to force open the car door they’d accidentally locked with the keys inside. No one’s ever broken into a car with a drumstick, but this guy didn’t have time to think about that. He had to hurry and get the top up before the rainstorm hit. Sticks can get splintered and scarred from trying to open a beer bottle, or from trying to pry open an ex-wife’s garage door so he can retrieve his toolbox, the one where he’d stashed his hash pipe back in the eighties.

Another thoughtful gift is a tube of Preparation H and a can of Gold Bond Triple Medicated Powder. A drummer’s throne is not the most comfortable seat, and most will welcome a supply of what they call “taint paint.” Another good idea would be a couple of pine tree air fresheners to hang under the crash cymbals. It’s a clear signal to the guys on the front line that their relentless issue of noxious methane is not appreciated.

Got a bass player in your life? New strings cost about $40 for a set. A half-rack of PBR is around ten bucks. Do the math, and you’ll realize that pretty much every bass player out there is hungover, and badly in need of a new set of strings. Just find out if he or she uses round wound or flat wound, and if they’re one of those show-offs who play a five-string bass. One good thing about buying strings is that they can’t be pawned.

Keyboard players aren’t as hung up on accessories as are the stringed instrument people, but they all need sunglasses. The industry standard is a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarers, which really are the only shades you can wear indoors and not look like a complete tool. Also (and this goes for pretty much any working musician), a classy or funky receptacle that can be used a tip jar would make a thoughtful gift. A pianist or organist can set it on his instrument in many situations, like at a school recital, say, or maybe a funeral.

Another good item for a keyboard player (and a drummer) would be the Stadium Pal. Especially if it’s a long gig, or you have eight or ten musicians onstage, blocking you in. A keyboardist or drummer could be trapped for hours behind their instrument, and the Stadium Pal would provide much-needed relief, especially when you throw in a small cooler and a supply of the musician’s favorite beverage. They’d only have to get up to sign autographs!

Lead singers pose more of a challenge when it comes to buying gifts. Most of them suffer from LSD, an affliction well known to other musicians, but not so much to the general public. Lead Singer Disease has several annoying symptoms such as flamboyant clothing, overbearing arrangement demands, and a predilection for 10-minute power ballads. You could buy a good microphone for a lead singer, like a Shure SM-58, but if he or she is in the later stages of LSD, that won’t be good enough. “What, they didn’t have the KSM9 in the champagne finish?” they’ll say. Just tell them you’re sorry, but you had to buy 40 12-packs of PBR for your bass player friends.

A safe bet for a lead signer will be a lightweight tripod mic stand that they can twirl, or a few cheap feather boas or scarves they can attach to it. ID bracelets and monogrammed luggage will come in handy for when they decide to drop their last name and insist on being called “Rooster” or “Neptunia.” Also, hand mirrors will get lots of use.

Guitar players are probably the easiest musicians to please, the way it’s easy to please a baby or a puppy with a set of shiny car keys or a rubber bone. Don’t bother buying any sheet music or songbooks with actual musical staff. These will not be used until the guitarist finds himself out of toilet paper. Oddly, though, music stands are always a big hit. They are used to hold up set lists, music charts (“Put this finger here. Now put those two fingers there...”), lyric sheets and signed contracts (sometimes looking at that $2,000 bottom line is the only way a guitarist can get through playing “Proud Mary” for the third time at a wedding). An onstage beer holder is a tempting accessory, but my advice is to let the guitarist solve that issue on his own. I was once given a very clever holder that attached to my mic stand, and it held a full pint of beer securely. Trouble was, every time I bumped my mouth into the mic, beer spilled all over my guitar pedals. Good idea, poor execution. Not to mention near-electrocution.

Guitarists love t-shirts that tell the world what guitars they play. Please make sure you are very specific with this. No self-respecting musician will wear a generic “GUITAR!” t-shirt that looks like it came from J.C. Penney’s Chubby Adolescent Loner collection. Find out what kind of guitar the intended recipient plays, and buy him or her a black t-shirt with just the logo on it. Or maybe a club shirt with a loud, repeating guitar pattern. Guitarists have their own disease, somewhat related to LSD. They want to scream to the world that they play the guitar, but they don’t want their clothes to holler about it too loudly. Understated is good. Just because most guitarists don’t have good judgement doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use yours.

Strings, picks, straps, cleaning supplies, all the usual guitar accessories are always welcome, if they’re the right kind. The local music supply store where the guitarist shops will know what brand and gauge of strings he uses, they’ll know what picks he prefers, and what guitar polish he likes. Hell, they’ll even know who gave him herpes. The people at the guitarist’s chosen music store will have a wealth of information about the guitarist’s preferences, secrets, fears, experiences and sexual peccadillos. But their sworn bond of luthier/client confidentiality will prevent them from sharing with you anything but gear-related information. So don’t even try.

Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the idea of some good ol’ Bob Wire music to tuck into their stockings. So get out there, whip out that credit card, and make some musician happy this Christmas. Rock on, shoppers.

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