Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

Global Warming My Ass

By Bob Wire, 6-11-08

	No sir, I don't like it.

Well, I was going to take down the Christmas lights today. But now I may as well plug ‘em in. When I woke up and looked out the bedroom window this morning, my reaction was enough to propel both of my kids out of their beds.

“Dad, what’s the matter?” asked Rusty, reacting to the string of epithets flowing from my room. “Did you have that dream again, where you were a sex slave for Condoleeza Rice?”

“No. Look out the window.” He looked.

“Whoa! Wouldn’t it be cool if we had a snow day?” he said, eyes widening.

Tomorrow’s the last day of school at John Colter Elementary. The kids are on the verge of three straight months of “snow days.” But instead of bundling up swimsuits and beach towels for a pool party, I’m digging out recently-stored snow boots and winter coats.

I can’t see out the front window because the birch tree in the front yard is humped over by the weight of the snow, touching the ground.

The tomato and pepper plants in our backyard garden surely will not survive this, will they? I can see deer on the hill behind our house, scratching their heads and double-checking the date on their complimentary Field & Stream calendars.

But who do I complain to? What can I do? How am I supposed to get my revenge for this cruel joke? I mean, I’ve done my time, man. I trudged through seven long months of this winter wonderland bullshit. I’ve already made the switch from whiskey to gin. I’ve already gotten two sunburns this year. Criminy.

Like the rest of Missoula, I’ll just continue with my day, trying to avoid the inevitable string of fender benders resulting from carefree drivers who fail to remember how slick the roads get when the snow meets the oil on the asphalt.

I know the white stuff will be gone by tomorrow, or even later today. But I still feel like throwing a tantrum, because it just isn’t fair. I should be playing golf. I can’t throw horse shoes when the pits are full of snow. It makes me livid to have to crank on the heat: I’ve earned a lower power bill after writing a half dozen $300+ checks to those ruthless criminals at Northwestern Energy.

Maybe the Republicans are right. Maybe this whole global warming thing is a fairy tale.

[Share this column with a friend. NewWest.net/BobWire. It makes a great Christmas gift!]

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