Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

Grizzlies vs Energy: A Proposed Solution

By Bob Wire, 9-17-08

	"Sure, they call me dick face, but this zoo life is CUSH!"

Rough neckers and chain throwers rejoiced this week when it was announced that the Northwestern Montana grizzly bear population seems to be on the rebound, possibly helping to clear the way for more domestic oil and gas exploration in our resource-laden state. This is good news, right? I mean, I’m pretty sure it was President Bush himself who said “we’ve got to get serious about drilling for alternative sources of energy.”

But how big of a bear population are we talking about here? Researchers from the U.S. Geological Survey announced that, after a five-year study, they identified approximately 765 bears in northwestern Montana. It is assumed that bears do not inhabit the eastern part of the state, even though the cost of living is cheaper.

But I’m thinking that if you’ve got a number of animals that is so small that you can give each one of them a name (“Oh, look, there’s Hector!”), maybe it’s too soon to remove them from the Endangered Species list. I know it’s way more bears than they expected to find (many bears had relocated without leaving a forwarding address after their unemployment ran out), but still fewer than a thousand grizzlies in the fourth largest state in the U.S., well, that ain’t many.

Let’s try to put that in perspective. There are 744 Starbucks in Seattle as of 9:15 this morning. And that’s just on Queen Anne Hill. If each of these Starbucks were given one grizzly bear from Montana, that would leave us with barely enough to supply the petting zoos just in the Kalispell area. I suppose we could supplement them with wolves, but it just wouldn’t be the same.

(For those of you old enough, do you remember when they had a full-grown mountain lion at the Ravalli County Fair petting zoo in the late 70’s? It didn’t turn out well, with 381 kids entering the fair on Saturday morning, and only 324 kids leaving under their own power by Saturday night. Talk about a public relations nightmare!)

But I’m here to help. I have devised a plan to use the Montana grizzly bears to protect large wilderness sectors of the West from the blight and damage that comes with “exploratory drilling” (a term guys used to use before the advent of pantyhose). It’s a little unorthodox, but I don’t think we should turn this into a religious discussion.

There are approximately 175 full-on zoos in the U.S. (“full-on” meaning at least five animals that could kill you, and a zebra). If we sent a grizzly to each of those zoos, that would leave us with fewer than 600. You do the math. I’m a scientist, not a mathematician. Wait, I’m a musician, not a scientist. Dammit, Jim. But stay with me here—if each zoo in the U.S. had its own grizzly, that would at least prevent any oil or natural gas exploratory drilling in and around the zoo, right? That’s the first part of the plan.

The second part is the kicker. Using monies earmarked by Congressional bills, disguised as mundane pork barrel funding, we begin building full-on zoos smack dab in the middle of our country’s most environmentally sensitive areas. “Six Flags Over Pinto Valley” in Nevada. “Arizona Bear and Zebra Adventure” in the Havasu Wilderness. “The Zoo to Nowhere” in Washington’s Olympic Peninsula. “Carcass Country Jamboree” in Death Valley. You get the idea.

Of course, with every brilliant idea there is a down side. Once we start populating all these new zoos with grizzlies, the Montana wild bear numbers would plummet, and we’d have to institute some kind of bear repopulation program. But if we’re smart about it, we use what’s already in place. We could institute Sow’s Night at the Dirty Shame in Yaak. We could carpet bomb the Selway-Bitterroot Wilderness with tequila and faulty condoms, so the male grizzlies would be impregnating the sows even when they think they’re just having recreational sex. (“It’s just physical. You don’t have to call me.”) We could pipe some Barry White throughout Glacier Park. Oh wait, they do that already.

Yes, it’s going to be a long season. But we have to take it one study at a time. I know those grizzlies are out there giving 110%, and we have to stick to our game plan. So we can’t let them down. We’re looking at third down and forever, my bear-loving friends, and I say we take it to the house. There’s too much at stake to just roll over and play dead, and it’s up to us to exploit our ursine neighbors in order to protect that which is most valuable to them: their very habitat.

Go grizzlies!

[Bob is a world-renowned writer and speaker on environmental issues. What? Oh, that’s Bob Reiss, not Bob Wire. Bob Wire is just a local chuckle head. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t subscribe to this column with the RSS thingy down below. Or it might be up above. Dammit, Jim, I’m an editor, not a webmaster!]

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