A Bob Wire Classic™
How To Get the Hot Tub To Yourself
By Bob Wire, 8-17-10
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| "Well, I assume that's a cigar in the water, but who can know these things?" | |
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There’s nothing like soaking in the relaxing waters of a bubbling hot tub, especially during these cold winter months. But for those of us who don’t have our own, we’re at the mercy of the public tub at our health club. I prefer to soak solo, so I’ve compiled a list of things to sprinkle into the casual conversation with other tubbers, and they generally head for the exits. Feel free to use them to gain some hot tub solitude for yourself.
1. For a man with my physical abnormalities, it’s hard to find a bathing suit that fits properly.
2. I will be SO GLAD when I get over this diarrhea.
3. Oh, please don’t turn on the bubbles. I’m raging on acid right now, and I don’t want to go apeshit.
4. Man, this hot water feels great on my hemorrhoids!
5. I hope this water isn’t hot enough to warp my prosthetic leg.
6. (Squinting at the posted rules) I don’t see anything on there about festering sores. Do you see anything on there about festering sores?
7. I heard when they finally cleaned the filter out on this tub, it was crammed with, like, a bushel of pubic hair.
8. I’ve coated myself with Wesson oil so we could fit more people in here. Sorry about the slick.
9. I’m trimming my toenails down here, so watch out for stray clippings.
10. Last summer I drove from Spokane to Ellensburg buck naked.
11. Does anyone mind if I sing the Lord’s Prayer?
12. I like how when you spit your gum out, it just melts away. Cool.
13. Hey, is it okay if I put my feet on your lap, like this?
14. You can hardly tell I just blew my nose in this tub.
15. You think those Jacuzzi bubbles are creamy? Watch THIS. (start grunting)
16. I hope you don’t mind, but I poured a gallon of Clorox in here to kill the germs.
17. Hey, you want to see what a tiny volcano looks like?
18. The lifeguard said I was too filthy to use the shower, so I’m hoping this will loosen some of the grime.
19. They ran out of toilet paper in the men’s locker room. By the way, can I see your towel for a minute?
20. Soon as these bubbles turn off, you can see my flesh-colored thong. Ha ha.
21. Oh, man, this feels good. My muscles are so sore from wrestling kids into my van.
22. You know, these adult diapers aren’t as waterproof as they’d have you believe.
23. This water feels pretty good, but I think it would be better with some Amway Skin-So-Soft. Have you ever tried any Amway products? I’d love to tell you about some of them.
24. Shoot. I forgot to take my cigarettes out of my pocket before I got in. Whoa! I think my Zippo sprung a leak…
25. Boy, this is relaxing. I’ve been so stressed out since my test results came back HIV-positive.
26. Jeez, I have been drinking coffee all damn morning, and never got a chance to go to the restroom. (pause) Whooooooeee, that feels good.
27. I’m testing out a new underwater camera right now. I hope you don’t mind.
28. Man, the inside of my nose is REALLY itchy.
29. This tub must have one hell of a filter, to get rid of all the vomit that was floating in here last night.
30. I feel like I’m finally making some progress with my Tourette Syndrome I JUST CRAPPED.
31. You don’t care if I have my railroad boots on, do you? I couldn’t find my shower shoes.
32. Wow, I didn’t know scabs floated.
33. This sure feels great after a long day unclogging toilets with my bare hands.
34. I don’t know what they mean by “gray water.” This stuff looks pretty clear to me.
35. The bubbles are nice. They kind of tickle my genital warts.
36. Can you believe some woman gave birth in here just this morning?
37. That guy in the green towel, coming this way? He looks like trouble. But don’t worry. I’ve got a knife under here.
38. I just poured eight boxes of Jello instant pudding in here. Looks like it’s starting to thicken up.
39. Whoa, I just found the most disgusting thing in my belly button. Check it out. Hey¬—where’d it go?
40. This is great, isn’t it? I mean, it’s like every single orifice on my body is opening up and saying, “Ahhh.”
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Comments
Personal favorite? The Amway one! THAT would make me flee, for sure!
Now the whole thing is ruined.