I’ll Never Be Mrs. Idaho America

Damn HJR2 and Damn My Scruples!

By Joan Opyr, 9-28-06

As if there weren't enough going on in the world to gag a dog off a gut wagon . . .

A few days ago, I received an invitation from Amanda Feely (call her Mandi!) to enter the Mrs. Idaho America beauty pageant. The rules are simple: fill out and sign the application form, send them a photograph and fifty bucks, and find myself a couple of suckers . . . I mean sponsors. Then, I might, just might, qualify as an entrant. What's the hold up? Well first, although I've been happily married for 14 years, I am not legally married. Under current Idaho law, same-sex couples cannot wed. Second, entrants are required to have been born female. As far as I know, I was born female, but without a genetic test, who can say? Not you, not me, and not the damned fools running this beauty contest.

I wonder: does the female-born-female requirement mean that the intersexed cannot enter? What about XY women? Or XX men? There are XX women and XX men. There are XXX and XXY women. There are enough combinations of X and Y to keep the genetically paranoid busy for weeks. Is Mrs. Idaho America prepared to check DNA at the door? A quick cheek swab and then on to Mrs. Congeniality? Or do we all lift our skirts and hope for the best?

These, according to the brochure, are the putative areas of competition:

Judges Interview: 50%

A panel comprised of God-knows-who will "critique each delegate's ability to communicate, her personality, self-expression, her achievements and her beauty." Wow. Doesn't that sound fun? I wonder if the judges understand the physical language of Tae Kwon Do? Or a Taser? What could be more beautiful, more communicative, more expressively redolent of personality and feminine (feminist) achievement than a good ass-kicking from Aeon Flux? I don't mean to spoil the movie for anyone, but in the end, we learn that Aeon is married. We also learn that she's cloned. Perhaps that's a disqualification.

Evening Gown Competition: 25%

This is true freedom: you get to pick your own dress. In the evenings, I like to wear a pair of bright orange sweatpants and a T-shirt that says The Only Bush I Trust Is My Own. Gentlemen, I'm ready for my close-up!

Physical Fitness and Health: 25%

How do the judges determine this? A treadmill test? A quick jerk and snap? As this is Mrs. Idaho America, how about hefting a baby in one arm and a sack of potatoes in the other? No? Oh. It's a swimsuit competition. Bummer.

Finally, there's a "State Costume Competition," the outcome of which does not effect who wins or loses the pageant. In which case, why bother? I can only guess at what a state costume might be -- a costume that represents Idaho? Do you want to be Lewis or Clark? Or perhaps a tap-dancing baked spud? Our new state quarter features a Peregrine Falcon. Anyone got a bird suit? If not, we might borrow that outfit worn by the mascot of the University of South Carolina's Fighting Gamecocks. USC's unofficial motto, printed on God-fearing Baptist bumperstickers across the state? Nobody can lick our 'Cocks! Judges, this, to me, is exemplary of that winning Mrs. Idaho America spirit. It's communicative, it's expressive, and it sure as hell has got personality.

Too bad I can't enter. Too bad some of the most beautiful women I've ever known -- drag queens, transsexuals, and women with a measurable IQ -- can't enter, either. Somehow, I think we just might represent the State of Idaho with more grace and aplomb than Mandi Feely and the Mrs. Idaho America organizers could ever hope to muster. And, what's more, we could do it without the $500 Sponsor Fee and mandatory $200 Ad Page. Imagine that.

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By Joan Opyr, 9-28-06 | comments (30) | email story | print story

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Comments

By Jo Fothergill, 9-28-06

for the record i can't stand beauty pagents - the only one i ever enjoyed was the one in the sandy bullock movie (name escapes me) - however - i would stand up for the right of anyone to be able to enter the beauty pagent

so - Joan - i'd be happy to be one of your sponsers <VBG>

By Colonel Bain, 9-28-06

Thumps up Joan..very unique pagent and laugh..:)

By keely emerine mix, 9-28-06

Hysterical! If they had a humor and irreverance category, you'd win, mannish-like hands down. I have a visceral dislike of pageants, but I'd buy the swimsuit if you decide to go for it.

By Nicole, 9-29-06

Wait, no, it's a SCHOLARSHIP pageant remember. This is for your future education at Harvard or Stanford or, I don't know, Barbazon. Let me help you with your interview question. Just remember the old standby: My dream is to be a veterinarian because I've always loved children.

By Lynne, 9-29-06

In this day and age, why are these pageants still being held? Talk about a cattle call. And does the Mr. Idaho pageant have the same restrictions? There IS a Mr. Idaho, isn't there? OH, YES, and please, let's not forget it's a scholarship opportunity. I say go for it if you want to, Joan. I'll buy you the hiking boots to go with your bathing suit. And don't forget, you're in the pageant because you want world peace.

By TM Stoker, 9-29-06

Hilarious, but scary column, Joan! If there were supplements or injections that could substantially increase beauty, mold a killer body, and boost "fitness" levels (I use that term loosely), beauty pageants all over America would have doping scandals the likes of which the Olympics has never even dreamed about. But there's no cure for an 80 IQ. So, Joan, while you would make an extraordinary Mrs. Idaho, please don't go there. You know how I feel about genuflecting before the Beauty Beast.

By TJ, 9-29-06

Interesting pageant opinions. Unfortunately, after reading the previous posts, considering spelling alone, the supportive pageant haters cannot possibly have IQs of over 80 either. If someone can't spell, can't they at least hit the spell check button? Also, the article references the Mrs. Idaho America system which is not a scholarship based program. Too bad, you could've "gone for the crown" then used that money to buy your readers dictionaries.

By Rex Feral, 9-29-06

People have a tendancy to mock things they don't understand. To me, this is just as bad as one of us writing and article on how dumb it is to be gay, and mocking your lifestyle choice. Just b/c you don't understand something or don't participate in it does not give you the right to judge it. Isn't that what you are always telling us?

By North Idaho Lady, 9-29-06

Too funny, Joan! And, I want to sincerely thank you because forever more, when I read or hear about these silly pagents, I'll be thinking about how the judges will determine how Miss, Ms, Mrs., or Mr. are really who the claim to be :-)

By Craig Moore, 9-30-06

The first one that gets three X's or O's in a row wins!

By Autumn Sandeen, 9-30-06

Quote: "... And does the Mr. Idaho pageant have the same restrictions? There IS a Mr. Idaho, isn't there? ..." -- Mr. Idaho? Would Mr. Idaho also be know as Mr. Potato Head?

By Jill Kuraitis, 9-30-06

T.J.,
Mercy, I hardly know where to begin. People who participate in beauty pageants have chosen to do so. It's a silly decision, but they decided.

People who are gay are just gay. They came that way. A person doesn't decide to be gay. (If you're going to argue with that, I can't help you.)

There is a difference between humorously mocking people for making the vapid choice to participate in beauty pageants, and mocking people for being born white, gay, black, left-handed, or any number of traits which occur naturally in the human race.

By Craig Moore, 9-30-06

Jill, was Anne Heche born gay or straight or did she make choices? Isn't it more likely that some people just know while others go through a process of discovery that is guided by events, attachments, and decisions?

By Tricia Thomas, 10-01-06

Having been subjected to pageants throughout most of my childhood and my best friend being a pageant girl who is entirely cool and normal and not a bleach blonde I might add. (we taught karate together for years) . don't work yourself up too much about not fitting the quo, you aren't missing anything, its stupid. And for the scholarship programs, those girls or rather their sponsors actually end up spending more than they are awarded. Rock climbing, playing in the dirt and beating up boys is much more entertaining.

By j ford, 10-03-06

Donnae you have to be pretty to be in a beauty pagent?

By jennifer gelband, 10-04-06

Joan, good article!
Years ago I tried to enter the Miss Boise pageant, for which the grand prize was an undergrad scholarship to BSU. After they let me enter, they kicked me out! Because they 1. Didn't want a journalist documenting the pageant and 2. I had publicly said I wanted second place -- a cash prize, since I already had an undergrad degree.
So NOW I resent pageants. Bahahahahaaha

By Former Mrs Oregon, 10-04-06

As with karate, and dance (both of which I do), pageants are an outlet. You get to take a few days, dress us, be pretty, and enjoy being around other women. It is what you make of it, just like everything. Some people dont like Middle Eastern dance, some people say karate is best left to the culture it came from. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, certainly. However, I debate the wisdom of criticizing something you do not understand.

By Sam Green, 10-27-06

GADS! The leader for the "I'm an angry butch-hair cut blame my diaviant behavior on the world lesbo" lives here in Idaho. I did not know that. I wonder if her credentials as a hate-monger were earned, learner, or just passed down genetically the same as her desire to eat bush?

just a thought...

By Sam Green, 10-27-06

One more thing...If Joan ever opens her mind to others the way SHE DEMANDS others accept her life-style, the world will have changed for the better. Until then...Joan, please continue to exposed the lesbo-nazi agenda for what it truly is...nuts!

By Anonymous, 10-27-06

Although I agree with most of the contents of this article, I do not agree with the author's chastising and personal attack on Ms. Feely. Joan - you have no idea what her views are on gay/lesbian issues and it is apparent you didn't bother to ask. Although she is following the rules of and participating in a pageant that you so obviously disdain, you have absolutely no idea what kind of "grace" and "aplomb" with which Ms. Feely carries herself. It is not her fault we live in a country full of hypocrites and homophobes. And the angry resentment with which you lashed out on Ms. Feely is distasteful and ignorant. It is such actions that leave those of us who side with your other views embarrassed and ashamed to be stand next to you in defense of gay/lesbian rights. I agree that beauty pageants reflect a shameful shallow side of our society, however, it's my opinion that if you would have left Ms. Feely out of your attack and your article would have been more appealing.

By ben smith, 12-06-07

i want to enter the mr. idaho pagent and want to know how i do it?

By Sonya, 1-14-09

As an ugly ducking that grew up hunting with my dad and not caring if tapered jeans were out (which they were), I can say that I hated the idea of "being perfect for a pageant" just as much as anyone. I could never do my hair like the girls at school and I was never the best athlete or even the smartest girl. I was always average. My only perception of beauty pageants was everything that "Barbie" represented; blond hair, impossible thighs, and no brain. I also liked the movie with Sandra Bullock, Miss Congeniality, because it seemed to break the mold of what beauty in America today means.

Last year, I too met Mandi Feely. I decided I was going to compete in this Mrs. Idaho pageant for several reasons; 1) I saw some pictures of previous contestants and realized that beauty is not defined by hair color or body size in this pageant system, 2) There seemed to be a large emphasis on community involvement in this pageant and I am always down for helping the community, 3) There was a costume contest! I love dressing up and Halloween only comes once a year, 4) I am a teacher and believe that one person can make a difference. I don't think I can change the world by entering a beauty pageant, but using the attention a simple little sash gives has helped make my voice louder when trying to recruit mentors for my elementary school, get volunteers when raking up the city or walking in the Race for a Cure event, or even with donating money to local causes. Lastly, I signed up for this pageant to learn about myself and represent the average, ordinary, not perfect married woman of the 21st century.

After the pageant, I had learned SO MUCH about myself and the power that one person holds. If you allow yourself to ignore stereo-types and strive to be the best version of "you", no matter what you look like on the outside, no matter how much money you make or how well you command a room's attention, you have succeeded.

I can't promise that every beauty queen is genuine and in it for the right reason. I can tell you that all pageant girls aren't snooty, Barbie-carbon copies that hate on others with different lifestyles. Every person is unique and beautiful in their own way and the Mrs. Idaho pageant has provided a forum for myself and many other married women to explore who they are and what they represent in this community.

I know a group of judges or even an application form can't tell you if you're a winner or not. Being able to let your guard down, try something new, and test your abilities can, however, show you your strengths and weaknesses.

Best wishes,
Sonya

By Unknown, 5-12-09

I loved doing the Mrs. Idaho pageant. So many great things came out of doing it!! Anyone who has been in this pageant and done it knows how I feel! I loved every minuite of every day getting prepared.

Best wishes

By LOVE PAGEANTS!!, 5-14-09

You should try it! Fun pageant and many friends.
http://www.mrsidahoamerica.com/09contestants.htm

Go for it next year!! You will see why woman do them!!

By Pageants are fun, 7-24-09

Give it a try. There is Mrs. Idaho Int in March. You should really give it a try and not pre-judge. I have done 4 now and made the top 5 in 3 and the top 10 in the other 2. I lived in other states but Idaho pageants are wonderful!
http://www.mrsidaho.com/competing2.php

By pageant scorned, 8-16-09

I competed in this pageant last year and was told not to because it was rigged. The director and her "TEAM" pretty much pick who will win. The judges are told who the director wants and that is who wins!!! I didn't believe it, but soon realized it was true during pageant weekend by who was getting showcased and getting the most help from the directors. I spoke with some of the other contestants as they found out the hard truth as well. Mandi Feely should be ashamed of herself. WHAT A CROCK! She gives pageants a bad name. Maybe I will try the other one that Idaho has in the hopes it will be run fairly.

By KC, 10-14-09

Joan is competing this year! I think that is the best of this whole mess of a article. The woman who worte is is compeitng.http://www.mrsidaho.com/competing2.php

By NorthIdahoLady, 10-14-09

To KC: no, the best thing about the whole article is that it CONTINUES to show the desperation of people like yourself who think nothing of becoming liars. Doesn't speak well of your beloved competition, eh?

Thanks, though, for the opportunity to point out that Mrs. Idaho pageant still discriminates. It's shameful, but this sadly is Idaho.

By RRT, 10-14-09

I did the Mrs. Idaho Pageant twice and had the time of my life. I also have done the Mrs. TN pageant. Pageants are not bad they give you a boost. Don't be so down on pageants. What is good for some does not work for others. I loved Mandi and the whole pageant experience. I know some may say bad things about pageants but let me tell you this. Life was hard and My family in TN were having many Troubles. I moved he depressed but at least I was working. The pageant lifted my spirits. My kids were happy to see mom was back. I started serving the community and little by little my depression was gone. So for me it was a good thing.

You have your feelings and that is OK. Have you ever gotten to know Mandi? She really is a wonderful person with a wonderful soul always helping others. Great Mother,daughter, wife and friend. Just don't judge so harsh. It's not fair of you to bash what we like to do. I would not bash what you enjoy in life.

Have a wonderful weekend.

By TM- K, 11-09-09

You need to talk to Mandi. Being Gay is not a bad thing and I feel you would be able to compete if you put in your app.
Give it a try. Don't talk bad about somthing you have never done. I loved being in the Mrs. Idaho Pageant.

Everyone involved with helping out are wonderful woman.

Really Joan it would not hurt for you to put your heart into something as good as the Mrs. Idaho Pageant.
I am sure you would make a wonderful Mrs. Idaho

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Damn HJR2 and Damn My Scruples!