Bob Wire Classic™

I’m ROFL and I Can’t Get Up

By Bob Wire, 8-23-10

	f u cn rd ths u cn gt a gd jb.

As a graphic designer, I make my living using a computer (and a coffee pot). I try to keep up with the technology and styles of communication, try to stay abreast of the cyber-zeitgeist on the internet.

But nothing makes me feel more like a dinosaur with one foot in the tar pits than some of the text-message inspired acronyms flying around out there in the ether. (For you young folks, ether was the first date-rape drug.)

The first time I saw someone use LOL in an email, I pictured his head dropping down, tongue hanging out, nodding off like a junkie. When I replied and told him to stay off the horse, he explained that it meant “laugh out loud.” Of course, everyone online knows that. In fact, it’s probably THE most overused texting abbreviation out there. Some people use it like punctuation, tagging it on the end of every sentence. Others play a little drum roll on the L and O keys, writing lolololololol, which makes absolutely no sense.

I choose to go old skool when something makes me laugh out loud. I type: HA!

My cell phone is capable of text messaging, but I have no use for that shit. If I need to send someone a message, well, lookie here, I’ve got a phone right in my hand! Why don’t I call them! And talk! You know, with my mouth!

(The phone has a camera too. I suppose if I ever see Bigfoot or a flying saucer or the rarest of all things, a motorcycle cop with no mustache, I suppose I could snap a grainy photo with my phone and sell it to the Enquirer for enough money to buy a nice digital Nikon.)

So who’s to blame for this butchery, this mangling of our already-difficult English language? Did it start with William Burroughs, who literally shuffled the grammatical deck with his Cut-Ups experiments of the beatnik era? Is it Prince, who titles his songs as if they have to fit on a license plate (I WD DI 4U)? Could it be Ozzie Osbourne, who turned mumbled epithets into a second career? (Some people, like Ozzy and Aerosmith, should NOT have quit drugs.) I don’t really know. But I’m happy to make something up if need be.

Some of the other phrases I see in emails and online forums just leave me scratching my head. ROFL had me flummoxed for awhile, till I learned it was Rolling On the Floor Laughing. Then there’s ROFLMAO —Rolling On the Floor Laughing My Ass Off. I’m wondering if there’s anything funny enough to cause ROFLMAOPDBL—Rolling On the Floor Laughing My Ass Off Pissing Down Both Legs.

A few times I’ve been tempted to answer a message with AYSGBTYCTTTEW (Are You So Goddamn Busy That You Can’t Take the Time to Type an Entire Word?).

Another one that annoys the shit out of me is IMHO (In My Humble Opinion). It annoys me because my opinion is NEVER humble. Truth be told, my opinion is generally the Standard Facts, mister. Humble opinion. Feh. When I give my opinion, I’m telling you the Way Things Are. I’m just the messenger, disguised as a yodeling miscreant in a crumpled bull rider’s hat.

So here are a few textoids, or whatever the hell you call ‘em, that you can start using today! Just remember, you heard it here first. Now git!

SICT (Sitting In a Chair, Typing)

LOOW (Looking Out my Office Window)

COHBOTS (Check Out the Huge Balls On That Squirrel)

TCRSBHSL (This Chat Room Sure Beats Having a Social Life)

IHYMIYDHSB (I’ll Help You Move If You Don’t Have a Sofa Bed)

DSMF (Dude, Smell My Finger!)

IHHFCHGP (I Hope He’s a Farmer ‘Cause His Girlfriend’s a Pig)

IJS (I Just Sharted)

BFD (Who Cares?)

TSMF (That’s Unfortunate, My Friend)

AYGEYF (Are You Gonna Eat Your Fat?)

SSHS (Social Skills of a Home Schooler)

OMG (when my screenplay sells i’ll be able to move Out of my Mother’s Garage)

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texting (3), cultural humor (2), text messaging (2), internet humor (2), rofl (1), text acronyms (1), internet satire (1), lol (1), text messaging language (1), texting shorthand (1),

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By Bob Wire, 8-23-10 | comments (6) | email story | print story