In the West, We Know Our Statistics

By Clarence Worly, Unfiltered 8-29-10

According to Todd Snyder, Oregon’s singer-songwriter extraordinaire, “64 percent of all the world's statistics are made up right there on the spot, 82.4 percent of people believe 'em whether they're accurate statistics or not.”
I wish I could say I’ve been listening to Todd’s quick wit, spot on social commentary, and understated guitar rhythms for years. “Oh yeah, I saw him in ‘78 at a Tillamook Elementary Talent show and his version of Stairway to Heaven moved me to tears.” But I never heard of the guy until I married Alabama three years back and she sang “Beer Run” while driving me to the Maverick on a beer run one dark winter’s night during the brief time we lived out in Rigby, ID.

“B double E double R-U-N, beer run,” she belted out.
I thought she made it up on the spot. I was smitten with her song writing ability, only to be informed that anybody who knows anything about good music knows “Beer Run is a Todd Snyder tune” and “how could I have never heard of TS?” Apparently, I had been living under a South East Idaho lava rock.

Anyway, I was listening to “Statistician Blues” on the way home from work last and I realized this bouncy tune couldn’t be more accurate, “64 percent of all the world's statistics are made up right there on the spot, 82.4 percent of people believe 'em whether they're accurate statistics or not.”

The numerical values are irrelevant. The point is, if you deliver an argument backed up by numbers and percentages, and present it with authority, more often than not, folks are going to believe you.

For example:

77% of all traffic accidents that occur in the two Idaho Falls Wal-Mart parking lots are caused by vehicles displaying Wyoming plates, 13% are caused by drivers under the age of 20 or over the age of 70, and the remainder are hit and runs.

39% of June marriages between 1947 and 1960 ended in divorce due to extramarital affairs brought on by poor cooking and sloppy cleaning habits of the wife. Of that 39%, over 16% of the husbands suffered some form of genital mutilation.

Hikers in Yellowstone National Park were shown to be highly palatable by 28% of the grizzlies participating in a blind taste test.

Home schooled boys account for 94% of the unwanted pregnancies among female college freshman in Idaho, Utah, Montana, and Oregon.

In a recent survey, 76% of the readers who comment on internet blogs were determined to be single males who have never had sexual relations with a woman.

While it is a well know fact that Angelina Jolie’s breasts are now 100% silicone, her lips are only 48% collagen, not that there is anything wrong with either of those statistics.

Fox News recently revealed through their fair and balanced broadcasting methods that 100% of all PBS contributors are members of the communist party and are responsible for the BP oil spill.

Fox also reported 89% of all Republicans are eligible for entrance into heaven. The other 11% don’t hate Obama enough to warrant a guaranteed spot, but may earn Pearly Gate eligibility credits through monetary support of the Tea Party.

I encourage everyone to pull a few statistics out of their asses tomorrow. I mean, just plain flat out make some crazy shit up, and back it up with completely fabricated facts.

Get that promotion, seal that real estate deal, convince someone burning coal is good for the environment, or get that guy/girl you’ve been pining over.

Hey, it works for politicians, business owners, religious leaders, movie stars, and news agencies … why not you?

[Full versions always available at Clarenceworly.com]

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