Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

It’s a License Plate—It’s Supposed To Be Boring

By Bob Wire, 11-10-09

	Jeez, I don't know whether to bolt it to my bumper, or have it appraised by Sotheby's.

I love art. You love art. John loves art. We all love art. But a vehicle’s license plate is no place for art. That’s what I’ve been bitching about for years in Montana, as the debate periodically bubbles up about the ever-fancier license plate design. “I want more clouds.” “I want more buffalo.” “Too much blue.” “I don’t like the slogan.” “It needs to be 3-D and have a vampire.”

Wise up, critics. Look, if you need to drive around with a Dolack displayed on your vehicle, put one on the rear window. Or paint some ducks in a tub on your hood. Or, better yet, express yourself with a clever vanity plate. How’s this one: UB6IB9. Or this: 4NIK8R. Don’t like those? Well, UPURZ2. That takes a whole lot more imagination than plopping down an extra fifty bones for a license plate that looks like something out of an Eddie Bauer catalog.

The decision to go retro next year with a whole new plain-Jane license plate design is a rare demonstration of common sense from our state government. The function of a license plate is to provide a way to identify a vehicle. Period. Law enforcement and various other agencies, no to mention hot pillow joints, need to be able to quickly read the tag on your vehicle when necessary. Identification is hampered when the design is overdone, and competes with the actual number on the plate.

It’s a man-sized step in the right direction, but I think the state is not going far enough. If you look at a picture of the new design, there’s still a lot of real estate on the left side that’s taken up by Montana’s raggedy western border. The spot is also used for military insignias. (Vets, we’re all proud and grateful for your service. But you want to advertise your military experience? Buy a flag.) The numbers and letters still need to be tall and skinny in order to fit in the narrow space that’s left. When you get sideswiped on 6th Avenue in Helena while talking to a Croatian prostitute on the sidewalk in front of the Capitol, you need to quickly ascertain the plate ID on the offending vehicle, so you can get back to seeing how much she will charge you to perform a Cleveland Steamer. When the letters are all tall, narrow, sans serif characters, they are not that distinctive. Poor design decision, poor use of typography.

In the world of typography, it’s well known that serif fonts (the ones with little “feet” at the end of each stroke) register quicker with the reader than sans serif fonts (the ones with “cloven hooves” or a “stump” at the end of each stroke) do. Most body copy on the printed page is a serif, or Roman, typeface. Sans serif, or Egyptienne, is typically reserved for headlines, but it’s also popular for body copy in Europe. Have you ever been to Europe? That place is lousy with foreigners. We’re talking about a part of the world where they still drive on the wrong side of the road, on account of the metric system.

So, using these rules of typography and human comprehension (or, “reading"), the new state plates are on the right track, but fall short of the goal of quick readability because the lettering will be squished even more than today’s plates. The new design will be quickly readable only by a person who has just been run over, and is looking directly up at the plate. It looks like a damn bar code.

Another thing—if you’re going to make the plates boringly functional (which you should), follow through and do it right. Go back to stamping these things out rather than silkscreening or printing them. I mean, I can picture a convict at Deer Lodge toiling in a steamy machine shop, building a thick layer of prison muscles from reefing on a huge lever, stamping out plate after plate. Right now, he’s just pushing the “print” key on a computer. I don’t call that paying your debt to society.

Even if the new plates are ho-hum (which they need to be), you can still shout out to the world about your various quirks and pecadilloes by way of your license plate frame. You can surround your new boring license plate with a nice chrome frame that proudly proclaims, “Yes, It’s A Corvette, But My Penis Is Regular Size.” Or “I’d Rather Be Poaching.” Whatever.

Montana’s license plates don’t need “style,” they don’t need “local color,” and they don’t need “flair.” They just need to be easily read by The Man. Now, if we could just do something about all those bumper stickers…

[Bookmark NewWest.net/BobWire right this instance, mister. Or miss.]

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By Bob Wire, 11-10-09 | comments (5) | email story | print story