Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)
It’s High Time For Some New State Slogans
By Bob Wire, 4-12-09
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| This was a finalist for Florida. | |
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Out on the interstate, you see a variety of vehicles from nearly every state. That is one aptly named road, brother. While it’s not really fair to generalize about a state’s entire population (Alaskans are all hockey moms who sound like they’re from Wisconsin; everyone in Nebraska is boring, etc.), each state in the Union does project a certain identity.
They all try to control everyone’s perception of this identity by coming up with some bland state slogan like “Virginia Is For Lovers” or “Maryland, More Than You Can Imagine.” Well, you can have your incarcerated meth cookers stamp that Hallmark crap on a million license plates, but we all know all about your state. That goes for all fifty of you. Nobody gets off easy. I’m looking at you, Hawaii.
So why not have a little fun with it? I mean, if Mississippi is full of crackers and is proud of it, why not just call it the Saltine State? Hell, if a state can’t have a little chuckle at itself, it doesn’t deserve to be more than a District. I’m looking at you, Nation’s Capital.
Here are a few suggestions that could be sewn into the state flag or printed on bumper stickers that could be slapped on the rear end of every $600,000 RV that stops at a Cracker Barrel so its inhabitants can fill up on corn chowder and fried okra.
Hawaii: We’re not really off the coast of Texas, like it shows on the map.
Washington: We’re touching Canada’s bottom!
California: Can you be more Pacific?
Iowa: Hardcore Cornography.
Nevada: Beautiful beaches! Just no ocean.
Oklahoma: Panhandle? More like a manhandle!
Delaware: What did Delaware? I don’t know—Alaska. Ha ha.
Wyoming: Where the men are men, and even the women are men.
Alaska: You can see Canada from here.
New Jersey: Smells better than Old Jersey.
South Dakota: See Mount Rushmore. But take your time. Get it?
Oregon: Gateway to Idaho.
New York: What are you lookin’ at?
Arizona: Yeah but it’s a dry heat.
Kansas: Give us a wave as you’re flying over!
Utah: Brigham Young, and bring ‘em soon.
Rhode Island: The taint of New England.
Michigan: Toronto lost us in a poker game.
Florida: Yes, it looks like a penis. We know.
Texas: Houston, we have a problem. It’s Dallas.
Minnesota: Neighbor to both the Dakotas. Whoop de doo.
New Mexico: Still under warranty.
Colorado: Panhandle? We don’t need no stinking panhandle!
Louisiana: Visit beautiful New Orleans! Say hi to Aquaman for me.
Alabama: Eight year olds, dude.
Of course I can’t let my own state off the hook. The Last Best Place, the Treasure State, Big Sky Country, these best-foot-forward mottos all reflect the appeal of Montana’s natural abundance and wide open spaces. But to anyone who’s spent enough of their lives here to know the true character of this great state, there are some more fitting slogans out there.
Montana: Where fly fishermen are snobbier than Posh Spice at a Wal-Mart.
Montana: We’re workaholics! Only with alcohol.
Montana: A vast republic of right wing, conservative Christian gun nuts. And Missoula.
Montana: We’re like Paris in the 1920’s. I mean, technology-wise.
Montana: Thanks for visiting! Now get the hell out.
[What?!? You haven’t bookmarked NewWest.net/BobWire yet? What are you waiting for? An invitation peed into the snow in your front yard?]
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Comments
"Live free or die but don't offend anybody"
"Nevada...the perfect dump site"
"I $$$$$ NY"
"Michigan/Toyota/Honda...welcomes you"
"Michigan...if you've seen Detroit, call 911"
"Illinois...where crime pays"
"New Mexico...the land around Sante Fe"
"Minnesota...where your votes count...and count...and"
Idaho? - No...you da ho!
Idaho - At least our fishing doesn't suck
Idaho - Just another Indian word for Utah
Idaho - Where barefoot and pregnant are still enduring qualities
California: New, New Mexico
Idaho: Do as we say, not as we do
Montana: Trust puppy hideaway
Wyoming: ...And the horse you rode in on
Utah: Where missions begin
Arizona: Melanoma on a stick
Nevada: Where Brigham met Moses
New Mexico: Where new is old
Colorado: For those who don't have fuel to go further
Texas: Ya gotta be kidding
Louisiana: The home of the political garage sale
Mississippi: Run fast or die
Alabama: Huh, Duh and Damn
Tennessee: Where Japan builds cars
Georgia: Show me the peach
Missouri: Missing Rush
Kansas: Why
Arkansas: Incest is best
Iowa: We give common sense a bad name
Illinois: For Sale..call Governor
Idaho: Famous potatoes! And...um, did we mention potatoes?
...
So…the next time you’re enjoying a watered-down mass produced lager, think of South East Idaho and be grateful for all the hardworking Mormon farmers who were willing to put their religious convictions aside to turn a buck.
Montana. Mountain-ish
Montana. Home to the Meth Campaign.
Montana. We Get Asked the Dumbest Questions.
Utah: Who put that border fence up going into Idaho?
Montana: Clean coal will kill fewer downwind Canucks.
Clarence is right. I used to use the Morman VOR (temple) to get set up for the airport coming from the east or south. Now I use the Bush towers of Babble.
Wyoming: next to the last best place ( or perhaps Baja Montana)
Wyoming is what Albania was.
Wyoming...something for the Dakotas to look down on
Wyoming is California's imaginary little friend.
Wyoming has gas
Wyoming is in Pennsylvania, actually
Wyoming is a backwards state, so let's call it Gnimoyw
Wyoming: Appalachia with Sagebrush
Wyoming, the Equality State. Just ask Mathew Shephard...
Wyoming: same shape and size as Colorado but not much else
Wyoming: my bucking horse license plate can stomp your famous potatoes
Wyoming; past tense
-and the absolute truth: WYOMING is 500,000 AGAINST THE WORLD