Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

It’s Time to Show Pit Bulls the Doggie Door


By Bob Wire, 10-13-10

  You'd be pissed too, if somebody did this to your ears.
  You'd be pissed too, if somebody did this to your ears.

How many kids have to die? How many family pets have to be savagely attacked? How many people have to have their limbs chewed off or their faces gnawed to mush before we say enough already with the pit bulls?

Last week, right here in western Montana, a bloodthirsty pit bull burst out of the darkness in a campground to attack several mushroom pickers and their German shepherd, who were provoking the pit bull by aggressively sitting around a campfire, relaxing and drinking beer. By the time Mineral County sheriffs arrived on the scene, the wandering pit bull had injured the campers’ dog and chewed on a guy’s face. It took several choke holds by Larry Evans, a mycologist with a black belt in judo, to subdue the beast. Law enforcement officials returned the dog to its owner, and administered a severe wag of the finger. Meanwhile, the attack victim was taken to a Missoula hospital where his face was stitched back together like a needlepoint throw pillow.

Why isn’t it clear enough that these animals should be banned? After a recent pit bull attack in Austin, police are telling homeowners that they can protect themselves and their pets against pit bull attacks by installing a double layer fence, which will be harder for the pits to chew through. Oh, and don’t forget to provide your pets an escape route for when the pit bulls come for them. A few days before an attack where four pit bulls chewed through a fence in order to get to the pair of scared-shitless blue healers in a backyard, a pack of the killer dogs were seen trotting through the neighborhood, one with a dead poodle hanging from its mouth. Nice doggie.

Say what now? I’m sorry, but isn’t the tail wagging the dog there? People need to wake up to the fact that the solution to the problem is not more protection from pit bulls; the solution is to get rid of the pit bulls. In fact, I know of a nice, new, secure facility where you could send them all. Hint: it’s near Hardin.

Pit bulls aren’t the only type of dog that has attacked people and pets, of course. They’re just by far the most common. The pro-pit argument casts them as loveable, disciplined dogs that are great with children and would never hurt a flea. Yeah, that’s what they said about Son of Sam. The problem with pits is that vicious characteristics have been bred into them by dogfighters for dozens of generations. With jaw muscles that can snap a human leg bone like a strand of uncooked fettuccine, and the single-minded aggression of Mike Tyson on a PCP bender, these animals are deadly weapons walking around with spiked collars and blood on their minds. They’re like those people in Jersey Shore—you just know they’ll never be productive members of society.

The popularity of pit bulls can largely be blamed on the tasteful, always-thoughtful culture of hip-hop, the people who gave us auto-tune abuse and facial gang tattoos. For a rapper, a pit bull is an accessory, a symbol of wealth and success like a Bentley or one of the girls from TLC. Why do you think so many pro athletes and other hip-hop wannabes own them? Sure, they could go down to the animal shelter and adopt any one of a nearly unlimited variety of worthy dogs, but that ain’t what Yung Joc did, yo! So what if Yung Joc’s pit bulls have repeatedly attacked his neighbor’s pets? Yung Joc said he was sorry, didn’t he? “It is my pleasure and honor to announce my affiliation and new partnership with Polo Grounds Music/RCA Music Group and Battery/Jive Records,” he said. See? He’s all tore up!

It’s an emotionally-charged issue, and one that’s not getting resolved easily. Still, a lot of people are fed up. There are currently 415 municipalities in this country that have adopted an outright ban the ownership of pit bulls, in response to the collective outrage of their pissed-off, pit-bit citizenry. “Pit bull” is an inclusive term that includes the Staffordshire Bull Terrier, the American Staffordshire Terrier, and the American Pit Bull Terrier. Of the 144 people killed in the U.S. by dogs from 2005 to 2009, more than half were killed by pit bulls. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, pits were responsible for more than a third of all deaths caused by purebred dogs between 1979-1998. But do pits make up half the dog population? Far from it. According to the latest AKC figures, they’re not even in the top ten.

Oh, I’m sure there are many gentle, mild-tempered pits out there. Loving, adorable family pit bulls that will wag their tail and smile right up to the moment they’re removing your larynx. Hey, a child molester might be a great dancer too, but I’m not going to invite one to my next house party. The problem is also one of human nature. Otherwise reasonable people pass up the opportunity to provide a rescued animal with a good home, in order to lay down several hundred dollars for a purebred pit bull because they think it makes them look badass or gives them some street cred, or they want to do some backyard breeding. These people are acting like morons. And morons do not make responsible pet owners. They don’t bother to train their dogs, or they actually train those dogs to attack. But there are consequences. California civil code states that, if any of these trained attack dogs bites a human, he can be euthanized. The dog, not the human.

I can hear it already: “But, Bob, if your dog was a pit bull, you would see things differently. You wouldn’t want someone to take your dog away.” Well, I wouldn’t consider owning a pit bull, anymore than I’d host a barbecue next to a fireworks factory. A pit bull is a potential problem, a potential threat, a potential lawsuit, a potential death. I’d like to see you defend these sharks on legs after your 7-year-old daughter was torn apart by a neighbor’s “friendly” pit bull. The odds of a pit bull doing some damage to people and other dogs are astronomically higher than those of other canines, even the second-ranked attacker, the Rottweiler. And Rotts are well-known minions of Satan! What does that say about pit bulls?

You wouldn’t use a chain saw to butter your toast, would you? Why put your neighbors, your friends, your children and other pets at risk by bringing one of these unpredictable dogs into your life? Yes, it’s your right, but that doesn’t make it right. Really, there’s no reasonable excuse. There’s only the selfish idea that somehow, owning a pit bull can promote a certain image in the eyes of your friends and contemporaries. I guess that’s true, to a point, but it’s probably not the image you’re hoping for. Take a pass on the pit, get a safer dog.

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