Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)
Know Your State Symbols!
You mean there's actually an Official State Spoor?By Bob "Pass the Syrup" Wire, 2-24-09
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| Ladies and gentlemen, the Official Hat of the State of Montana. I'll GET you, you wascally wabbit. | |
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Well, Eli Tickner, age 15, you got your wish. The huckleberry pancake will not rise to the esteemed, golden brown level of the Official Pancake of the state of Montana.
The Senate Agricultural Committee recently voted 6-3 to table House Bill 232, effectively flattening the chances for the Huckleberry Pancake to take its rightful place in the Flapjack Hall of Fame. It was a disappointing outcome that brought tears to schoolchildren throughout the state, and sent a chill through the ranks of short order cooks everywhere. Big Syrup is in an uproar, and we haven’t even heard yet from the waffle lobby.
The bill, introduced by Senator Carolyn Squires of Missoula, will likely never be spatula’d up to make its way to the International House of Pancakes, er, Representatives for a vote. Tickner and two of his pastry-vigilant siblings appeared in Helena on Feb. 10 to testify against the bill, voicing their concerns about the precedent such a “frivolous” bill might set.
“It’s not the role of government to promote preferences. What’s next? A state steak? A state wild game meat?” Tickner brings up a good point, and I might suggest that with our economy currently funneling down the toilet, the State Steak would be a cheap cut of flank with plenty of gristle. State wild game meat? I say it’s any cow that wanders outside the barbed wire.
Other opponents to the huckleberry hotcake bill correctly pointed out that we already have too many state symbols. For instance, did you know that the official Montana State Button is 5/8” black rimmed Bakelite sew-through with four holes? How about the official State Spoor? That’s right, it’s prairie dog jism. The young Tickner trio professed to loving huckleberries, but pointed out that there are already two dozen State This ‘n That’s. I think Syndrome from The Incredibles put it best: “If everybody’s special, then nobody’s special.”
As a service to both my readers, I decided to research these Official State of Montana whoozits and publish them here.
• Official Condiment: Piccallili. It’s a lot more complex and interesting than your run-of-the-mill relish. A lot like Montana compared to Wyoming.
• Official Tomato Juice: V-8 Original. A heated, partisan debate broke out over this one, as Democrats pushed hard for Clamato. They were defeated in the end, however, when Republicans with a map pointed out that we’re a landlocked state.
• Official Sexual Position: Rodeo Style. You haven’t heard this one? It’s where you mount up from behind, tell her this is how her sister likes it too, and try to stay on for eight seconds.
• Official State Toothpick: Penley Round. Maintains a firm grip on a martini olive, and is just the right taper for working out bits of flank steak from between the teeth.
• Official State Rodent: The Pocket Gopher (Thomomys talpoides). Scum. Slime. Menace to the golfing industry.
• Official State Mascara: Givenchy Phenomen’Eyes, with the Revolutionary Ball Applicator. (Gold Bond Powder needs to come up with one of those.)
• Official State Muscle: The Sphincter. This is not a commentary on Montanans’ personalities, rather, it is a symbol of strength. We are a state of people with tremendous sphincter control. With the proper acoustics, we can squeeze out a series of toilet bowl farts that sound like a Charlie Parker solo.
• Official State Keychain: Texas-shaped plastic fob, stolen from a Trans-Am in the Kum & Go parking lot in Shelby.
• Official Country-Western Song: “I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me.”
• Official Bodily Fluid: Ear Wax. Although it’s not technically a fluid, all the good ones, like prairie dog jism, were already taken.
• Official Energy Drink: Coffee. Black.
• Official Carcinogen: Asbestos. Thanks a lot, vermiculite.
• Official Breakfast Food That Is Not a Huckleberry Pancake: Elk sausage, link style, cooked over a campfire while your hunting companion is still passed out from drinking 19 cans of Schmidt last night on a dare but that’s okay because even though he’s your sister’s husband you can’t stand the son of a bitch.
• Official State Precipitation: Virga, or dry rain.
• Official Oxymoron: See previous entry.
• Official “Yo Mama” Joke: Yo mama is so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks.
• Official College Major and Minor: Agricultural Production/Art History.
• Official Hat: Elmer Fudd Hat. Also known as the Off-Duty Cowboy hat.
• Official Erectile Dysfunction Medication: Stifenol™.
• And finally, the Official Time-Suck of the State of Montana: Ushering goofy-ass bills through the state legislature.
Stumble It!
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Comments
That's pretty much what I was shootin' for.
Did you know there's a female version of Rodeo Style?
The women gets on top and just as the man reaches his moment of maximum enjoyment she sings out, "We're making a baaaabyyyy!"
Now this is the kind of subtle humor that makes me love your writing.
Hee hee!
These are the bills I'm glued to this legislative session:
State pancake
Montana state love song
State dog
Establish as a state holiday, the 3rd Sat. in June as Juneteenth National Freedom Day
Ban human cloning
Change state motto
I'm soooo glad someone is thinking of these things!
--Bob,
Fell out of my chair with laughter when I read your "Rodeo Style" sexual position. I'd give that position a try myself, but my sweetie doesn't have a sister to denigrate. Sigh.