Bob Wire Has a Point (It's Under His Cowboy Hat)

Missoula Flooded With Obama Emails, No Survivors

By Bob Wire, 6-17-08

Since Barack Obama became the presumptive Democratic nominee two weeks ago, his campaign staff and supporters around the country have been working feverishly 24/7 to stuff my inbox with emails.

“Bob, you may think the battle is over now that we’ve amassed enough delegates for the nomination. But it’s not. At this very moment, John McCain may be creeping into your backyard, dressed in a camouflage business suit, a knife clutched in his false teeth, to install a wiretap on your phone…”

A simply “thank you” for my vote in the primary would be sufficient, really. I realize that, in the democratic system of government, the #1 priority for any public servant is to raise money for his/her campaign. But these people are unrelenting. They’re worse than the goddamn food bank. You stick a check for $50 in an envelope, and instead of thanking you, they send you a bigger envelope. Every day. Forever. If I made a donation to the food bank every time they asked for one, I’d be one of their clients in no time.

Meanwhile, some Obamoid zealot in Minneapolis has hacked into my computer, replacing the subtle mail alert with Obama’s voice saying, “Guess who!”

“Bob, if the election were held today, more than 96% of registered voters in this country would be taken by complete surprise. But that’s beside the point. We want you to send us $35 and we’ll mail you this limited edition Obama-Lama-Ding-Dong t-shirt you can wear to Obama rallies, Obama marches, Obama square dances, and anti-McCain purple heart burnings. It’s 100% cotton, and the cotton was actually picked on a plantation where Obama’s great-great-great grandfather was a slave owned by John McCain’s brother…”

Since Rusty and Barb went to the Obama rock festival…I mean, rally in Missoula last spring, their names were added to the list and now I get three copies of each email. Happy happy joy joy.

“Rusty, as you approach retirement age [Rusty is 11] and your IRA continues to fund cocaine and ecstasy parties for Republicans and their Puerto Rican whores, don’t you wish there were more responsible people in charge of this country’s future? People who would never use public funds for their own private gain? People who would guard your retirement nest egg as if it were their own Puerto Rican whore? Yes, we thought so. That’s why we want you to transfer your entire 401K savings into Obama’s personal checking account…”

It’s more than just annoying; it’s creepy. This one came in yesterday, just as I was fixing lunch:

“Bob, when you made that turkey sandwich, were you thinking about how turkeys are raised and processed? Imagine that you and your family are those turkeys, living and gobbling under Republican rule. Stuffed in a foot-square cage, subsisting on a putrid paste made of bone meal and ground-up turkey beaks and elbows. Forced to wallow in your own turkey effluent, breathing the foul stench of a thousand other dying, diseased birds. What’s the matter, Bob? Not hungry any more? Well, if you’re not going to eat that sandwich, why don’t you box it up and send it to the food bank, along with a check…”

I knew it.

[Bookmark NewWest.net/BobWire right now. Do it. Or else you’re going on the list.]

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