The Dog Blog with Kathryn Socie

A Totally Necessary Make-over

By Kathryn Socie, 6-05-08

Dear Crabby Lady with the Fat Labrador,

Perhaps you remember me, we met on the hill the other night.  You were hiking with your largess black Labrador complete with testicles, me with the two spotted cattle dogs, one spayed female, one not “intact” male.  I was but one of the folks to which you gave a hefty dose of the what-for.  Though in your very special way you explained that your beloved dog was just a “sweet, sweet, lab,” I might point out that the problem was not at all with his disposition, but rather it was with the bulbous body part so many other dogs are, thankfully, lacking in this town. 

To jog your memory, I have the blue dog who, upon meeting your grossly over-weight dog, began wagging relentlessly, her tail first, then her entire hind quarters.  She then threw herself at your dog, yes, you were laughing.  I was, however, calling for my other dog, the black-and-white one, because I know that once blue dog goes Britney Spears, trouble is moments round the corner.  See, Brit has a thing for testicles, whereas black-and-white, well, you now know, would really like to see your dog go under the knife.  While I didn’t think the barking lecture he gave your dog was that out of line, I did happen to notice (and hear your sharp words very clearly) that you weren’t so happy about it.  Despite your opposition to this natural and inevitable interaction, I wanted you to know that cavorting about town with an un-neutered dog bums me out.

Have you been to your local shelter lately?  If not, I highly suggest you take a field trip and do so frequently.  When kennel upon kennel is filled with not only homeless dogs but, more often than not, black, homeless dogs, this might imply that breeding your dog is a really bad idea.  The Humane Society of the United States estimates that 3-4 million animals (this number does includes cats) are euthanized every year and since these astounding numbers are well reported it makes me wonder if your decision not to neuter your dog is an honest indication of your heartlessness or complete naivety.

Hopefully you don’t somehow think that by neutering your dog he will be less of a “man” (or maybe your husband does?).  If so, let me offer you some unsolicited advice.  Your dog is not an extension of your husband and if your husband needs an extension maybe that is the problem. Why let your “sweet, sweet” dog get caught up amidst his ‘isms?  It just isn’t fair to him, the dog or your husband.  Go get yourselves some counseling and on your way drop your dog off at the vet to be neutered.

Finally, lest we, here in the age of uber-beauty, forget about aesthetics, and maybe that is why you hesitate to neuter, might I suggest you consider neutering followed by neuticals. The idea of neuticles, testicular implants post-neuter began with, according to neuticles.com, a bloodhound named Buck. Endorsed by such tauted intellectuals as Rush Limbaugh, neuticles “allow your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aid in the trauma associated with neutering.” But don’t just settle for any testicular replacement check out Neuticles UltraPLUS with epididymis. 

The decision is ultimately up to you, however on behalf of the responsible dog owners of Missoula (across America, really), I would like to encourage, implore, mandate (wishful thinking) that you neuter your dog.  If nothing else, your walks in high traffic dog zones will be much more peaceful, considering most dogs (males anyway) will continue to loathe him--you know this already-- and even more dog owners think your decision not to neuter him is incredibly lame.

Respectfully,

Kathryn, Walker and Weeza (well, not Weez so much she likes him just the way he is)

P.S. For more info on the history of neuticals, check out the riveting book entitled ”Going, Going, Nuts,” by neutical inventor Greg Miller (admittedly, it looks less riveting and more ridiculous, but see for yourself)

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