Missoula Notebook

Fear and Swine Flu in Missoula

By Sutton Stokes, 10-24-09

	Reports that the federal government will require H1N1 sufferers to wear rubber pig noses have not been confirmed—yet.

The other day Amy called and entered us onto the waiting list for swine-flu vaccinations at the local health department, but that doesn’t mean we’ll ever get the shot. With a six-week-old at home, we are supposedly in the top-priority category, but so far the health department isn’t advertising H1N1 clinic dates for anyone other than children six months to four years old and pregnant women. I guess there’s priorities and then there’s priorities.

Even for those in the top-top-priority groups, it’s no fun actually getting the shot. A Missoulian report on Friday’s vaccine distribution at Western Montana Clinic described some parents giving up after waiting in line for hours in a dark parking garage.

“It’s like a scene out of Outbreak,” one mother said. The lead photo—which showed harried moms and dads juggling toddlers, diaper bags, and bottles while milling around some bleak institutional anteroom—looked like an image beamed directly from one of Dante’s circles of hell. Besides, given the nature of the very disease we are all trying to avoid, is it really prudent to stand around for hours in a confined space with a bunch of strangers?

I know that there’s a shortage of vaccine, but I hope the public-health authorities understand how antsy people are getting. Sure, reports of a juvenile swine-flu death right here in Missoula turned out to be false, but the point is it could have happened. After all, the piggy scourge has so far wiped out nearly 0.000129 percent of the nation’s children and counting. 

Things have gotten so bad that the White House today declared a nationwide state of emergency and advised that it would be “taking unprecedented steps to counter the emerging pandemic,” but of course this only raises new worries. With emergency powers, will the administration even need to await Congressional approval before empaneling tribunals that will decide who’s too sick to be saved?

After all, while reports of President Obama’s “civilian national security force” roving the streets at night in FEMA vans—clad in clown masks and HAZMAT suits and urging flu sufferers to surrender “so we can take care of you”—are as yet unsubstantiated, perhaps it’s only a matter of time.

If any White House officials are reading this, may I ask if they have considered an executive order requiring H1N1 sufferers to wear rubber pig noses in public, both to mark them out as the public menace that they are and to reduce transmission risk? Because as this thing proceeds, we’re going to need some means of identifying who we can trust, as I discovered at Safeway last night.

I’d been feeling under the weather for the last few days—but it’s just the sniffles, I swear—and I needed to pick up some more cold medicine. At first, I paid no attention to the people crowded at the other end of the aisle, arguing over the last pocket-sized bottles of Purell (if only I’d thought to invest last spring).

Did I only imagine that the frizzy-haired woman at the edge of the mob recoiled when she noticed me deliberating over the respective merits of Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Formula (effervescent and refreshing, like ginger ale) and Nyquil (20 proof!)? If so, why did she elbow the guy next to her, mutter “it’s one of them,” and then pull her Griz sweatshirt up over her mouth and nose? I can’t be sure, but I think the only reason I got out of there was by pretending I was about to sneeze.

If we’re not going to get the vaccine anytime soon, I suppose we are stuck just trying to practice prevention, though that hardly seems like the American way. There’s an email forward making the rounds, from one Rebecca Post, the administrative secretary at the Center for Community Outreach in some place called Marshfield, Wisconsin. According to Ms. Post, to avoid H1N1, we should practice frequent hand-washing, resist touching our faces, and gargle/rinse the nasal passages twice a day with warm salt water. Additional measures include taking vitamin C and drinking warm liquids as much as possible.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to resist thoughtfully stroking my beard, but I suppose I can sip another cup of coffee while I wait to hear back from the White House about my pig-nose idea.

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